A WHIRLWIND OF COLOR

22

I didn’t have the heart to tell him he should regret it. That he tore me away from the school I loved. From the town I loved. From everything I knew. “If you loved me as much as you say, why didn’t we just wait? I could have finished school there.”

“We were going to. But it got complicated rather quickly. I was going through a divorce and…”

“You’ve been married before?” I never in my life thought I’d be someone’s second choice in the end. I had been second my whole life. The thought of Austin blowing me off made me want to cry. I'd gone from one jerk to the next.

“I never loved her. It wasn’t like our relationship at all.”

“If you didn’t love her then why did you marry her?” I didn’t know why I was jealous. I didn’t even like James. But my mind was already running a million miles a second. Was she prettier than me? Skinnier? Did she still have all her memories intact?

“My parents were very controlling. And I…” he let his voice trail off. “I was numb to the world. I had given up on happiness at a pretty early age. My life was laid out for me. And I didn’t fight it like I should have.”

“Why were you numb to the world?”

“Penny, I wanted to talk about how in love we are and how perfect we are for each other. I brought you here to try and help remind you…”

“I don’t want to be given some lies about how our life was a fairytale, James. I overheard you talking to Rob. You said I wasn’t happy. I don’t want to hear some dream you made up…”

“I didn’t make any of this up. We were happy. Baby, we were so happy.”

“That was before I met you…”

“But it’s still a part of who you are. You can’t tell me the good and keep away the bad. You said you’d be honest with me. And I want to know about this.”

“I was depressed, okay?” He stood up, like the idea of being so close to me made it hard for him to breathe. “Before I became a professor, I was working at a job I hated with a wife I loathed. I contemplated ending my miserable life.”

I looked up at him. “So what changed?” Don’t say me. Don’t say I saved you. His conversation with Rob tumbled through my head. Don’t put it all on me.

“I turned to teaching because it was something I was actually passionate about.”

I breathed a sigh of relief.

“But I gave it up for you. Because you’re the only thing I love in this world more.”

Damn it.

“I swear to you, Penny, we were so happy.”

“So why’d we stop being happy?”

“Because you’re everything to me. But I’m not enough for you.” He ran his fingers through his hair as he looked over at the tree. “I was broken when I met you. I’ve had issues with substance abuse and depression. My life was a series of bad events until you fell into my arms.”

I’m married to a divorced addict? God. Had I known about his issues all along? Or had he hidden them from me like he had been trying to do now? I watched a tear slide down his cheek before he quickly brushed it away. And suddenly my questions didn’t matter.

“You’ve always been the light to my darkness, Penny.” He continued to stare at the tree instead of me. “And I think you finally realized that you deserved more light in your life than a man like me could possibly give you.”

My heart shattered. I didn’t even know him, but his words broke me. I felt big, fat tears roll down my cheeks. “You know…I think I could eat. If you still want to.” I wiped the tears away before he turned back toward me.

He smiled like I was giving him hope. And I’m pretty sure he pieced my heart back together just as quickly as he shattered it.

In that moment, I knew I was in trouble with this man. Because my heart seemed to know it belonged to him, even though my mind didn’t remember. He killed me and brought me back to life in a matter of seconds. And I was even more terrified of him than before.

Friday

I listened to our story from his point of view. The good, the bad, and the in-between. But it was mostly good as far as I could tell. I laughed at his retelling of the first time he met my parents. And I was entranced by how strong I seemed to be when our affair blew up in our faces. I understood why we left Newark. All of it made sense if we loved each other as much as he said. And how could I not believe him when he stared at me with such intensity? I was like putty in his hands.

“You thought I was unhappy because I wanted to have a career? It doesn’t sound like that had anything to do with you not being enough for me. It sounds like I wanted to…I don’t know…” I let my voice trail off. “You’ve given me the whole world. I probably felt like I didn’t deserve it.”

A smile spread across his face. “You always say that.”

“I do?”

“You do.” He reached across the table and grabbed my hand. This time he ran his thumb along my palm.

I thought him running his thumb along the back of my hand was calming. But this? I closed my eyes. It was like he could take away all my stress with one touch.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

I opened my eyes. “Yes, I just…” I stifled a sigh and glanced down at our hands. “I really like when you do that.”

“I know.”

I felt the color rise to my cheeks. What else did he know about my likes and dislikes? I looked back up at him. The heat in his gaze was palpable. I had this all-consuming feeling that he knew every single thing that I liked. Probably better than I knew myself. I swallowed hard. “I think it sounds like I was still madly in love with you.”