Lost

Growing Habits ☘ Jeremy

I just stared at those blood red lips and had it not been hers I would have thought that the devil painted it himself and they are just a sweet delicious poison but as soon as it touched my lips I know they were not the poison but a cure.

I woke up to a dream which was not a nightmare. It was a pleasant change for me since I had been suffering from nightmares for too long. I know I was losing a piece of sanity when I dreamt of Magenta and her lips. As much as it brought other thoughts to mind I know this was wrong from my end.

Just because I didn't keep a promise she refused to have coffee with me. And this thought was aggravating me more than it should. What was she expecting? That I will change as a person or did she thought I needed her more than I needed pain in my life.

I don't depend on people anymore, it always ends up disappointing you.

I picked up my cell phone to check any messages and was surprised to find a schedule waiting for me. I did dodge the photoshoot for almost a week and meanwhile, I did ask Magenta to have a coffee with me because I can't walk in that Coffee Cottage alone. And photo studio was right above it. I couldn't delay it any longer.

I pulled myself up from the bed swinging my legs lazily down the bed on my the carpet.

Reluctantly I dialled Ash's number and hoped that he would not pick up but of course he did.

"Why do you torture me this much Jeremy?"He asked with a tormented voice and I sighed.

"Let's go where ever you want."

"Really?" He asked disbelief evident in his voice.

I hmm-ed not wanting to mutter more words right after I woke up.

"Okay then let's start with a meeting with Sapphire and the director." I inhaled sharply at his words.

I did not want to meet her.

"And don't tell me you don't want to meet her." He reprimanded me like he could read minds.

"I will meet her but keep the meeting short." I took a chance of facing the fears even if it was painful because wasn't I thriving on pain?

***

The sharp smell of fragrance hit me as I sat down across Sapphire and our Director for the movie still untitled. Sapphire was in urgent need of change in her perfume collection, that fragrance was making me nauseous.

And just like that, I was being stared at by both of them.

"Make it short," I said even before they both could utter a word.

Director, Lincon handed me the script and one to Sapphire.

"Can we enact a scene?" He looked scared of making that request.

"Sure," I said surprising them both.

He thought I knew what the story was about but I was completely trusting Ash with this one.

"What you feel for me is not love." Sapphire already started reading the dialogues and that too with emotions.

I bit back my reaction of gagging.

"Then you tell me what do I feel?" I said in a monotonous tone and Lincon looked unsatisfied.

"You feel the need to be with me, I am like a habit."

Who even write such shitty stuff?

"Then is this not love?" I ask in same dull tone.

"We can do it some other time if you like," Sapphire asked in her honey sweet tone.

I avoided looking at her. I know this might be hurting her but I couldn't bring myself to look up and being flooded with laughs of my sister.

"Yes, it's better if we do it in the movie directly," I said looking at the director who nodded looking stressed.

And then he got up and left mumbling a goodbye and a sigh of relief. It made me wonder what were the rumours about me in the industry.

"How have you been Jeremy?" Sapphire asked once we were alone in the almost empty restaurant of a five-star hotel.

"I am fine. I have to go for a photo shoot, so see you later."

"You can't even look at me, how will we shoot a movie together?" She asked clutching my arm now.

"I am a professional Saph, I can manage," I said this time looking straight in her eyes.

And the tornado of emotion hit me as I remembered Charlotte and Sapphire playing by the beach, staying at home for long movie nights and other stupid things we did. I gulped and looked away before I panicked again. Clutching my palm in a fist I walked away before she saw the evident struggle on my face.

I had an idea this meeting was to see the so called chemistry needed between the lead pair. It will be pure torture to work with Sapphire but I will have to do it. Being a star was all I had and I needed that attention in life because as soon as I was left in the darkness I might not want to live.

"Where to next?" I asked as I sat down in the car with Ash.

"You have a shoot for an ad," Ash said carefully.

"And?"

"And a party at some co-stars place."

"And?"

"And a lineup of interview request if you agree."

That was not happening. I wanted someone to call me for the fights but it will take another fifteen days at least for someone daring enough to challenge a royal. But then again Magenta said she will not come to my fights and that immensely frustrated me.

As much as I want to deny like she said I counted day. It has been five days since I last met Magenta. And as much as the idea scared me, I was trying to find opportunities.

I had no idea where she lived or what she did? What her real name was? Who was Jack in her life?

My only connection to her was the charity hospital.

But I was not going there. I was not walking into this trap of life. I was not weakening just because Magenta had eyes that unfurled the deepest desires in me or the smile that controlled my emotions.

And just like the universe was against me, my phone rang and Shawn's name appeared on the screen.

I picked up immediately and Magenta's voice greeted me.

"Can we have that coffee now?" She asked and I felt a warm rush of feelings inside me like some f*****g emotional girl.

"Why, you suddenly realised that Jeremy is important in your life?" I mirrored her words just because I should not feel this thrilled by her call.

"I need to talk about something important." She said in a tone like she was planning something.

"Okay, I am coming to the hospital now." I agreed too quickly but I had no matter in sudden decision my heart was making now.

