Memories Between Us

RYDER I saw it again. The same memory loop. My chest twisted so hard that I forgot how to breathe for a second, and when I finally tried to pull air into my lungs, nothing happened. My body simply refused to cooperate, which was fantastic. Apparently, watching someone else’s memories was now enough to send me into cardiac arrest. I squeezed my eyes shut, but it didn’t matter. The memory wasn’t mine, It never was because it belonged to Ivy. It came without warning, slamming into my head so violently that the bonfire, the music, and the drunk idiots celebrating our win disappeared in an instant. One second, I was standing outside the apartment with half the hockey team, trying to survive another one of Noah’s terrible playlists. The next, I was somewhere else. A bedroom. Jason’s bedroom. Of course it f*****g was. I stood there, unable to move, unable to look away, trapped inside Ivy’s memory as she walked toward his bed. Then she smiled at him, my stomach dropped so hard I felt like I was crashing down. It wasn’t one of those polite smiles Ivy gave people when she wanted them to leave her alone without actually telling them to f**k off. It wasn’t the fake smile she used around strangers either. It was real, warm and beautiful. The kind of smile that had made me feel like the luckiest bastard alive whenever she gave it to me. She climbed onto the bed and moved closer to him. Her hand touched his face, and before I could even process what I was seeing, she leaned forward and kissed him. She actually kissed him. I wanted to look away. I couldn’t watch bring myself to watch it. The memory held me there like I was tied to a f*****g chair, forced to watch the worst movie ever made. Jason laughed. Ivy laughed too. Then she wrapped her arms around him. The bedroom door closed behind them, and the rest of the memory became blurred and broken, but I didn’t need the f*****g director’s cut to understand what happened next. The damage had already been done. Then, just like that, the memory disappeared. . I opened my eyes and found myself back outside beside the bonfire. Music blasted from the speaker. Someone laughed loud enough to wake the dead. A few of my teammates were arguing about something stupid, probably who had scored the best goal tonight, and somewhere behind me, someone shouted my name. None of it reached me. My heart was pounding so hard that my chest hurt. “No,” I whispered, staring at the flames. “No. No, f**k that.” I wanted it to be fake. I wanted the memories to finally be wrong after months of tormenting us with moments from each other’s lives. But deep down, I already knew the truth. The memories never lied, no matter how much I wished they did. Not once. Ever since that strange day months ago, Ivy and I had been seeing flashes of each other’s lives. Random moments. Happy ones. Embarrassing ones. Painful ones that neither of us wanted the other person to see. We never controlled them, they simply happened and every single memory had been real. So this one was real too. I felt sick to my stomach. Jason. Out of every person on this goddamn campus, it had to be Jason. The same Jason who had spent the last two years trying to take my captain position. The same Jason who smiled in my face and acted like we were teammates while talking s**t about me behind my back. I hated that bastard so much. And Ivy… Why him? A hand landed heavily on my shoulder. “Captain.” I turned and found Noah staring at me. He frowned almost immediately. “Jesus Christ. You look like you’ve seen someone die.” “Close enough.” His expression changed. “What happened?” I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Because if I started talking, I knew exactly what would happen. I would say Jason’s name, then I would punch the first f*****g wall I saw. And after that, all hell will be loose, so instead of answering, I turned and walked away. “Ryder!” Noah called after me. I ignored him. “Where the hell are you going?” Somewhere before I did something stupid. Unfortunately, that answer came a little too late. Every step toward my apartment felt heavier than the last. The memory replayed itself over and over inside my head like my brain had decided I deserved a personal torture chamber. Her smile, his face, her laughter. The f*****g kiss. By the time I reached my apartment building, my hands were shaking so badly that I nearly dropped my keys. I pushed through the door and stepped inside, silence. The kind of silence that made everything in my head louder. My eyes landed on the locked drawer beside my bed. I froze. Don’t do it Ryder, just walk away and go back to the party, call Ivy instead. Do literally anything else but open that drawer. Instead, I walked toward it one step after the another. Before I could stop myself, I was standing beside the drawer with my keys in my hand. I unlocked it, my legal handgun was inside. I stared at it for several seconds, my breathing became uneven. “No,” I muttered. “I’m not doing this.” I didn’t even know who I was talking to, myself? God? The f*****g universe? I rubbed a hand over my face and laughed bitterly. “I just want