My Second Chance at Love

Emma's POV Four years ago... This week has been hell. I don't mean just one of those hard weeks where you come home and need a drink, I mean one of those weeks where you come home daily and need a few drinks. My husband, Rob, has been home before me every single night, yet when I get home, nothing is done. Literally, nothing. No food is cooked, no laundry done, no yard work done, no dishes washed, nothing. If I'm being honest, every single evening when I've gotten home from work, he hasn't even been home, not technically. He's been home, dropped off his work vehicle, then gone to his grandma's to hang out with the family. So, that's why I'm shocked when I pulled in the driveway and he's home. Maybe the awful argument we had last night spurred him to change. I mean, I know he works hard. He has a physical job, but I'm in my senior year of college and working over forty hours a week. I backed my Mustang into my usual parking spot in front of our home. I get out and grab all my books from today's classes, my bag with my wallet and keys in it, and my drink that I grabbed before leaving work. I mentally thank my boss again for letting me leave a few hours early. These 8:30 - noon classes followed by work until 9:30pm are beyond draining. I smell the rain coming in the air; that smell has always reminded me of change. When I get to the door, I unlock the knob but the deadbolt is locked. "That's odd," I say out loud. We never lock the deadbolt if we're home. I unlock the deadbolt and slowly step in, but it's too late. I hear it, the moans and grunts from our bedroom. I slip my heels off, set my stuff down quietly. I just have to know. This cannot be true. I walk back to our room. The door is open. There he is, watching porn, with his d**k in his hand. "What the hell?" I yell at him. "Seriously, this is what you've been coming home early to do. You've been jerking off and that's why you don't want s**t to do with me?" Rob looks up to me from our bed and has the audacity to say, "if you looked like them or even had half the enthusiasm of those girls, I'd choose you every time." "Wow! So this is about me," I cried at him. No, I don't look like a porn model, but I've got a big ass, thick thighs, and a decent rack. Two years ago... Sitting at an infertility clinic is not how I wanted to spend my twenty-fourth birthday. My regular OBGYN told me that it was all stress related. Since finding Rob jerking off to porn and him coming clean about the absolutely insane amount that he watched, I kicked him out. Of course, I let him back in and we worked on things. By we, I me I worked on things. I started buying more sexy underwear and being more enthusiastic during s*x. I don't know why I would be though, because missionary position and his paw-paw socks are just not it, but at least I'm trying. Anyway, I've graduated from college, quit working retail, started teaching, and we don't fight as much. Hopefully, we're going to get some promising news today. The meds they have me on have caused some weight gain, but that's expected. As I'm sitting here in this little office mentally going through all the reasons why Rob and I would make good parents, I look over to see him staring at a breastfeeding poster. Seriously, it's breastfeeding. The door swings open, thank goodness, and we're told that the medicine that I've been on is working, but I'm still not pregnant. The doctor gives a pointed stare to Rob and says, "We need to begin to consider that maybe you aren't the only holdup here, Emma." It's like the floor has opened up under me. Why haven't I thought of this? Everyone in his family looks at me like I have a disease and it may not even be me?!?! "Of course we can look into this. What do we need to do?" I ask the doctor so fast. "Well, we will need a sample from you, Rob," says the doctor. "Would that be possible?" "Of course it would. It's been a couple days since we've had s*x," I inform him. Rob immediately turns red and says, "Umm, actually we will need to wait a couple of days. I took care of that earlier while you were in the shower." Seriously, I was naked and in the shower and I'm still not enough for him... Today... "I just don't understand why you want a divorce, Emma." "I don't understand why you think I'd want to stay any longer with you, Rob." It's been seven years of lies, disappointment, and awful s*x. I know that s*x doesn't make a good marriage, but trust does, and I don't have any trust for him. Look, I don’t care if you watch porn, but it’s a problem when you choose it over your spouse and then you lie to them about it. When porn becomes your mistress, you may as well be cheating. “Rob, we’ve split up four times in our marriage. Each time, you tell me I’m spiteful and I argue too much. I tell you that you choose porn over me and that you lie about it. You promise to change, but then you don’t. I catch you in a lie, I get pissed, then I fuss. It’s a never ending cycle, but I’m getting off. I refuse to continue this.” I just cannot handle this. When we found out that we couldn’t have kids, he refused to tell his family that it had anything to do with him. He blamed it all on me. He has continued to watch porn and we are intimate less than once a week. I think I fell out of love with him slowly but I realized it all at once. “I’m going to get an apartment in the next town. Then you won’t see me every single day. It will take me a week or so to do this, so I’ll just sleep on the couch until then. Please don’t be an ass about this.” I can see in his face that he knows I’m serious. I’ve always kicked him out but this time it’s different. “You can’t leave me, Emma. I’ll never let you. You can’t make it on your own,” he practically roars at me. He knows this is my fear. I’m terrified of not being enough and it’s his damn fault. “You can have everything, Rob. The house, the furniture, everything, but you cannot have me. I’m done.” With that I packed an overnight bag and went to my friend Court’s house.