Earthly Concerns

Chapter 2: Nothing New

Chapter 2: Nothing New

I had seen him go into the restaurant and wanted him immediately, badly, and I hated myself for it. He wasn’t attainable. He wasn’t capable of the connection I needed from him and yet seeing him walk into that ugly pit of a Thai restaurant made me want him so badly that my heart had begun to beat against my chest like a native drum. I took several deep breaths before I got out of my car and followed him. When I entered, he saw and waved at me. I thought I could see a smile form on his lips as I went over and sat down.

“Tell me everything,” I said, trying to avoid looking into his eyes.

“You look good, all hot, and cute,” he said, trying to maintain his smile, but the weight of his sadness was too intense. Instead, he managed a pained grimace.

“Thanks,” I wanted to say more, return the compliment, but found I couldn’t, he was a keen listener and would be able to detect any false sentiment I could throw out. I stared at the menu and tried to ignore my heart that had once again taken up its incessant thrumming.

“Thanks for coming,” he said.

I could feel him staring at me.

When the waitress came over we ordered. Without the menu to stare at, I looked up and past him.

“Anson,” he said, saying my name like it was some sort of invocation.

Did he believe he was dreaming? I could only imagine the nightmare of not knowing where your child was and if they would ever come back.

“Tell me everything,” I repeated my voice steady. I lowered my eyes and faced him and seeing his sadness I swallowed hard.

“It’s unreal,” he said, this time he looked away from me, his eyes were glistening. “I’m not sure I know what’s happened.”

The waitress arrived with small cups of clear broth with some vegetables in it and refilled our waters.

“I’m sorry.” I said, my eyes riveted on him. I couldn’t believe I was sitting across from him in the same dump where I had met him once before when he wanted to return a T-shirt I had left at his place after one of our interludes.

Even now, looking beaten and tormented the man somehow managed to provoke me in ways other men hadn’t. I saw him as beautiful and felt my stomach lurch. I looked at his brown eyes that I remember looked gold in the sun and his oddly handsome face. Not a traditionally good looking face but handsome in a bookish, learned way. I felt my body begin to respond. I leaned close, took a spoonful of soup, and fought the stiffening of my c**k with repeating for a third time the same statement.

“Tell me everything.”

“Can you come over after lunch?” He sounded helpless.

I ached to lean across and soothe him but knew from experience Barrett wouldn’t reciprocate or appreciate the gesture. In quelling this urge, I felt my c**k ease.

“Aren’t you working?” I felt the cut in my voice and tried smiling to ease the sharpness.

“No, I can’t work, I can’t do anything. I can’t sleep, I can barely eat,” he dropped his spoon into the soup and looked out the window. I could still see tears in his eyes.

“You took off from work?” I asked.

“Yeah.” His voice was raised. “So f*****g what? My f*****g kid is gone man, gone, she’s gone.” He slammed a hand against the table sending his soup splashing over the side of the cup. I quickly managed to stop the hot soup from spilling onto his lap with a fast swipe our napkins. The waitress came over, looked startled, but wiped the remains of the soup up with quick, fearful motions.

“Sorry,” I said to the woman but she didn’t understand me and just grabbed our soups, turned and hurried away.

“You off for the summer or what?” Barrett asked, his voice still angry.

“Yeah, schools out, I haven’t found any summer work yet.” I replied.

“What a shock. I don’t know how you get by.”

Before I could think, I stood up; my paper napkin fell to the floor.

“f**k off.” My voice sounded hurt and it pissed me off that I was back feeling vulnerable at Barrett’s expense. I reached into my pocket, pulled out a twenty-dollar bill, threw it on the table, and started to walk away.

“Anson wait!”

I heard him call me and wanted to ignore him, but even as my hand pulled on the door to leave, I felt something command me to stop. I turned and walked back over to him. I could see the shock and hurt on his face.

I was about to say something when Barrett reached his hand across to mine, took it and squeezed hard. “I need you to do your thing Anson. I need you to help me find Hilary.”

Shocked by his physical attention, I tried to pull my hand away.

“I know you can find her. You need to help me.” His voice broke off at the end. He held onto my hand tightly until I sat back down. A couple minutes later, our food arrived.

We ate in relative silence. Whatever he was going to tell me about his daughter was off the table until we got to his house. In the few months we had dated, f****d or been “friends” as he often put it, I spent an inordinate about of time trying to figure him out. Now, as I sat looking at him, I realized his idiosyncrasies were habitual and to be around him, I had to accept them. He would never answer anything directly, he would never admit his emotional needs to another man, because he wasn’t even completely sure he was gay, bi or straight. The man lived in a constant state of s****l ambiguity.

My mind was temptingly beginning to spin in the direction of the abyss that I had just managed to pull myself out of. In order to stop myself, I recalled all the hours I had spent being disappointed by Barrett. There was no need to fall, because there was nowhere to fall with him. He needed my help. I would give him that and then walk away.

I wouldn’t fall.

I think I said the last word aloud because Barrett was staring at me when I looked up from my plate. I wanted to smile but there was a black shadow just beyond his head.

“What?” he asked.

I heard irritation in his voice.

“There’s something,” I paused, the shadow seemed to grow deeper and then as I was about to say more, it was gone. “Nothing,” I said, trying not to sound worried. “Where is your car?”

“My car?” He arched an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Your car Barrett, the thing you drove here in, where is it?” Even though the shadow was gone, I felt like I couldn’t pull my eyes from where it lingered behind his head.

“I was in an accident,” his answer seemed to come from my mouth instead of his. I realized I started to say it before he finished speaking.

“Barrett, you need to tell me everything.”