Lost

False Hope ☘ Maureen

Hope is a strong term. If it had not been for hope I would have crossed the line of sanity a long time ago. If it had not been for hope, half the kids with us on street might have died one way or the other. If it had not been for hope depression would have engulfed half the population in the depths of despair and we could see no light through those thick clouds of darkness.

But hope was also a beautiful liar. Sometimes it is that mirage of happiness that just stares at you from a distance but as you are about to get closer it mocks at your despair and runs away a little further slipping through your grasp.

So when I was hoping that Jeremy will restrain himself from getting hit or try to finish the fight as soon as possible, I was wrong. As soon as he was in the ring his persona changed completely. He was not a superstar or even a man in there. He was an addict, addict for pain.

Violence for me is painful and yet I stood there watching him get hit as the thick red blood oozed out from his injuries, his brows creased as he calculated his next move. He was never in a hurry to finish or win, he savoured each hit that landed on him. My emotions went down from being angry to pain to flabbergasted to helpless.

But like I said, hope. I held onto that last string of hope even though it was stupid.

I had to walk out when Sam pulled me away telling me to help Jack. But I could not help anyone. Because in that moment I knew that exerting my brain and my senses took a toll on me as I crumbled down not caring where I was.

***

When I woke up I was still in the corridor leading from hotel to the fight arena. Sam might have gone since Jack needed some stitches and even though he won he was still pretty beaten up. Sam might not have noticed that I fainted somewhere in between.

The corridor was empty and as soon as I got up I rushed back to find the door for back entry to the hotel was closed. That was fine since I know another door from the back alley. I was supposed to be here to help Jeremy. And I realised that healing him will be difficult. He was living with the help of pain, I need to let him know he could live without it as well.

And for that, I needed his story so I walked back out to help him.

***

His intense gaze scared me.

Not in afraid for my life kind of way but the unwrapping of new feelings in me kind of way. With not much time to live I was not open to new feelings now.

We were back in the hospital and I was mending his injuries. Ane he silently stared at me. He was struggling with something and I wanted to know what but I kept quiet.

"I am not going to come to another fight," I told him in a calm tone.

But he just stared at me. He didn't blink when the antiseptic seeped into his wound. He didn't wince when I cleaned the wound. He just stared at me.

"Are you dead Jer?" I asked and autocorrected, "Jeremy."

"I killed a man," He suddenly said and I froze.

I was trying to find right words to say but couldn't. He was trying to scare me again.

"I am sure he deserved it," I said reminding myself how every murder is not done with evil intentions.

He doesn't know that I have lived on streets for far too long to see the universe in black and white. There was that grey that could be bad and good according to situations. He doesn't know how many kids there killed someone to walk out or how many girls killed someone to escape a life of embarrassment and torture.

He doesn't know how many times I wanted to kill my step parents.

He was staring at me with surprise instead.

"That's not a usual response I get."

"And you go around telling people that you killed someone?" I asked as I sat down in a chair right in front of him.

"A few know." He shrugged casually.

"So why did you kill him?" I asked not really ready for an answer.

"I think you should ask how I have it in me to kill a person and sleep at night?" There was a hard edge to his voice.

"Do you sleep at night?" I asked not sure he did.

"Don't read me like a f*****g book Magenta, I am much more than that." He said and of course, I knew that.

"I know you are stubborn, jerk, ruthless, arrogant." He glared at me for the blatant use of epithets.

"But I also know that you are lost," I said and he waited for me to explain this.

"I am honoured that you hold me in such high regard." His voice was dripping with sarcasm.

"You threw money at me two times, that is most you can get."

"Then come have coffee with me." And even though those were casual words my heart reacted to them unkindly.

"Not this time. You will get a punishment for breaking a promise." I had to make him realise I was not kidding around with my words.

He laughed a hollow laugh and said in a bitter tone," Really? Promises Magenta. People break them all the time without giving a s**t and then they make promises and go f*****g die without even fulfilling them."

He has lost someone special. I discovered another chapter in his life.

"I can say you don't take rejection well," I answered in a light tone.

I saw his shoulder muscles relax and in sync so did I.

"When will you run?" He asked in a tone filled with a mixture of agitation and awe.

