Changed

One

"Excuse me? Ma'am, may I take your order?" I snapped out of my day dream as the waiter looked at me with a plastered smile. I guess she wants to get on with her day by the look on her face as she got my attention. I scrambled to get the menu and spotted the drinks. "Need a minute?" she asked. "Uhh, no no! Could I please have a Latte?" she smiles, and nods as she walks off. Its busy around me today, and my mind is on a go slow this morning. The time I took off over the holidays has done nothing for my so called 'I am so ready for the new year' mentality I had going into the holidays. All I did during that time was binge and eat. I even went as far as drinking soda straight from the bottle, I had no shame. Where I live the Christmas Holidays are bathed in sun and warm weather, everywhere people are getting their shopping done in shorts and flops. Sun. Smiles. and a whole lot of spending. Who ever thought Sun and Christmas could mix. I always envied people in movies walking through the snow at Christmas and buying a snow globe as a gift. Where I had Christmas is where they melt the glass to make those globes! As I was about to drift off again my Latte came, I grabbed at it as if my life depended on it. The warmth of the cup seeping through my cold hands. "Anything else I can get for you?" I could feel my cheeks starting to burn. "No, no thank you!" I almost shouted. The waitress just grinned and left. I think she felt as awkward as I did with our little interaction. With my one leg bouncing uncontrollably under the table and my hands getting accustomed to some warmth I took my first sip feeling the warmth going down as I swallowed. I needed this! The kettle in my so called furnished dwelling isn't working and the contract states if appliances are broken or not working its the duty of the tennant to replace it. It said nothing of what you should do if it came to me broken. Nonetheless, a coffee shop on the sidewalk just below made it a bit more bearable, just until I scrape the guts together to ask my agents about it. I came from a small town where there's not many people, and being homeschooled I rarely interacted with anyone but my family. My brother was my best friend, my Mom my world, and my Dad, well he was my Dad. I loved my small family we were our own kind of adventure, but when the time came for me to put on big girl panties, I panicked - on the inside. My family wasn't good on emotions, thus no emotions were shown externally it was internalized. Here I sit in a quaint little coffee shop holding onto a cup of warmth and hoping my red cheeks and faded tan don't give me away. I was panicking and happy to be here at the same time. I am going to College or 'University' as people call it here.

I applied online, got my acceptance letter, to my family's surprise a 10 hour flight away from them. I left with a brave face that immediately crumbled the moment they were no longer in sight. I was broken when I saw my mom's face. My brother smiling at me, a smile that never reached his eyes. As I waived I could see my mom's tears, my brother just put his hand on her shoulder. In that moment I almost felt like I disappointed her, the guilt that wrapped around me, the heartbreak of having to leave them behind was what rolled through my mind constantly. I knew I had to go. I needed to go. Besides its just 5 years and then I can go home again. I told them I'll visit every year, I will bring gifts and have Christmas with them. I decided to study medicine at Queen Mary University of London. I was really ready to come here until reality hit me, but here I am and I have no other choice, I have to do this. Its about 4 weeks till semester starts and I have all my books and stationary. I went to the Uni to ask for my class schedule but the lady said I'll receive my welcome package as soon as my first day starts and it is all in there. Needless to say I am in the dark and panic is what I do really well, had I known this I wouldn't have given myself 4 weeks to be here to get ready. I would have still been home with my family becoming one with the couch a bit longer. When I Looked down I realized my cup was cold and empty, I could feel the cold burning my hands as I let go and almost fling the cup across the table. The older lady at a table next to mine gave me a puzzled look and resumed her conversation with the gentleman infront of her. I was really out of place and I felt it.

Later that day I walked up the stairs to my flat and I could feel my lungs struggle. I am no smoker but I felt like one as the cold air burned my lungs with each breath I took. Each stair I climbed burned my lungs and my muscles. I am not skinny, but not overweight either but these stairs made me feel overweight and unfit! Out of breath I stomped into the flat and threw my keys on the table and plonked on the bed face first. Looking at my suitcase that is still filled with clothes, toiletries, keepsakes and loads of things I didn't really need that are now in perfect chaos because I didn't unpack I just groaned. I felt the dread of loneliness seeping through me as my tears were starting to sting and my throat tightened. 'I can do this' I thought to myself.

That night I decided to go to the first bar I can find that didn't look too suspect and buy myself an overpriced drink just to see what the people are all about. I walked on the cobbled sidewalk with cars driving past, I zoned in on the sound my boots made on the cobble stones. It really helps to just easy my mind and to keep me going. My brain was saying we are going out and my body was saying 'bed please!'. I found a quaint little spot and opened the door with a screech, in that moment the people closest to the door all went silent and stared at me. 'Great!' I thought to myself, now everyone is awake and aware of my existence. To my surprise they looked away instantly and carried on laughing and talking. Relieved, I walked to the bar counter and leaned on it as if I knew what I was doing, it took the barman at least 5 min to get to me and he was spinning. The bar was busy with music playing loud, people trying to talk over the music and each other, laughter everywhere and might I just say the men here are so handsome! I found myself looking the the barman - strong built, muscular forearms with a short haircut that accentuated his very handsome jawline. I found myself gawking as he came closer and asked " Wh't can I get you?" I think I just stared when his one brow lifted and I just spewed the first word that came to mind "Y-you" He smiled and shook his head. "That's not on the menu miss." I could feel the dread creeping up in my stomach. Was I going to throw up? 'Get it together!' I yelled at myself in my head. "Sorry, a Vodka Sprite please?" I sounded like a tool asking. He gave me another glorious smile and grabbed a glass. He handed me the drink and the card machine I tapped my watch and turned around so fast I almost lost my drink bumping into a woman. "Oopsie!! I'm sorry! Are you alright?" she said in a high pitch over the blaring music. She was dressed to impress! Mini skirt, low rise top and killer boots with hair that could put a shampoo add model to shame. She was beautiful! "Girl?? Are you alright?" I Blinked fast as I look at her. "Yes I'm good, i didn't see you there, I am so clumsy." she smiles and takes my arm leading me to the back of the room where it's a bit quieter. "Hi, I am Jessica, but my friends call me Jess, are you okay? You seem a bit nervous." I could feel my nails digging into my arm as I stood there like a lost puppy looking at her. "Hi Jessica, nice to meet you. " was all I could manage "Call me Jess, what brings you here? Are you new? I haven't seen you around before!" She looks at me with anticipation while I just stand there probably looking shocked. "J-jess, Hi, I'm Hannah."