***

And here I thought she might be excited to meet someone like me. But she was dressed in what she usually wears, the tattered jeans and over worn long sleeve t-shirt that was long two sizes bigger for her.

For a second my eyes stopped on her lips which were red in my dreams. And then I flicked my gaze away feeling slightly uncomfortable.

As she stood outside the car, she stared at it like it was a foreign object.

"Get in Magenta. The coffee shop is a little far away." I said and she gulped looking slightly nervous.

What was wrong? Was this her first time seating in a car?

But then she opened it and climbed in.

"Getting in a car with strangers is a slight phobia for me so I had to remind myself you are not a stranger." She said with a strained smile.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Are we playing the question game?" She was avoiding the question.

"Yes, if you put it that way."

"It is my turn, Jeremy." She said and sat down in silence.

I sent Ash and the driver away and I was driving her myself.

"What did you want to discuss?" I asked since her silence was unnerving.

And her stomach grumbled in protest.

I notice colour rise to her cheek in embarrassment.

"I want to make a deal with you." She said shifting a little to face me and through my peripheral vision, I noticed her hands intertwined together.

"What kind of deal?"

"You know my friend Jack?" She asked still doubting herself for sharing whatever she was about to share.

"What about him? Do you want me to help you to run away with him?" I asked in a scathing tone.

And she sighed.

"Forget I asked." I bit back a curse word for my stupid mistake.

We stopped at Coffee Cottage and suddenly I realised she was underdressed for the location. But knowing her she will be furious if I tried to buy her some stuff which I shouldn't.

She walked in not even bothered by the way people stared at her or rather she didn't show if it bothered her and sat down the nearest empty seat. I ordered us the coffee before I came to sit down.

"Okay, my turn to question." She said finally her anger faded away now.

I nodded.

"Why are we here?" She asked the important question like she always did.

"To have coffee," I said trying to dodge her question.

"No, Jeremy you can't lie in this game."

The waitress came and placed two drinks in front of us. I got myself a plain mocha while hers was a vanilla latte with cream.

I was trying to think about anything but Charlotte but it so happens that the thing you don't want to think about is all you can think.

The right-hand corner where we use to sit when she came to my photo shoots to cheer me up or the time when she had a break-up and we sat here drinking almost every coffee on the menu because she hated alcohol.

When I was in the University, we came here almost every day after my classes. While I just drank Americano because I was a budding actor then she had her drinks with ice creams and whipped creams.

"Jeremy, what is wrong with you? Talk to me." Magenta looked a little stressed and I realised the pain must be evident on my face.

And suddenly her fingers reached out to my face. I went stiff as she gently wiped off the tears I didn't even know I shed.

"I came here with you because I can't come alone." I shared a part of truth with her.

She nodded not prodding further.

"My turn?" I asked trying not to show my weak side to her.

"What is your real name?" I asked since I should start unravelling the mystery that was Magenta.

She looked at me carefully like she was deciding whether I was worth trusting or not.

"Maureen." She said after a while and waited for me to react.

"Okay," I said since I had nothing else to say.

Should I be thankful to her for telling me her real name?

"Don't go around telling people my real name. Not everyone knows, even Shawn." She sounded strained about something.

Not even Shawn. That was oddly satisfying.

She took a sip of her coffee and her eyes widened.Her lips gradually lifted in a smile.

"This is great." I couldn't help but smile at her wonder-filled eyes but at the same time, it made me wonder why she never had such a casual drink.

I noticed that she cupped her cheeks between her hands her elbows resting on the table as she stared at me. I tried not to think about adjectives like adorable and cute.

"You look really nice when you smile." She complimented me.

And I tried to act casual. I was a film star usually bombarded with the questions about my good looks and tried not to take this one seriously.

The waitress came to my rescue when she picked up our empty mugs, Magenta surprisingly gulping down the whole thing.

Suddenly I choked up and breathing got harder for me as she placed two truffle chocolates for me. I was a regular here before Charlotte died and this was tradition kind of thing for us. After coffee, we got complimentary chocolates because the owner was a fan. I was holding up almost fine until.

I was gasping for breath now and my eyes watered. It was another one of my panic attacks as images of Char floated around me.

And next thing I knew was Magenta standing next to me. My breathing was getting slower and calmer as she hugged me, her arms around my neck and my head resting on her midriff. She was humming an unfamiliar tune but it was calming. The buzz in my head was gone and I was not hyperventilating now.

As much as I found that relieving I almost pushed her away.

"I don't need your help, I am fine." I snapped not trying to feel guilty.

I can't depend on people, I can't depend on emotions. I got up frustrated at myself for being so weak while Magenta look unfrazzled by my cold response.

"We will not meet again," I said making the sudden decision that I might regret later.

And I waited for her to slap me or do something equally drastic.

"We will, filmstar," And she smiled.

She f*****g smiled.

Her smile was serene and calm like I have not just insulted her.

I tried to glare at her.

"And what gave you that idea?" I asked because I knew in my core that she was right.

"Because you need me." She stated simply and walked out of the place.