Strong Allies

Second Opinions

"Friendships go through stages. They usually start with casual interest before getting to the serious bonding later. Try to take shortcuts when you can."

I decided to tell my dad. I needed help, and I trusted him. He was the one who put his foot down when I was ten and said it wasn"t right to keep moving me around the country. He and my little sister were all I had.

My shoulders tensed up when I started thinking about how to do it. My dad was Catholic born and raised. He didn"t really preach to nonbelievers, or quote from the bible in everyday conversation, or tell Kim and me we were going to hell if we skipped mass, but he definitely believed. I had always been sort of proud of how moral he was, how he volunteered at the church whenever he could and encouraged us to as well. I knew that he would never do anything to hurt me, even in the name of religion. But there was a chance he would tell me something I didn"t want to hear.

When we arrived home, I waited for my sister to head up to her bedroom. Then I said, "Dad, I have something to tell you."

He sat down on the couch. "What"s that, Philio?"

"Well ... I think I might be gay or bisexual."

Dad looked surprised, that was for sure. But after a moment, his face went carefully blank. "Oh, really," he said neutrally.

"There was this boy at school today," I said. "He was ... I felt drawn to him. I think this must be what crushes are. So that means ... that means I"m probably gay, right? Or bisexual. Maybe I"ll start having crushes on girls, too." I was talking about twice as fast as normal, forehead damp with sweat.

"Maybe," he said. "How long have you felt like this?"

"It just happened today, while I was waiting after school," I said.

He sat with his back pressed against the couch, at a loss for words for a moment. After a bit, he smiled weakly. "I"m glad you felt like you could tell me," he said. "A lot of kids worry about this kind of thing for years."

I sighed in relief. "I know that you"ll love me no matter what," I said.

"You"re right about that," he said, gazing benevolently at me. "I love you, son, and I will always love you."

"Dad, I don"t know what to do. Mr. Bobrowski said gay people were called to a life of celibacy. But I don"t know if I can do that. When I saw that boy ... I don"t even know his name, Dad, but I just wanted to get close to him. I wanted it more than I thought I could want anything. What if I feel that way forever?"

Dad put a hand on my shoulder. "Philio, whether you"re attracted to men or women, you"ll never be able to get close to everyone you feel attracted to. You"ll find yourself drawn to lots of people who won"t feel the same way about you, or won"t be available to date you. You"ll get used to dealing with that when you get a little experience under your belt."

"I know," I said. "But I guess I always thought in the end I"d end up with somebody. Now I might have to end up with nobody!"

"Well ... yes," he said. "Maybe."

I cut to the chase. "What do you think is right, Dad?"

He paused for a long time, his feet tapping on the carpet, his forehead wrinkled in thought. I awaited his judgment, trying to stay calm. Half of me wished I hadn"t asked and the other half was desperate for him to decide for me.

"I don"t know," he admitted.

I stared at him. How was that possible?

"I"m no expert on Catholic doctrine, Philio. To be honest I hadn"t given the matter much thought before today. These things were never spoken of when I was growing up. Most Catholics do think that men marrying men is wrong; that"s how it was for hundreds of years. But others think it isn"t wrong, and that group is starting to grow."

"Have you ever known any gay people?" I asked.

"In passing," he said, hemming and hawing. "Old neighbors, people who worked with your mom. It never pays to get involved in other people"s personal business, son."

"So ..." I said heavily.

"Philio," he said, "you are a bright boy. If you are concerned about this, you should look into it. Pray, read your bible, speak to Father Gries, look up what the latest encyclicals from the pope have to say, whatever you have to do. It seems like every pope has a different take on the matter, and between my death and yours no doubt it will shift further."

"Popes can disagree with each other?" I asked.

Dad laughed. "They can and have. You might think of the church as some kind of eternal rock, but if you study your history you"ll find that the powers that be have changed their position a time or two. Slavery, feminism, saying mass in Latin ... Some say God only reveals the path a little bit at a time. A few years before I was born, they had a big convention called Vatican II, where they changed all sorts of little rules. The older folks thought the whole church might die out. But it didn"t. It survived, Philio, and it will survive the gay civil rights movement. In the meantime, you will have to decide what is right for you."

As pleased as I was that this conversation hadn"t turned ugly, I felt a little let down. How was I supposed to know the right thing to do if my dad didn"t?

The next day at school, I was a little on edge. Every corner I turned I had an eye out for the freckled boy, not sure if I feared or wanted to see him more. And every time I approached a boy to ask him to have lunch, I searched myself for that warm feeling.

I sure didn"t find it in Trolljohn.

"Where"s Carly?" he asked.

"I matched her," I said. "She"s over there." I pointed to Maddie"s table.

Megan and Trolljohn were for once united in being weirded out.

"So she"s not sitting with us anymore?" asked Megan.

"People can have more than one group of friends," I said. "She asked to be matched."

"So she didn"t like us," said Trolljohn.

"You made it pretty clear you didn"t like her," I told him.

