Beyond Goodbye

Inner Voice

Maya had picked up her favorite snacks from the store on her way home. She greeted her mother, who acknowledged her with a nod without looking at her. She never gave her a look to see how her daughter looked. Happy or tired, it didn’t matter. And today Maya was glad she didn’t look. She was sure she would burst out crying from all the sadness, excitement, and happiness, blended together, bursting from her chest.

“Mom, I'll go upstairs to freshen up and come down for dinner.”

That is when her mother looked at Maya as she turned back to climb the stairs. Her daughter never went to freshen up and came down for dinner. She always wanted to eat as fast as she could in her daily clothes, no matter how dirty they were, and leave the kitchen table.

Her mother shrugged. She had not seen Mark leave her at the gate today.

Maya came down for dinner.

“Why was Mark not with you today? You could have told me to come pick you up. It's not that safe, you know. Even though the town is quaint and nice, there are always bad apples here and there.”

“I know mom, I'm sorry. I was too tired to think, and I stuck to the road. The only place I stopped by was the store to get some snacks. I'll call you next time if I'm alone.”

Her mother hummed in response and smiled. Maya was glad she didn’t ask about Mark after that. She didn’t feel like talking about him, she missed him so much. She silently ate her dinner. It was delicious as always and she sighed in satisfaction. She helped around the house with random chores and then went upstairs to lay down and wait for Jared to text her.

The whole evening had passed without the mother or daughter uttering a single word to each other, and that’s how it always was. So sad they didn’t have anything to say to each other, when they could say so much if they only tried. Or if only her mother tried. Maya had tried many times; it was like talking to a wall and made her feel worthless. The worst feeling came when she shared something exciting or some of her thoughts or feelings, and her mother would mock her for that a week later.

She always told her how and what to feel. The only thing her mother approved in her life was Mark. Nothing else. It made her proud of her friend. It just showed her how perfect of a friend he really was. She needed to stop thinking about Mark so much, it was making her melancholy.

“It has been only one day, stop making it seem like its been years since you spoke to him.”

Maya scolded herself in her head. That’s how she spoke to herself. Instead of acknowledging her feelings and letting herself sit with them and manage them, she shamed and snubbed herself. That’s what she had learned from her mother. Her inner voice was just as criticizing and demeaning, after all, it was mirroring how her mother had talked to her all her life. Maya treated herself exactly the way her mother treated her.

She mocked herself when she swooned over Jared.

“Oh come-on, stop acting like he is your boyfriend or something. It's not like you are his type anyway. Don’t be surprised when he gets another mate on this 21st birthday.”

Fear clawed at her heart again. His birthday was drawing nearer. What if she got close to him and then he left her for another girl? But she had also heard from her friends how a guy starts to get close to their chosen mate even before their birthday without them knowing about it. Maybe it’s a sign for her?

She hoped that would be true. She was determined to impress Jared so he wouldn’t reject her when the time came. He is 20 years old right now, while she was 17. Mark, on the other hand, was 18 years old.

She went upstairs to change into her pajamas. Sitting on her bed, she looked out the window at the darkening sky. She could see flashes of light that were signaling rainy weather ahead. She liked that. She felt her phone vibrate and she quickly opened it to see if it was Jared. It was Mark. She felt relieved and quickly opened up her phone to see what he was saying.

He wanted to spend the evening with her. He said he was just feeling down and wanted some company. She felt torn now. She had looked forward to spending the evening with Jared and his favorite book, but she couldn’t turn down Mark. He needed her, he had never let her down ever. Jared was her new friend, but they had hardly talked yet.

She dropped Jared a message saying she would be a little late and quickly put on her jacket and boots just in case it started raining. She told Mark she would come out right away and was surprised when he said he was already out at her front gate. She realized how much he trusted her to be there for her. He hadn’t questioned it once that she could be busy or doing something more important. That right there was proof for her that she had been a great friend so far.

Instead she felt guilty. Instead of feeling happy about seeing the proof of her reliability and support as a friend, she felt guilty for wanting to spend time with Jared when Mark wanted her company. There was no one to tell her it was normal for her to want something for herself once in a while too. It didn’t make her a bad friend. It just made her human.

She ran outside after telling her mother where she would be for a couple of hours. She hugged Mark happily and told him how much she had missed him. He smiled at her.

“Hey, are you okay? Do you want to talk about anything? I'm here to listen. I hope I haven’t done anything to upset you. Have I?”

Maya blabbered and Mark just laughed and shushed her.

“Oh no Maya, what could you ever do to me? You are always so kind and take care of me in every way. Don’t worry, I just had a lot on my mind and wanted a little time to myself.”

“So I didn’t say anything that might have upset you? I sometimes say things without thinking and can be so careless.”

“Maya, you are never careless. That’s the problem with you. You are so careful about what you say that you rarely get to be your genuine self. Stop watching your back all the time and loosen up.”

Maya could see the conversation steering towards her now and she didn’t want to h****k Mark’s issues.

“Oh stop it, we can talk about me later. We are here for you right now. Would you care to share anything that’s on your mind so I can be of service?”

“Maya, you don’t need to be of any service. Just spend some time with me so we can have fun and that will make me feel better.”

“Okay…”

Maya was still worried, but as time passed Mark began to smile and laugh more openly and he seemed to feel better. They had fun sitting up in the trees again, and it started to rain lightly.

“Hey, did you give Damon my number?”

“Oh yeah I did. Why did he need it? He asked for yours and mine but he hasn’t texted me.”

“He is such a decent guy. He just asked how I was. He said he hadn’t seen me around lately, and he wanted to ask if I could keep his kitten while he went away for a few days somewhere.”

“Kitten? Damon has a kitten? But does he know you have two of your own too? How does he know you were the best person to ask to babysit his pet?”

“We talked a few times before. I've seen his kitten. In fact, he was rescuing her from some dogs when I ran into him. I told him if he ever needed help with the kitten he could always call on me.”

“Oh okay. He is annoying though.”

“Maya stop it. He isn’t annoying, don’t get on his case all the time. It gets irritating.”

“Why are you defending him so much?”

“I just don’t like when people pass judgements without knowing any better.”

“Then you need to stop passing judgements on Jared too. You don’t know him either.”

“Neither do you.”

“Yes, I do know him.”

Maya wanted to spill all the details to Mark. How the past week had been so exciting, from the smiles to the book recommendation, and Jared asking for her number. But something stopped her. Mark would not be pleased at all. He didn’t like the guy, and Maya didn’t want to spoil his mood again by talking about herself.

They spent the evening happily up in the trees, laughing and talking about everything they possibly could. The rain was just a light drizzle and it felt good as both were wearing jackets. The sky started getting darker and it was time to go home. It was going to rain heavily and they didn’t want to be caught outside in the middle of a thunderstorm.

They climbed down and walked back home. As Mark left her by her gate she called out to him.

“When Damon leaves his kitten at your place, I want to meet the little thing!”

Mark smiled.

“Of course, I'll let you know when the tiny guest arrives.”