"It will be sooner than you think," I answered with the little amount of truth," Don't get too attached superstar."

"I don't get attached to people, they are all selfish and liars."

"That is a wise thing to do unless you get lonely." I tried not to sympathise with his way of living.

"I don't get lonely either, I have many people pining for my attention." There he was boasting again.

"And is attention is all that you need?" I asked but his silence was the only answer I got.

"I have to get back before my friend kills me," I said in light humour and as I was leaving I had a little uneasiness in doing so.

"How will you get back home?" He asked the question I wanted to ask.

"I live close by." And I prayed to God that he didn't ask me about it.

Once the superstar realised that I lived on the street I was a little afraid to face him, either with a look of disgust or sympathy.

He was carefully observing me when he nodded finally not bothering me about my home.

"How will you get home?" I asked.

He just gave me an amused look and got up groaning in the process.

And just like that, he went away as I regretted getting another chance at helping me.

I pulled up my list from my pocket and wrote, Drink maximum flavour of coffee.

It sounded stupid but the way characters in books relished this drink I always wanted to try that so here was another thing added to my list.

***

"You have been sneaking out Reen, you never did that before," Sam asked in an accusing tone.

I was struggling with a lie to tell but I managed to find a good one.

"I am reading again," I said not completely lying now.

"You are going to Sabir?" She asked a little surprised since the drunkard has gone worse.

"No, a little public library venture."

"And they allow you in without a card?" Sam was pissed off because she was asking smart questions.

"I steal Sam, it's easy. I return it after reading."

"Fine, don't tell me. But if it's any trouble let me know or at least let your sweetheart know."

"I am not lying." I protested.

"Then stop blinking that much." She gave me a deadpanned look.

Shit, she knew I started blinking too much when I lie.

"And sweetheart?" I asked to change the topic.

"Jack, who else?" And I had to give out a bark of laughter at her words.

"Clueless." She mumbled.

"How is he?" I asked.

"Furious that I left you behind and worried about you." She answered as if this was obvious.

Jack actually liked me? I have to notice from now on and make him dislike me because he doesn't know the pain he was getting in. My eyes watered at the thought of this. Jack was my crush, he had been my protector.

If, If by any chance he liked me I wanted to be loved my someone and protected. Some might deny the desire of love but there is not a soul that doesn't need it. I know I did and now that I had maybe a chance at this I had no life to enjoy it.

I quickly walked out as Sam started talking to Minzy, a little girl crying awfully loud.

Inhaling sharply, I let the tears fall down easy now. There are few times when I feel bad about my impending death and it was one of those times. I wanted to scream and shout and let everyone know about my troubles. It was one of those moments when I want to be taken care of, needed a warm hug but just because I want it doesn't mean I will get it so I just sobbed until I was tired and made myself understand like all the other broken people out there that I do not, should not desire love.

***

I was sitting on the floor of a dark alley behind a skyscraper with Sabir. I started counting the floors but somewhere in between my eyes lost focus and I lost the count as well. Sabir was busy murmuring to himself and I knew he wouldn't talk till his musings were done so I busied myself with other mundane tasks like counting floors of a really tall building.

"What do you want from me now?" He finally said in a bored tone after an hour of doing nothing.

"Nothing. Just some words of wisdom." I said not sure what I actually wanted to ask.

"You got me something to eat?" He asked and I offered him a half burned bread and some milk I bought from my first hard-earned money.

On cue, my stomach growled but Sabir ignored that as he chewed on the bread hungrily.

"If someone is dying what should they do?" I asked directly.

"What do you think?" I hated Sabir's method of question on a question.

I answered him nevertheless.

"I think they should try to do things they wish for, be reckless since there is no fear of life now. But alienate themselves from people so that when they die, they leave no one behind in pain."

He drank the milk like a starved person, spilling half of it and gulping down the rest.

"Or you could announce to the world and enjoy the attention." He said between his bites.

I was about to tell him it was not affordable for me, it will only become a cause of burden for Jack and Sam.

"Anything else?" I asked now getting up since talking to him was a lost cause.

"Don't fall in love." He said this time looking in my direction.

"Who said I was dying Sabir, it was just a question?" I said with an agitated tone.

And Sabir I was not that selfish.

☘ ☘ ☘