"I told you, I"m an asshole," said Trolljohn. "That doesn"t mean I don"t like people."

"Well, you scared her away," said Megan.

Trolljohn. "Not my fault if she"s sensitive."

Someone was approaching our table. I recognized Elijah Salvi from the other day.

"Hi," he said. "Have you got room for one more?"

"Sure," I said. "Where"s Jonas?"

"Off campus. The upperclassmen get to go off campus for lunch on Fridays, but I"m only a sophomore so I have to stay here."

"That sucks," said Trolljohn. "So you don"t have any friends in your own class?"

"Not in early lunch," said Elijah.

"Oh, right, same," said Trolljohn. "You should get Philio to match you with some. He already pawned off his friend Carly on some other people."

"Oh for Pete"s sake," I said. "She wanted to be matched and I matched her."

"So you don"t have, like, any permanent friends, do you?" said Trolljohn. "Kind of ironic."

His words were nothing new to me. Of course it was ironic, but at the same time it was perfectly logical. I had no permanent friends because I didn"t need permanent friends. I would happily spill all of my secrets to anyone who asked. And if they didn"t like my secrets, I"d drop them and go find some other group to hang out with.

"You"re right," I told Trolljohn. "I"m horribly defective, huh?"

"Oh, right, does admitting it make it not matter?" he asked.

"Hey, cool it," said Elijah. "No one"s making you sit here."

"Yeah, can we, like, evict John?" Megan suggested. "I feel like he"s bad for business."

"I"ll evict your face, b***h!" said Trolljohn.

Megan stood up. "What is your deal?"

"I think we"d all like to know that," said Elijah.

Trolljohn just folded his arms and glowered at the other two. But I wasn"t fooled. I"d known a lot of Trolljohns in my life.

"He"s upset about something," I said calmly.

"Yeah, Megan"s face," said Trolljohn.

"That"s not going to work on me," I told him. "Tell us what you"re upset about."

Silenced by curiosity, Megan and Elijah stared at him, too.

"So on top of everything else, you"re Gandhi and Freud, too?" said Trolljohn.

"No," I said. "This is about you."

Trolljohn said nothing.

"You want to tell someone, don"t you?" I said. "You don"t have to. But you want to."

Trolljohn said nothing.

"Whatever it is, terrorizing Megan and Elijah isn"t going to help," I told him.

"You condescending prick," he said.

"I am, aren"t I?" I replied. "But this is still about you."

"How incredibly convenient that you get to decide whose turn it is," said Trolljohn. "That way it never has to be your turn, does it?"

"Taking a turn isn"t a punishment, John," I said. "I want to help."

"Oh, it isn"t?" he said. "So why don"t you want to take one?"

"I do," I said. "We can all have a turn."

"Oh, like show and tell?" he said.

"Feel and tell," said Elijah. "I like it."

"Is this Barney?" said Megan. "Are we on Barney right now?"

"I agree with Megan," said Trolljohn.

"Fine then, don"t play," I said. "Elijah, how are you feeling today?"

"I"m all right, Philio," he said, grinning. "I"m a little jealous that my friends went to Tostada Tunnel without me, but mostly I understand. I"m enjoying getting to know all of you. Say, how are you feeling today?"

"I"m pretty stressed out," I said. "I"m trying to help a bunch of people be friends, but it isn"t going too well. Also, I just realized yesterday that I might be gay."

That got everybody"s attention.

I hadn"t planned on saying anything, and I wasn"t sure why I"d said it exactly. Maybe I wanted to win at Feelings Chicken. Maybe Christopher was right and I just have no filter. But I"d said it, and I"d forgotten to be afraid until afterward.

They all gave me pretty much the same look my dad had, with minor variations. Elijah sort of frowned, while Trolljohn looked amused and Megan sort of pleased.

"What happened?" said Megan.

"Saw a guy, felt funny, put two and two together," I said as nonchalantly as I could.

"What guy?" Trolljohn asked.

"I don"t even know his name," I said.

"Exciting!" said Megan. "I"ve never met a gay guy before. Are you going to ask him out?"

"Not sure how I feel about it yet," I said. "Good Catholic boys don"t ask out other boys, do they?"

"Screw good Catholic boys," said Trolljohn.

"Maybe don"t screw them until the second date," said Megan, laughing.

"Just a minute," said Elijah. "Maybe Philio"s right. You"ve all read the bible."

"Wait," said Megan. "Are you homophobic?"

"No," said Elijah. "I don"t fear or hate gay people. But that doesn"t mean I think they should do whatever they want."

"Well, when you"re all finished deciding if I"m going to go to hell for thinking about freckle boy," I said. "John, it"s your turn."

He waved a hand. "I was just worried about some family stuff."

"Care to elaborate?"

"Parents ... might get divorced ... normal stuff," he said.

"Okay," I said. "Thanks for sharing."

"You too," he said. "Takes some balls, doesn"t it?"

Megan giggled. "I bet Philio takes some balls."

"Little too soon for innuendos," I said. But I felt better somehow.