Written at 30,000 Feet

I've never been treated like s**t in my whole life, not because no one really treated me one, but because I never give a damn about what people say about me. I never worry about what people think of me. I was pretty confident to face the crowds and look into their eyes with no shame whenever they humiliated me. I am strong enough to pull myself together whenever I need to. It's just that sometimes I get tired too. "Just because you're paying her training fees does it mean you will allow her to join that goddamn program, Adam!" "You don't get to decide for your daughter, Emi! Malaki na ang anak mo, just let her be." Daddy answered, agitatedly. My mother's mood seemed to depend entirely on how I responded to her wants. I don't even know if I've ever truly met her expectations with her endless demands. Ayoko masamain pero sa kalagayan ko parang ako 'yung nahihirapan magdesisyon para sa sarili ko. This all started after I graduated from college. She didn't want me to be a flight attendant dahil delikado raw ang magtrabaho sa himpapawid at naiintindihan ko 'yon. Walang ina ang gugustuhin na malagay ang anak nila sa panganib lalo na't kung sa trabaho pa iyon. Pero hawak na niya 'ko buong buhay ko. I let her dictate my life, and maybe that was my mistake, thinking she could fix me if I followed her wishes. I earned a degree in business administration because of her, and it really felt like a huge responsibility to put a lot of effort into something I wasn't interested in. But then again, I had to accept it and move on. I slowly closed my door and continued packing my clothes. She can't stop me, not now. Hindi ko na alam mararamdaman ko dahil maayos naman kami nung bata ako. Wala akong naging issue sa pamilya ko because they could satisfy my needs. They were both good at parenting. Masaya kami noon, hindi ko lang in-expect na aabot na gugustuhin ko nang bumukod sa kanila. I've spent years draining myself just to make them feel like I am their trophy that they would show off to people. Noong bata ako wala akong pressure na nararamdaman dahil hindi nila ako kinokontrol. Now that I'm older, I feel like I'm in a cage. Is it because I'm starting to make my own decisions? That I am maturing? "Aalis ka?" I tightened my grip on the handle of my suitcase when I saw my mom in the dining room. Daddy must have left, nasusungitan na niya 'ko, e. Hindi ako tumingin sa kaniya at pabalang siyang sinagot. "I'm leaving for good." "For good? You think you can live all alone? Do you even know how to do laundry? Baka isama mo pa si manang sa 'yo." I just smiled and shook my head. Her way of speaking showed she was annoyed, and I couldn't stand the thought that I was the only one who's irritated, so I answered back. "No need, you might need a 24/7 on-duty assistant for your medications at baka high blood-in ka. Matanda ka pa naman na." walang emosyon kong sinabi iyon bago tuluyang umalis. Hinihintay kong pigilan niya ko pero mabuti na lang at wala na 'kong narinig ulit mula sakaniya. I felt guilty. Hiniling ko na sana 'di ko siya napagsalitaan nang gano'n dahil kahit naman baliktarin natin ang mundo, nanay ko pa rin siya. Pero sa totoo lang hindi ko na kasi maramdaman ang pagka-nanay niya. Parang nabubuhay na lang kami para bigyan nang sakit ng ulo ang isa't isa. It was around 3 PM when I arrived at my condo. Matagal ko nang plinano na lumipat kaya lang nahihirapan lang ako na iwan rin si daddy mag-isa kay Mommy. Kapag nagkakasagutan kasi kami ni Mommy, lagi si Daddy ang nasisisi dahil lagi na lang raw ako napagbibigyan sa mga gusto ko. Pero ang totoo, pagkatapos nang sagutan namin ni Mommy, e lalapitan ako ni Daddy at uulitin lang ang lahat ng sinabi ni Mommy. Ang pinagkaiba lang nila, si Daddy mahinahon at hindi nang-aaway habang si Mommy naman puro galit lang ang pinapairal. Parehas nilang pinapamukha sa 'kin na lahat nang ginagawa nila e sa ikabubuti ko naman daw. Well, I doubt that because if that were truly their intention, they would have at least checked on me or asked if I was enjoying what I was doing. Pero wala. Mommy just knew how to push my buttons kaya nandito na 'ko ngayon. I let out a deep sigh when I realized that the fridge was empty. I hadn't brought any food with me so I decided to go for groceries. Magbo-book pa sana ako ng Grab but I decided to walk for a bit to clear my mind, 'di naman rin ganoon kalayo ang pamilihan sa 'min. I bought a few things, half of which were skincare products. I didn't buy meat or processed foods because I prefer takeouts. Alam kong ang unhealthy pero do'n ako nasanay kahit pa man noong nasa bahay palang ako. Panay lang rin ang pagpapa-deliver ko kapag wala sila Daddy. Two months of preparation was kind of short for me to process that I'll finally get to pursue my dream job. On my first five days of training, we did a dry run for inflight food service, which I already knew because I watched several videos on YouTube. Hindi man detailed ang napanood ko pero somehow it really helped me to know the basics. Noong una kabado pa ako sa emergency procedure dahil feel ko may mali akong magagawa pero natapos naman ang araw nang hindi ako nasisita. Sa mga sumunod na araw ay blended learning ang training namin, kumbaga may araw na online kami at may araw na on-site. Sa loob nang mga araw na iyon ay patungkol lamang sa familiarization ng mga equipments at sa airline industry ang itinuro sa amin. I was pretty exhausted when I got home from training to the point I didn't even bother to change my clothes into a comfortable one. Nahiga ako sa sofa at kinuha ang phone ko sa bag