Hold Me
1994 Words
Michael Outside The Book
The sun is just starting to rise, and I have summoned my young self to a different part of this vessel. When I call him to come he swings down from the rope attached to our bedroom loft's base. Today I’m teaching him how to paint the sky with light. He is, very direct in his strokes. Bright orange sherbet seems to be his preference at the moment.
People are milling around miles below. They are surrounded by water on all sides. I can hear the sound of the train rotating on it tracks. Around and around in syncopated rhythm. It's been a few months since Alisa revealed her condition to Freddy. He waits on her hand and foot, and it's clear the attention drives Alisa up the wall. Today they are walking around the lake when suddenly Alisa starts to double over, cramping.
“I'm sorry, kid, but I have to put the lesson on hold for now” I write in the sky.
"Of course," My young self replies.
Alisa
Much to my chagrin, Freddy picks me up, and carries me to my room. He then calls a doctor to come.
---
"You need to go on bed rest," the doctor says. "What!? No... I"
Freddy puts his hand on my shoulder, concern in his eyes. "You've been pushing yourself too hard," He says
"I've been busy" I have to maintain my independence somehow.
Then Freddy gives me a look that melts my heart to butter. No, come on, Alisa resist. Still, it's impossible; I can't do anything against the love in his eyes.
"Alisa, please, If anything happened to you... or the baby I don't..." he doesn't finish his thought, knowing how I feel, or at least how I pretend to feel. I won't give in; I don't deserve it.
I sigh. "I know" My voice shakes.
After Freddy assures the doctor he will make sure I take care of myself, the man leaves.
Freddy
She always seems angry at me. I don't know what I did; I just want to be here for her. I always want to be here for her, forever, but she's got a wall unending miles thick. Just when I think I might have gotten a little bit through, she locks up. I sit behind her, pulling her into my arms.
Alisa
---
Oh, stop looking at me like that. Please, it hurts too much... I can't, ah, I'm so tired... I'll just rest my head. His heartbeat is so steady; no, Alisa, don't give in. I know he would never hurt me... But that's not the trouble.
---
Freddy
I need to be here with her. No, that's not true, at least not entirely true. I want to be here. It suddenly hits me; Alisa is letting me hold her. She's never done that before. It gives me a small measure of hope. Should I get up? I've decided on a few things. It means I have to rise. I decide against it, I don't know when I'll get a chance to do this again, so I turn us both on our sides and fall asleep.
I rub her back as she turns in my arms. She tenses but doesn't try to stop me.
"Freddy, you can't be here; I don't deserve you."
What can I say? I know what to say. "I don't care."
"You should."
"I'm going to be here no matter what you do."
She tries to pull away from me, but I hold her steady. She doesn't burst into tears; it's not her nature, but her whole body shakes, trying to hold in what clearly is her grief. I risk a kiss on her temple, and exhausted, she falls back to sleep. The morning rises, and I write Alisa a message telling her I'm going to run some errands. I drive through the pouring rain to the practice hall, where Brook is standing at the front, and everyone is filtering into the auditorium. I sit, and after everyone has left, I walk up to Brook.
She looks at me quizzically. "Good morning." She says.
"Good morning," I respond.
"I need to talk to you. Are you free?"
"I can be... What's up?
"In private" She nods and takes me to the back beyond the practice hall.
On the other side of the hallway is a line of offices. She opens the door to one of them, and we both walk in. She motions for me to sit down and settles in behind a simple but elegant desk.
I take a breath. "Alisa's on bed rest, doctor's orders."
"Oh no," I nod, and she laughs under her breath. "I feel sorry for both of you, honestly. I guess this means you need time off."
"Yes, in truth."
Brook nods. "Okay, I’ll deal with the paperwork. How long will you need? I'm assuming until your baby is born, at least."
I hesitate. Do I tell her the truth? No, that' up to Alisa, it stings more than I want to dwell on that this baby is someone else's. But, I know that won't stop me from loving it as much as I would my own. Once were done I head back up to the house.
Alisa
"Hey, Phoenix," I say as she walks through the back door. I'm relieved that it's not Freddy; he can be a bit like a helicopter. She plops down on the love seat positioned at a 90-degree angle to mine.
"Freddy will freak out when he sees you out of bed" I roll my eyes and throat laugh under my breath.
"Don't worry, I'll cover for you," she says
Phoenix sighs a characteristically dramatic breath. "Colten is so... Oh my god... he's just"
"I would listen all too gladly if I didn't think you really like him, and you're just trying to deny the fact," I say, feeling more than just a bit hypocritical.
She looks pained. "You can't say that... Even if I did... He's engaged."
Oh, I put my foot in it. "Phoenix, I'm sorry."
She continues, "And it's not as if I'd be good for him, even if he wasn't... I'm such a mess."
