Katy's Journal

Hot tears streamed down my face, I'm perplexed and dumbfounded by all the slow motion. No.Hell no. This had to be a dream, it had to be. The man I grew up with, the man who raised me and gave me everything I needed to survive....He was gone, gone forever. The grief I felt was incalculable. I watched him being rolled into an ambulance by the paramedics and all of a sudden the things that mattered me to me didn't matter anymore. I suddenly felt like I was the only person in the world, my heart beat racing that I had lost a loved one, I had lost my dad to the world. I had f*****g lost my dad. I now understood what was meant by 'we understand death only after it has placed it's hand on someone we love' My body started trembling, it trembled so hard my best friend, Daniel had to hold me body close to his. "It's okay, s**t happens," he whispered into my ears, but it really wasn't okay, nothing was okay. I felt like a total wreck, like the world had opened it's arms to me and slapped me in my face. Fear gripped me, I couldn't decipher why but it did grip me. I looked around, my mom had a similar reaction to mine, people surrounded her but inner monotony couldn't be fixed by the outer entities, I knew because I felt it. I didn't understand any part of it, he was a perfectly healthy man, with a happy family, how could the world be so cruel? Today when he was having a cheerful family dinner with his family, he just dropped to the floor, death like as if he had no importance or value. Why does that kind of s**t happen? Memories of me and my dad flashed through my mind, now all those happy memories had turned to sad ones. I was. As my mind ingresses into the deep melancholic state, I know one thing is sure...The pain I felt that moment was going to bruise me and leave a permanent, internal scar forever. *Two months Later Nope, the pain was still fresh, it never made an advancement to heal and I don't think it is ever going to heal. I couldn't even go to his burial, I couldn't handle it, seeing his face without a smile was worse than hell, The moment I saw him breathless, lifeless, someone in me left, something he took with him, Joy .My uncle came over to live with us, it irked me that he tried to play the role of my father. No one could ever take his place, not even his brother. My best friend Derrick, was with me all along, through everything but even he gave up on trying to build a smile on my face, who could blame him? I was sick of me, myself, it pained me even more that I was moving away from my best friend, yeah, I was going to a city sized estate in Florida, Greendale, reason being my uncle, after my dad's will said that his brother would take over his financial properties and inheritance, I fled with my mom and my brother to start a new life in the foreign environment. I can't believe my dad gave all his inheritance to my uncle instead of his family but I can't blame him he was as unprepared for death as we were for his death, death is a man who came knocking on your door and before you tell him to come in he's already in your house with you. Settling in Greendale without my dad created a steady but gradually escalating sense of premonition that everything here was going to be hell, possibly worse than hell in fact. ugh someone get me out of this f*****g Dark side.