MiRanDumbIsh Journey

BACKSTORY part1

BACKSTORY

They say you shouldn't meet your heros. They say the people you create in your head are not the people they are in real life. It's true. It's the absolute truth. The person you look up to is not the person who they truly are. This is simply a persona they have elaborately created in order to mask they're true intent. Once that mask is removed, once the veil drops, you're left with the ugly, cold-hearted truth.

.

Growing up I had siblings seven and ten years older than me so you can say i was basically an only child. I spent a substantial amount of time with my Gma and/or alone for the most part. Nobody will ever admit this but it's the truth. People would love to paint the picture of a prefect family but that was far from the truth. I was the loner kid off the muscle. I was the baby nobody wanted to take with them but was forced to because everybody else was too busy. The only people who seemingly generally enjoyed my company was my grandparents on my daddy side. The same place I was trying to restore after other people allowed it to rot.

.

Grandpa Buddy died when I was just a kid. Fifth grade to be exact and life without him felt off. Life without him felt bad. It generally upset me deeply. It was the first time anyone noticed that I was actually hurting. Instead of talking to me themselves, I was offered therapy as a solution and for the first time of many, I declined.

.

I put my head in a book, picked up a ball, dug a hole, destroyed something, etc. Anything I needed to do to keep myself distracted I did it. I was a very troubled child is what I heard so I started to believe it. The first people to plant the seed of me being an evil unwanted pest were my siblings yet they were the people who I aspired to become. Clearly I've always been f****d up in the head. Why would I want to be like the people who made me feel as though I was nothing, who made me feel as though I didnt matter and that I should have never been born to begin with. I rememeber wondering if I were a boy would it be different. Now I see, that never mattered; it was never about my s*x, it was always about me. I ruined the perfect duo by simply existing. Or... at least, that's how i felt.

.