at binasa ang mga notifications mula sa IG. I've been feeling pretty guilty because I can tell that my friends are worried about me. Nililimitahan ko kasi ang sarili ko sa paggamit ng phone para hindi ako ma-distract sa mga inaaral ko. Ramdam ko ang tampo nila dahil minsan na rin silang nagparinig sa akin sa GC at naiintindihan ko naman kung saan nanggagaling iyon, pero kasi alam ko sa sarili ko once na mag-reply ako sa kanila hindi na naman ako makaka-focus sa ginagawa ko. Patapusin lang nila ako dito at ibibigay ko sa kanila ang oras ko. yngrid_24: @everyone tgif tayo atc, katatapos ko lang work, pwede ba kayo now? florencezamora: ih d nmn friday dadave: corny mo florencezamora: lol at least ako nagrereply I saw the messages in our group chat, but I never had the courage to reply. I want to talk to them, but my guilt always gets the better of me, so I'd rather rest than dwell on what they're saying. Minsan naiisip ko na i-share sa kanila lahat nang ginagawa ko, but then I decided not to because they might think I only show up kapag kailangan ko sila and then the next following day 'di na naman ako magre-reply. We've been hanging out since high school, and even when we went our separate ways for college, we stayed close. Different schools didn't change anything. It's one of those friendships where we don't need to constantly talk to know we're good. We've had our little fights, but nothing major. I remember we used to have these open forums every Friday. There was this one time that still makes me laugh up until now. I admitted I had a crush on our classmate, and I didn't know that Florence liked the same guy! We didn't talk for a few days after that, but she eventually said sorry. I didn't really care about the issue since we found out the guy had a girlfriend anyway. Looking back, nakakatawa lang na ganoon lang dati ang mga pinoproblema namin. I was about to charge my phone when I saw our polaroid picture on the back of my case. I realized I hadn't changed my phone case for a while and how much I missed them. Honestly, I don't know how to face them after ghosting them for almost a year. I'm afraid they might think of ending our friendship. I stared at the ceiling and asked myself if I was being unfair for not talking to them, or if they just didn't understand that I was going through a ghosting phase. We didn't have any issues the last time we talked, but lately, I feel out of touch with them. Well, kasalanan ko rin naman na gan'to nararamdaman ko. Ako 'yung nawala, e. "Yes, anak?" I was excited when Daddy finally answered the phone. It took twelve dials before he picked up! "Dy, can you buy me dinner?" pagpapa-cute ko. I still have some money left, it's just that I want to be clingy dahil ang tagal ko na siyang hindi nakakamusta. And I just want someone to talk to because I feel like I'm doing everything alone. Narinig ko ang boses ng secretary ni daddy sa background kaya medyo matagal bago pa siya makasagot sa akin. 8 PM na ah, ba't nasa office pa siya? "I'm sorry, anak, ang dami lang gawain. Go ahead order anything you want, I'll send you money." I sighed and sat at the edge of my bed. That's not what I meant. I wanted to have dinner with him because it's been a month since we last ate together. "Oh, okay!" I smiled bitterly when I heard him hang up first. He didn't even say goodbye! As usual, I ate alone. Again. I don't understand why I feel so alone even though I have my friends. Maybe because I know it's hard to reach out after being out of touch for so long. 'Di bale na, I'll just find the right time. I've never been thrilled at any event before, but tonight I feel like every minute is mine. After all the hard work and sacrifices I can proudly say that I succeed. I smiled to myself and instantly heard a song in the back of my mind of my favorite artist while staring at my nameplate. 'You're on your own, kid, you always have been.' Long story short, I passed all the tests, training, and, most importantly, the interview. Now, it feels surreal to finally say that I'm officially a flight attendant at Jet High Airlines! Nag-story ako nang picture ng nameplate ko. I kept this from everyone because I didn't want to jinx it. I didn't mention my plans to anyone, not even a single person, even my friends. I didn't post anything about my training even though I had tons of videos. I have been so tempted to post since the beginning of my training, but I was scared that I might brag too much and then it wouldn't happen. But then after all I've done, what breaks my heart the most is the loneliness of realizing that no one truly cares to celebrate my achievement with me, even my own family. I let out a sigh as I hung up my uniform and put it in the closet. After a moment, binuksan ko ang binili kong manok at nagsimula nang kumain. The only company I had was the quiet hum of my aircon. Wala pa man ako sa kalagitnaan nang pag-kain ko ay biglang mag-vibrate ang phone ko. florencezamora replied to your story: congrats, adi! I didn't know what to feel but I found myself in tears because of that simple message. Binuksan ko ang IG ko at pinindot ang conversation namin para reply-an siya. gregorioadi_: thank you florence :)) Lumawak ang ngiti ko nang makita kong typing siya. florencezamora: tgif? 🤓 Maybe I was overreacting when I thought they were mad at me. Behind my ghosting phase, they were the real ones who don't take that phase personally. They knew something's going on and in-overthink ko lang talaga na baka masyado ko ng napatagal ang pagkawala ko na siyang maging dahilan ng galit nila. gregorioadi_: i love you ☹️