I laugh. "Well, I mean, you are pretty strange."
"Shut up" She barks
"Oh, so I'm not allowed to agree?" I chide.
She throws a pillow across the room and right into Freddy's path. He ducks away. "Whatever I did, I'm sorry."
"Oh hey," He sits on the couch next to me. He starts to pull me in, then hesitates.
Phoenix rolls her eyes. "You two are ridiculous; cuddle already,"
Freddy swallows uncomfortably. "I should go, it's getting late" he gets up and leaves.
Phoenix scrunches her brow. "What? What did I say?"
I try to get up but suddenly feel dizzy. Phoenix rises and helps me to my room.
Michael Outside The Book
Freddy walks through a portal as I turn the page.
Freddy
I'm angry, but who am I angry at? Alisa? No, I'm angry at myself for falling for someone who is not ready for a relationship. I can't even blame her, she's broken. That much is clear; she thinks she deserves to be broken.
She's wonderful; I realize no person is perfect, but she jumped into my heart the first time my skin touched hers in that practice room, and I never want anyone else. Suddenly I feel inexplicably calm; how is that?
Michael Outside The Book
Oh, what a storm his words create. He has good reason to feel how he does. I start to write. As I do; he looks up and sees my words appear on the blank wall next to him.
---
Name the names of all you're feeling
Give yourself a peaceful answer
She is silent; you are reeling
Take your heart down her hidden river
---
He speaks, "Hi, Michael"
“Hi” I write.
"Can you tell me what to do? I'm at a loss."
I can’t help but smile “Don't worry, she'll come to you. Send for her mother; Alisa needs her.”
"I did consider that, she's been bored out of her mind on bed rest and I'm pretty sure I only make it worse. Thanks, Michael"
“My pleasure”, He scribes “I'll leave you alone now; get some rest”
Freddy
I have to laugh; Michael is a bit of an urban legend around here... Though I wonder if you can really call Oak Falls urban. Either way, I'm glad to know that someone knows the pain I'm in. I head up the stairs to my room, get ready for sleep and climb into bed.
---
The next day I call Alisa's mother.
"Grant Bluff Eleanor speaking," I hear a strong, clear, decidedly feminine voice on the other end of the line.
I speak, "Hello, my name is Freddy Black; I'm your daughter's dance partner."
"Oh hello! It's nice to meet you, albeit over the phone, Alisa has told me about you."
"Likewise, really? Oh!"
"You don't need to tell me she talks about me. I know she keeps her feelings pretty close to herself. How is she? How's the baby?"
I sigh. "On bed rest, she's going pretty stir-crazy, I wish I could help her, but I get the feeling I'm just making it worse. I wouldn't ask if..."
"You want me to come?" It's more of a statement than a question.
"Yes"
Michael Outside The Book
I am watching the road in the book. Elenor has traversed the trek from Kananaskis Country, Alberta, to this water-bound vista. Freddy is sitting at the ferry terminal waiting for the boat to arrive. When it does, a youthful-looking middle-aged woman walks off the ferry. They greet each other with a hug and Freddy leads her to the train.
Freddy
We sit at the front. I'll admit that I'm nervous. "How was your trip?"
The woman who so closely resembles Alisa chuckles under her breath, "Long."
I smile and nod. "I'm guessing you're hungry."
"I could eat, how's my daughter?" She gets straight to the point.
"Ali is well, and very bored."
"She never did like to sit still." Eleanor nods
"No, she doesn't." Very quickly, we arrive. We exit the train, through the court yard and the patio, and finally to the living room and kitchen. Alisa is sitting on the couch in the living room, her feet propped up. Phoenix is sitting on the love seat perpendicular to Alisa. Eleanor walks into the room behind me. They hug, and I duck out of the room.
Alisa
I can't believe him. I mean, I can; it's just the sort of thing he would do. My mom sits on the couch that Phoenix just deserted.
"Freddy is nice," she says.
"Mom, what are you doing here?" I don't want to see her; it hurts too much. We have always kept each other, if not at arm's length, then apart at a safe distance. It's not that I don't love my mom; I do; we've just never been close. It was always Dad and me against the world.
"Honey," Oh great, here comes a lecture. I brace myself "I'm not here to tell you what to do or how to feel; you're an adult now. I just want to support you and help if I can"
What? She did; she just. I can't cry. I won't. I don't get to feel better ever. "I'm confused mom, really how did you..."
"Freddy called me and asked me to come so I did."
"Yeah, he's a good friend," I state, not wanting to get deeper than I already am.
"Is that all?" She c***s her head to the side
"Mom," I roll my eyes
She shrugs. "Just sayin' "
"Next subject, please," I practically beg.
"Fine," she raises her hands in mock surrender. This is a beautiful place.
"Yes, it is," I sigh, relieved.
- Writer
