Walk in the rain with me

Freens POV I am back in my country after 2 years. Being away from home and mother was not easy thing to go through. But I had to. It’s always been only me and my mother. Father left us when I couldn’t even understand the meaning of separation. First I used to think, he will be back after his work like he used to. But after it felt like eternity, mom finally told me that they are not together anymore. Which was not very hard for my 5-year-old self to understand. I cried for 2 days and that was IT. I started to grew up with seeing moms struggle to keep food on our plates. It hit me like bricks, not only he left us but he ran away from his responsibilities too. Something that was not expected from a husband and a father. The situation didn’t last long as grandpa came to know about us. He didn’t approve mom and dad’s relationship because he knew my father only cares about one thing. And that’s money. Everything else is nothing to him. Mom realized her mistake but couldn’t go back to grandpa for help. The guilt for going against him; damaging his reputation was too much. Grandpa is highly respected man in our society. He is a wonderful man in himself. As what they say “Blood is thicker than water”. So he forget everything the moment he knew about our poor condition and immediately took away with him. I was angry at my father for so long. As years passing by it turned into hate and disgust. I felt so disappointed in him. Fathers are THE HEROES for daughters, and he used to be mine at one time. But I couldn’t see that him in anymore. Mom also noticed my change in behavior when I refused the idea of inviting him for my annual days at school. She knew nothing could change my mind about it, maybe that’s why she didn’t pushed me to it. Mom told me that she wanted our relationship to be like another father and daughter, but it couldn’t happen. She wanted a father figure in my life. His second marriage was not surprise though. He found a rich woman just after leaving us. He got busy with is new found family, and the space between us got wider. Not that I feel bad about it, I never did. I don’t know why? Mom was there. For everything. All my failures and my winnings. Even though she started to help my grandpa in business she never once ignored her duties towards me. To support and encourage my little soul; she was always there. Mom taught me the things that neither any teacher nor any books could teach me. Keeping faith in ourselves at hard times is the most valuable lesson I learnt from her. Growing up I saw she is a phenomenal woman. Everything I could ask in a role model. Responsible, independent, brave, clever and the list goes on. I saw her living up to her own values. She never gave up. The disappointments which was in my heart towards my father was slowly started to be replaced by proudness for my mother. The hero that I was looking in my father was right in front of me. MY MOM. Her undying and unconditional love and support is another main reason for where I am right now. She understood. Even when I told her I wanna choose art as my passion or when I told her I am gay. After coming out nothing changed; my family and friends were there to support. My friends, well they are another story for another time. Right now I am driving my baby towards my new art gallery. My car is my baby. No judging. I have worked hard day and night to establish this, now it is all across the world. The reason I left for such a long time was I needed time for myself. I know it sounds pathetic but the change was necessary. It helped me to deal with my issues. I couldn’t focus on work, and the person in me who knew the importance of success could not let that happen. So just to free my mind from those things I travelled. Now that I think of it the break up with my only boyfriend was one of the reasons too. Flashback ? I am sitting in the usual café that we always meet. Right in the last corner besides window. I prefer this seat; the outside look is nice from here. Waiting for him to arrive as I am looking at the food in my plate. I haven’t touched it. It looks delicious but I am so nervous. I could hear my heart beating in my ears. Hands were getting sweaty so rubbed them on my jeans. Every passing moment was increasing my heart rate. Thinking about us; we are dating for a year now. He is a very nice guy. Mom loves him too. The important thing is that he is understanding. That’s why I could built up the courage to tell him today. I loved him when we met. But as time passed I realized we can just be friends. I cannot lie to myself anymore. I need to do this, for him and for myself too. My train of thoughts broke when I saw call from my friends. It put a little smile on my face. I received the call knowing it’s about Nam again. I haven’t told them anything yet. “Where are you Freen? When you know that your best friend is going through a breakup and she needs pampering you should be here with me.” just what I told you. “It’s your 3rd breakup Nam.” Tee shouldn’t make that point now. “So? My poor heart is broken. And you don’t even care? What kind of friends are you guys?” Nam started crying again. “We are your best friends who knows you from high school. And we care, that’s why we left our meetings and talking to you. By the way 3 breakups in 6 months. How do you even manage to do that? I don’t understand.” Tee is making her cry more with her points. “Not the time Tee. And you Nam, we will be there I an hour don’t worry. I am going to bring some food and drinks.” Just as expected from Kade. “Please bring ice