Flames and Feathers Book 1

A New Beginning and A GoodBye

I still had scars from what had happened that day, circles, four of them, and a huge white deep scratch that ran down my arm, now just a scar but made me apprehensive never the less. Whatever had happened I'd blocked out the entire thing, maybe too traumatic perhaps? When bad things happen, sometimes, your brain locks it away until your mentality can handle things again.

Back to Reality

I wiped the tears that had found their way down my face, shoved on a clean pair of pink cotton socks, and pushed my feet into my faded brown cowboy boots. I can't let the sadness take over, I need to keep moving.

I rolled up my sleeping bag and zipped up my red hooded jacket. Where was I today? It was dark when I parked here last night. I originally planned to keep on driving down the road but the water was distracting me, call me to it's pacifying pull.

When I started losing focus on the white and yellow lines of the road, I knew I 'd better consider pulling over, giving in the seductive waters of the oceans wavs.

Instead of the asphalt being a straight forward line, it was starting to wiggle back and forth. The white dashes turned into one.

That was my cue to take a break and go to where the dark gray waters called to me. I could see the moonlight cast a beautiful dark blue glow over the white caped peaks as they crashed on the shore. The waves moving in perpetual motion, tumbling over itself in constant motion, never slowing down always moving, it was hypnotizing.

It was beautiful, I never got tired of loosing myself in it's magical pull. The way the light reflected off the moon was magnificent, it was almost haunting to look at.

The sound of the waves rolling and hit the shore, was white noise to my ears. It was so soothing, I couldn't help but lay back against my folded arms, I listened to the crashing peaks as they hit the sandy beach, I soon dosed off to sleep, lost in my needed sleep, dreams hitting me before long.

This was one of the first time in months the nightmares never came. Most days they always did … unless I was near water. I don’t know what it was about water that kept my emotions at bay. The water gave off a calming effect I suppose, it helped to suppress the ever whelming need for release.

My fear, I suppose, most bad dreams started all the same way.

I would be sleeping soundly in my bed an adult but then wake looking down on myself as a sleeping child, always a child, a strange alarming noise seemed to always jar me awake, in my dream

Sometimes it seemed so real it was hard to distinguish what was reality and what was just plainly a damn nightmare.

My mom’s beautiful eyes were the darkest blue I’ve ever seen, just beyond the reach of the clouds above, she was calling to me. I could never quite get to her but she was always just beyond my reach. If I could only sprout wings, I could fly my way up to her.

As if my prayers were answered I would start floating above the trees, my legs dangling helplessly as if some unknown force was pulling me forward, upward.

As soon as I thought I could almost feel my mother’s fingertips around mine, I start falling to my death. The air stung my eyes, my dark blond hair slapped me in the face, hitting me like sharp spiked whips against my back.

An unknown force seemed to be pulling me downward from the heavens, arms, my mothers, seemly pulling me down, further and further.

A dark abyss would surround me, but I wasn't falling anymore, more like floating,

like I was empty shell, my soul searching for warmth, for the light.

In my own silent hell, I searched for sound, for any spark of light, for hope.

Then the whispers would start, deep inside in my thoughts. I could never really hear what they were all saying. They were so muffled, I would have strain, everything in my being, trying so hard to hear with all my senses but nothing worked, suspended in darkness. Nothing made sense, only my mothers voice in my head, her voice keep me from loosing my sanity.

" Baby, it's not too hot here, stay and I will cool your heart, make all pain cease to exist. We can be together again always." Her voice was beautiful even, playful at times, and then it would turn harsh, cruel even. Most times, I couldn't hear anything nut a sharp piercing high pitched toned, it made me feeling numb, deaf.

. The voices, that were not my moms, were sluggish, deceitful, and heinously wicked.

Trying to cover my ears I would had if I'd only knew I had hands, in the pitch black nothingness, you were only a perception of your former self. No body, no physical self, just in a black hole of nothingness, here but not really existing.

At times, the " whispers," would simply screech my name, over and over. If my mind could explode, it did over a hundred times over, if my ears could bleed, they bled tears.

"Give in!" my mother's voice would plead! " Let them take you, your pain will end and you will be with me forever more."

Humming my favorite country song, I would try to shut her out of my head, at least to a point of only a whisper. I would never give in to the "whispers," Never, or I would die trying.

I tried to move my arms, my leg's anything to feel something but the darkest was so absolute, I wasn't sure I ever had a body. The creatures from inside my personal void, would rattle off horrible riddles, indecent stories, brutality, and then the singing would begin.

" Stay you will, Leave, you will never!" They chanted this over and over, teeth sounds clanking and nails clawing at sharp surfaces, it would go on for hours.