answers.” That was all, answers. I want nothing else. I grabbed the gun. The cold metal settled into my hand, heavier than I remembered. For one moment, I stood there completely still, staring at what I was holding. Then I slammed the drawer shut and left. The cold night air hit my face the second I stepped outside, but it did absolutely nothing to calm the fire burning inside me. Students were still moving around campus. Some were heading back from parties while others were laughing with friends, completely unaware that my entire world had apparently decided to collapse tonight. A few people recognized me. “Hey, Captain!” I kept walking, then someone noticed what was in my hand. Their smile disappeared, I should have put it away. But I wasn’t thinking clearly anymore and that was becoming painfully f*****g obvious. Someone stepped aside. Another person stopped walking. A girl whispered something to her friend before pulling out her phone. I didn’t care, you know why? Because I had one destination in mind. Ivy. I found her near the student center with three of her friends. She was laughing. And for one stupid, painful second, seeing her made everything inside me stop. Her face lit up when she noticed me. “There you are,” she said, standing. “I’ve been looking—” Then she saw the gun and her smile disappeared. The color drained from her face so quickly that my stomach twisted. “Ryder.” Her voice was barely above a whisper. “What are you doing?” Her friends immediately stood. One of them moved in front of her while another took a step backward. “Call security,” someone whispered, I heard the words. I just didn’t react because all I cared about was getting the truth from Ivy even if I wanted it to be a lie so bad. “Ivy.” She stared at me. “Ryder, please put the gun down.” I should have. Instead, I stepped closer, I just needed answers and I know she would lie to me. “You slept with Jason.” Her eyes widened. “What?” “You heard me.” “No, Ryder—” “Don’t you f*****g dare.” My voice cracked, and I hated myself for it, I sounded pathetic. “Don’t f*****g lie to me.” Confusion flashed across her face. “What are you talking about Ryder? Please put the gun down, you are scaring everyone.” “I saw it.” The words came out before I could even process them. She stared at me like I was a lunatic. “Saw what?” “The memory.” Everything changed. The second I said it, every bit of color disappeared from her face because she understood. Her lips parted slightly. “Ryder…” “I saw everything Ivy.” Her friends exchanged confused looks. “What memory?” One of them asked but neither of us answered. I swallowed hard and stared directly at Ivy. “Tell me the truth.” She slowly shook her head. “It isn’t what you think.” “Did you sleep with him?” “No.” I stepped closer. She took a step back. “Ivy stop lying to me.” My heart was pounding louder than usual. “I’m not lying.” “Then why the hell did you look at him like that?” Her eyes filled with tears. “Because it happened before—” My entire body went cold. “So it did happen.” She reached toward me carefully like she knew that I was about to f*****g explode. “Ryder, please put the gun down.” “I trusted you Ivy.” “It wasn’t—” She tried to speak but I wasn’t interested in hearing more. “I loved you.” Her face crumbled as I spoke. “I still love you.” She said, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Don’t.” My voice came out harsher than I intended. “Don’t stand there and tell me you love me when I just watched you kiss Jason in his f*****g bed.” “Ryder, please listen to me.” “Listen to what? That I didn’t see what I saw?” My anger grew so much i felt like pulling the trigger. “No.” “Then what the hell am I supposed to believe?” Her tears were falling now, behind us someone shouted. “Drop the weapon!” Campus security. Of course. Everything suddenly became louder, everyone started screaming, people moved away from us. More footsteps pounded against the ground. “Ryder Hayes!” another voice shouted. “Put the weapon down and step away from her!” I barely heard them because my heartbeat was too loud, my whole world was already crashing down. Ivy slowly stepped closer. “Ryder please.” Her voice was soft, gentle. The same voice she used whenever she knew I was about to do something stupid. Which, in my defense, was becoming an increasingly common problem. “It can still be okay.” “I’m trying.” “You are.” She slowly reached for the gun. “You don’t want this.” “I don’t.” “Then let me help.” Her eyes became softer like she was pleading, begging me not to make the biggest mistake I’ll ever make. Her fingers touched my wrist, yelled. “Don’t move!” Another voice screamed. “He’s going to shoot!” Everything happened at once, someone bumped into me from behind. My balance shifted, my finger jerked. Bang! Just like that, the sound exploded across the campus. Birds flew into the night sky. Everyone froze. My ears rang so loud I thought they might burst. For one terrifying second… The whole world stopped, I stared ahead in horror. The gun was still smoking in my trembling hand. At that moment, I realized that I just made the biggest mistake of my entire life.