cream too I am craving for that. And don’t buy that brand from last time, it was yuk.” Woo Nam. How can anyone be serious after this? “Wasn’t she crying?” “Guys I am gay.” They stopped. After hearing this. Only silence is there. “Guys.” Did I say it at wrong timing? Are they going to hate me? “Yeah, Freen we heard that. And it’s good that you finally told us yourself. Or I was going to out you.” What? “What? How do you?...” “Come on Freen. Your idols are female. You are obsessed with Annie Hathway You hate all the boys except if they are gay. You love Healey Kiyoko’s music. She is our gay goddess.” “But I thought………” I couldn’t form words; I was tearing up with happiness.. “What? That we will be disappointed? Come on buddy, I am bi. Noye and Baitoy are gay too. And you think we will hate you.” They hum and I can feel like a little wait is lifted form my chest. “Are you going to tell him?” Noye is serious this time. “Yes. I think that’s only fair with him. I don’t want to keep him in darkness anymore.” He entered the café with a smile. “Ok guys I need to go, he is here. And Nam we are here for you. I will come as soon as possible.” “Thanks Freen and all the best to you, he will understand I know. I love you.” “Yes all the best Freen go for it. Love you.” “Love you Freen, all the best.” “Thanks guys love you too.” I hang up the call and wiped my tears which I didn knew were falling till he gave me tissue. Looking at his smiling face; I don’t know how to start a conversation. I am rethinking about my decision now. “Sorry I was talking with my friends. Are you hungry? We should order something. The spicy food is so good today, I will order it for you” A sigh that’s what I heard in response. He shook his head. And took my hands in his. “Are you ok Freen? I can see you are sad about something. Please don’t try to hide it from me. You can share it with me. I promise whatever it is, it’s going to be okey.” How could I do this to him? “I am not hiding it. Let’s get you something first. I will tell you everything.” I am looking for waiter to order as he stopped me. “Stop, don’t change the topic Freen. I can see its important. Will you listen to me once? Didn’t we decided to tell each other everything? Is it something about me? Did I do something wrong?is there something wrong your home?” I can feel my breathings is getting heavier. “Ok. I-I-I have been trying to tell you this for so long, trying to figure out how to say this. I tried to talk myself out of it. But it’s hurting me more. I can’t let you be in the dark anymore. I tried hide from Or the truth but I think I need to face it now. I-I-I am gay.” It was like the world stopped for both of us. We sat there for 15 min crying to ourselves. I didn’t know what was going thought his head. He had his hands on his face. I couldn’t see his tears but I knew they were flowing. With every passing second I was getting buried in the regret. “Wait a min. I am trying to understand. Are you serious right now? What was going between us then? We are together for a year now. And…..” He stooped after that, harshly wiping his tears. He leaned back on his chair and looked out of the window. After it felt like eternity, he looked me in the eyes. Probably looking for the truth. But his face changed like it was clear as day. I knew my eyes weren’t lying. He was crying without any care in the world. He didn’t bother to wiped his tears and took my hands in his again. “I am sorry I didn’t mean to sound like that. I just need to process everything. I don’t mean to…………..but are you sure?” “Yes.” He is trying to be calm. Holding back too many emotions. Trying to find words that will hurt me less. We are looking at our hands. He is smiling a little. I was waiting what he was going to say. “I like you so much Freen. And I hope the best for you. I won’t say I am not hurt. God I feel like screaming. But I know I can’t do anything about it. And I don’t want to make you fill guilty about it. So even if I am sad right now I am happier for you. So promise me you won’t beat yourself up or feel any bad about it. Only few people in this world are able to find themselves Freen, and if you did; I want you to embrace it fully and happily.” After that my heart felt so light. I knew he will understand but him excepting everything this fast was surprising. He let go of my hands. But I am still looking at them. “I want nothing but you to be happy Freen. Its so sad that you won’t find it with me. But I hope you will find your person soon. All the best.” He stood up and stared to leave, after going two steps away from me he turned and kissed my temple like he always does. Why am I not stopping him? I wanted to say so many things. But I just couldn’t. I am looking at him as he is walking out of the door. He did stop and waved at me like always. I lost my love. But I found a friend for life time. Now I need to find myself. End of the flashback ? Right now when I think about it, I have done so many mistakes in my past and everyone was there to correct. I am blessed in that department. The break up was hurtful but I am in love with myself more now. Self-love is something that makes our life beautiful. I am happy that I came back as a new person. Now that I have excepted myself fully I don’t much care about other people’s opinions. My family and friend are happy so that’s what matters. We are still in contact, he found someone and I am happy for him. Genuinely happy. After 2 years so many things have changed in my work. There is meeting where I will meet my new client. I can feel this time it’s going to be good.