I can't even honestly say, I had any sanity left in me, by the time hours and hours had gone by. It could have been weeks or months and this point. Time doesn't exist in the void of nothingness.

All I could do at this point was pray! Pray like I'd never prayed before.

Dear lord,

Please, make the noises to stop, I did not deserve this numbness, the darkness, or the pain! What did I ever do to deserve, this nightmare, this torture ? I prayed over and over trying to block out all the scratching, the screeching, the tears.

I was a good person, I know, at times,

I wasn't the most spiritual, but I did believe in god, loved Jesus, oh God, good Lord please, make it stop.

Please help me lord, let this be over, I can’t do this anymore Jesus, please help me. Mama, daddy, anyone!!!

I pleaded, sobbing, if could cry I would be bawling like a two year old about now. Who knows, I might already be.

My eyes stung, my skin was crawling, and everything hurt.

It would feel like this for hours, as I was suspended in this blackness, trying shut out the voices. It even got to the point when I would scream at the "voices", but no words ever came out, none that I could hear. I don't even know if I even had lips to mouth the words, any longer.

Anything to pass the time..... Time, what was time anymore ? Losing all hope, as I was about to loose myself in the tight hold of the "Black Abyss, I let myself slowly give in to the darkness, the sadness, the pain. Loosing what was left of my consciousness, everything around me engulfed me, mother's hands so close, I could feel her fingertips against mine, pulling me down, but then out of the darkness, a spark of light, as if finally my prayers are answered. The "whispers" screamed, mother cried and then my thoughts searched for the musical voice, that now spoke to me.

In my thoughts, a gentle soft masculine voice enters my mind. He calms me completely and a peaceful radiance surrounding my whole being. His voice is so beautiful, almost musical and methodical, deep and bewitching.

It is a voice I could listen to the rest of my life or even die, knowing I got to hear it, just once.

As my thoughts were filled with hope and joy, I swear I could feel my whole body, my spirit being lifted, floating back up into myself. The darkness, had no hold on me anymore! I was like a cloud, floating, being lifted to the sky.

The voice, reassures me that I will be okay. I could feel his warm breath against my ear but no sound, he was talking to me, but through me. A flash of light at end of the darkness, starts to spread out before me. Warmth and peace flowing through me, as he assures me, in the calmest sweetest voice possible that he would never let me go and would always be there for me, always.

His voice would stay in my head for days, after “the dream”. Always on my mind, never to forget, he was my guardian, my savior from the personal hell that trapped me, shackled me.

“I’m here for you, now and always. Nothing and no one will ever harm you, trust me on that, my lovely Emma.” Said the sweet voice.

As I awake, I feel a familiar lingering warmth against my cheek, just the slightest fluttery feeling, that of a kiss. I don’t know if it was just my imagination, or maybe I was still dreaming but I know what it felt like.

I'm usually covered in sweat, my cheeks are red and my eyes puffy, like I’d been crying for hours. Sometimes, I would wake in tons bruises, which would appear out of nowhere. I could only assume, I was thrashing in my sleep, tossing and turning, maybe even kicking. I could have easily hit the wall or the headboard the bed I used to sleep, all I had now was the back of my jeep bed.

The dreams felt so real to me and they haunted me every day of my life.

My mom’s voice, always in the back of my mind, “Emma baby, run keep moving, don’t ever look back.”

So that's what I keep doing, if I keep moving, the dreams can't get me, whoever, whatever they are, they will have to hunt me to the ends of the earth and I'm going to make it very challenging for them.

Picking up my grey goose down blanket off the sandy ground, I dusted it off, folded it, and tossed it in the back of my jeep.

I drove down the coast of Washington state, every now and again the trees would part and the ocean would play peek a boo between the thick blanket of branches.

It beckoned me to return to its sandy beaches and smell it's salty air, so tempting.

Detestation unknown, I’m letting my mind lead me to where I'm supposed to go. Just got to keep my hands on the steering wheel and keep it moving forward.

A soft country love song played as I watch the road ahead.

Driving what seemed like hours, I finally spotted a sign saying leaving Washington.

Oregon here I come, where I stop nobody knows, I don’t even know.

It was about eleven o’clock at night before I ended up taking the turn off to the little mountaintop town of, " Two Elk's Pine".

Tonight, I would get to sleep in a real bed with warm blankets and get to take a hot shower. The hot water spilling over me, oooh man, I could almost, taste it.

I hadn’t had a warm shower in over a week. I bathed everyday but it was generally ice cold and out of a water spicket at a camp site bathroom.

I also really needed something to eat that didn't come out of a wrapper and a real toilet to use wouldn't hurt either.