Heart Beats Again

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[Lea's POV]

"Nasa northbound si Eli. Doon na lang daw niya tayo hihintayin." ani Cy habang nakatuon ang mga mata sa kanyang phone.

Tinulungan ko siya sa paglapag ng mga pinamili namin sa counter. Hindi ako makapaniwala. Parang nasa panaginip ko lang noon ang ganitong scenario. I would buy groceries and Cy would accompany me, we would bring the stuffs to the counter and everyone thinks that we're a happy pair of lovers.

"I think Eli knows that you like me. She's setting us up." Napapailing na sambit niya habang nakangisi.

Magagalit kaya siya pagnalaman niyang alam ko na sinadya ni Eli na iwan kaming dalawa?

"Your sister is... n-naughty. Saan pala siya sa northbound?"

"Sa Hallster. Nauna nang lumamon." Bumuntong-hininga siya. Naiinis siguro dahil iniwan siya ni Eli kasama ako.

I've known Cy for as long as I can remember and ever since, I could really feel that he hates me. Well, not the literal 'hate' but I could feel that he dislikes my style, humor and my dumbness. Kaya it's quite surprising nung nag-offer siya na maging tutor ko.

Iniwan namin ang mga pinamili namin sa baggage counter bago kami nagsimulang maglakad papunta sa northbound ng mall.

Nakasunod ako kay Cy and just by watching him walk makes me open my mouth in awe. He walks with authority and confidence because he knows that he's smart and has a lot of things to offer.

Titig na titig ako sa kamay ni Cy habang naglalakad kami. I wish I could hold his hand someday without hesitation. It's saddening to see him beside me yet he's still undeniably far. What else should I do for you to appreciate me, Cy?

"So, wala kang girlfriend?" Binasa ko ang pang-ibabang labi ko at sumabay sa kanya sa paglalakad.

"Nope, wala."

"Really? What about naging girlfriend? Or flings?" He chuckled because of my annoying series of questions.

"You know me, Lea. I know you know every bit of me. I think you already have the answers to your questions."

"I'm curious. Why? You're smart, attractive, and a man who has a clear sight of his own future. Ba't never ka pang nagkaroon ng girlfriend? I'm pretty sure you're not gay." Tumawa siya pero nananatili akong seryoso.

"How can I have a girlfriend if no one is in love with me?"

"Really? Then ano ako? Malunggay?" He awkwardly smiled and he slowed down walking.

"That's just an adoration, Lea. I'm referring to love... a feeling that is so heavy. 'Yung hulog na hulog talaga." Tumango ako na parang naiintindihan ko ang sinasabi niya.

It is actually him that doesn't understand. It's f*****g suffocating that he doesn't understand and I don't know how to explain.

I am in love with him. So deeply that it's hard to swim back to the shore. I'm captivated and drawn to him. If only he knows how much I crave for his attention... for his existence.

"I want you to rate with the scale from one to five."

"Rate what?"

"Kung may pag-asa ba ako sayo." Natigilan siya sa paglalakad at napatitig sa akin na sobrang gulat dahil sa bulalas ko. Taas noo ko siyang tinitigan pabalik. Gusto ko maging prangka at kahit gusto ko nang lumuhod sa sobrang pamamanhid ng mga paa ko, I chose to face him with confidence.

My heart is pounding so crazily fast as I waited for his answer. His mouth was half-open and I know he's confused by what to say pero hindi ko talaga nakayanan, i'm eager to know what i'm fighting for!

"H-hindi ako ang makakasagot niyan, Lea."

"Then sino? Mommy mo?" He scoffed before looking away. He held his chin, thinking of what to answer.

"I-it's just that... i'm not worth it, Lea. Kung ano man ang nararamdaman mo para sa akin, mas mabuti kung tigilan mo. I'm not worth the fight, Lea."

"How can you say that? You are worth it and i'm willing to give up everything just to fight for you." Bumagal ang paghinga ko pero hindi ko inalis ang pagtitig ko sa kanya. He looks puzzled and overwhelmed.

"Mas mabuti siguro kung puntahan na lang natin si Eli." Tipid akong ngumiti bago umiwas din ng tingin. Nakita ko siya sa gilid ng mga mata ko na tumango at napapalunok.

Did I scared you, Cy?

Hindi siya umimik at tahimik din ako. I'm stuck whether I regret asking him or not. Nonetheless, he will still talk to me even if he likes it or not.

Napatingin ako sa sahig habang naglalakad kami. He talks to me and helps me with my studies but I know I could never catch his eyes.

Sila ba ni Pauline? May nararamdaman ba siya para kay Pauline? Siya pa rin ba?

"I already ordered for you, ate." Matamis na ngumiti sa akin si Eli pagpasok ko ng Hallster. Nakaupo siya sa stool habang naka-cross ang mga paa.

Whenever Eli smiles, it makes me feel like i'm a decade older than her. Maka-baby face kasi siya especially her chinita eyes na asset niya.

"What about me? Kapatid mo ako." Tinaasan ni Eli ng kilay ang kuya niya na ikinatawa ko bago tumabi sa kanya.

"I only care for girls. Besides, you're old enough." Umiling na lang si Cy bago pumunta ng counter para umorder ng sarili niyang pagkain.

Nilibre ako ng Eli ng sour cream flavoured french fries and waffles. I tried my best not to look so down because of the conversation I had with Cy earlier. Sobrang observant kasi ni Eli kaya dapat hindi ako magpahalata.

Kahit si Cy ay umakto na parang walang nangyari. He acted so cool and he talks to me without finding it awkward. He's just so good... at pretending.

[Pierce: Are you up for tomorrow? Pupunta kami ng Miraya Sports Complex para manood ng sports festival.]

[Me: Anong oras ba? May tutorial ako, e.]

[Pierce: Half-day lang naman, e. Pupunta tayo roon mga seven ng umaga tas babalik naman pagka-alas dos.]

"Umm... baka sa hapon ako makakapunta bukas. Inaaya ako nina Pierce na pumunta ng Miraya."

"Sports festival nga pala bukas ng mga Universities. Sayang, hindi ako makakapunta, birthday kasi bukas ng kaibigan ko. I guess hindi tayo makakalaro bukas, ate." Kumibit-balikat si Eli at napatingin naman ako kay Cy. "O-okay lang ba sayo, Cy, na magpapa-tutor ako bukas ng hapon sayo?"

"Sure, i'm cool with it."

Perfect!

[Me: Ghe, ghe. Pupunta ako. Sabihan mo si Eion na sunduin niya ako.]