Then, Now, Me

Chapter 14: Then

From the corner of my eye, I can see Amanda smirking from behind her pint of Blue Moon.

"You guys are so cute it"s disgusting," she says and then looks around. "You want something to eat or what?"

"Huh?" I say untangling myself from Scott. "Yeah, yeah. Sure. Maybe just grab a basket of that popcorn over there."

Amanda rolls her eyes and makes her way to the other side of the bar.

This thing with Scott is new and kind of exciting. He"s not really what I envisioned for myself, but he seems like a good person, which is definitely a step up from past guys I"ve been with. Plus, he accepts all my flaws and honestly, the best I can probably do given my track record.

"Hey, you want to drive to Massachusetts with me next weekend? I"m going to visit my parents," Scott asks suddenly.

Shocked at the ease in which this relationship seems to be progressing, I ask back, "You sure? Isn"t that kind of quick?"

Scott smiles and says, "Yeah, well. It just feels right, doesn"t it?"

I consider the question vaguely. In the fog of this new thing we have, I"m not exactly thinking clearly. But, I respond in the only way I really can in this particular moment.

"Yeah," I say, dutifully, "it does."

OOOOO

"Kelly," I say through a barrage of tears, "I don"t know what the hell just happened! We were talking on the phone just now and suddenly he was yelling at me about something I can"t even remember." I continue, throwing up my hand, even though she can"t see me through the phone, "Did I do something wrong? How is it okay for him to yell at me like that?"

I"m sitting on an ottoman by myself in the apartment I share with Amanda, incredulous at the turn of events. It"s the first time I have shed tears in this relationship, and I"m still in shock over it.

"It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!" my voice raises as I realize what I"m actually saying. How can this be? I ask myself, not knowing what to make of this.

"Well, you know," Kelly starts on the other end of the line, "maybe he just had a bad day. He started this new job in Massachusetts, right? It can"t be easy." She adds, "Long distance relationships are hard."

I calm down, ready to accept any reason at this point in order to rationalize what just transpired. "Yeah, I guess," already latching on to the excuses.

Kelly continues, "He might just be one of those guys who says things he doesn"t mean in the middle of a fight." I can hear her shifting position as she adds, "Maybe you just can"t take it seriously."

"Yeah, I guess," I repeat, feeling a little numb. "So do I just let it go? Ignore it?"

"Well," Kelly pauses and then says, "it"s just the one time, right? I bet he"s under a lot of pressure. Try not to judge him too quickly."

Taking a deep breath, I say, "Yeah, okay. Okay." What she"s saying in my mind seems to make sense. "You"re right. Thanks, Kelly."

"Anytime Babe," she chimes back into the phone, "Now Lady Bird, what are you up to for the rest of the weekend?"

OOOOO

"Beth," my dad says quietly with much emotion leaking around his words, "are you happy?"

And for a brief moment, I can feel myself hesitate before saying, "Yes,"

I can practically hear my dad smiling on the other end of the line as he says, "Then we"re happy, too. We really like him and are very proud of you both."

The sounds from the background drift through the phone, and I can hear my sister"s laugh, along with Scott"s deep voice responding to whatever is being discussed. Scott flew out to my parent"s house in Indiana to ask for their permission - or blessing maybe? - to marry me. For some reason, though, I just can"t seem to muster any kind of emotion other than - embarrassment. Shouldn"t I be oozing with joy and love for this man? Shouldn"t I feel elated that my family has accepted him as one of their own already? Shouldn"t I be emotional with happiness that I have finally found "the one"? And, shouldn"t I want to be there, celebrating with the love of my life and the rest of my family?

And yet. All I feel is a cold detachment from the whole situation, and admit to myself that I"m glad I"m not there.

Can this be right? I think to myself in bewilderment. Is this how it should be?

Hanging up the phone, I push all of those questions out of my mind. This man has my family"s approval and is the best I will ever do in my life. He accepts me for who I am, and that says so much. Yes, this is right.

And still the persistent voice in the back of my mind is hemming and hawing, frustrated with my logic and lack of self worth.

OOOOO

Pulling into the driveway in front of the cape style home in Massachusetts, I look around at the new neighborhood.

So, this is my new home, I think to myself. Well, after I"m done teaching in New Hampshire.

"Hey Hun," Scott waves from the front door of the house. He"s in a simple sweatshirt and work jeans, and appears to be in the midst of hauling boxes from the truck in the driveway. His dad isn"t too far behind, trying to help bring in the rest of the items. When he sees me, he smiles and waves, but then looks to be making his way to his own car sitting behind the truck.

"Hi Beth," Scott"s dad says good-naturedly. "You"re a saint for putting up with this guy, have I told you that yet?"

I just laugh and say, "Yes, you"ve mentioned this," and then I continue when it becomes obvious his dad is leaving, "Thanks for helping today. I"ll try to pick up from here."

Scott"s dad smiles and gets into his car, honks once before quickly driving away.

I turn to go into the house, but Scott stops me before I"m able to set foot inside.

"Wait," Scott says. "Let me show you around."

"But," I say quickly, wanting to barge in and see the new digs, "the house isn"t that big, Scott. I know where everything is!"

"I know, but come on," Scott says and adds with a wolfy grin, "It"s our new house!"

Our new house, I think to myself. Wow.

"Alright," I say, giving in to Scott"s infectious enthusiasm. "Show me around, mister."

Grabbing my hand, he pulls me into the dining room and kitchen area, "Well, here, you have the lovely dining area, complete with the old and stained grandma-pink carpeting..."

"That"s out," I say, swiping my hand across my throat.

Scott laughs again. He"s in a surprisingly good mood.

He then brings me through the hallway, showing me the bathroom, office area, and living room - most of it covered in pink carpeting and all of it plastered in wallpaper.

"Consider it all gone!" I say, excited to give the cute house a whole makeover.

"Alright, let me show you what we have going on upstairs," Scott says, leading me up the front staircase.

At the top of the very small landing, there"s a small bedroom to the right and another to the left. Our master will be on the left, while a guest room - for now - will be on the right.

All of it is empty.

While I"m wandering around the master bedroom, Scott disappears into the guest room. I hear a faint, "Damn" come from the guest room and I giggle, hearing Scott"s frustrated tone. He always strikes me as funny when he doesn"t mean to be.

"Hey, Beth," Scott says in a weird tone of voice, "Come over here!"

I turn to see what Scott is up to and the guest room is nearly pitch black. I didn"t realize the time of day, I guess.

Scott goes to turn on the light. And it doesn"t work.

Scott"s nervous chuckle comes through in the dark, and I can sense him going somewhere in the room before coming back to the entrance where I"m still standing. He says to me quickly, "Well, that"s not going to work. Come here for a second."

So, we turn around toward the staircase, and Scott goes down just a couple of the steps and turns around.

"What"s up?" I say, confused as to why we stopped and what the hell is going on.

"Well, I just wanted to ask you," and Scott pulls out a little black box, which stops my heart for a beat. He slowly opens it, revealing a gorgeous solitaire diamond ring, and asks, "You think you can put up with me for the rest of your life?"

I laugh because that is such an appropriate - and truly important - question for me to consider. I always said that I would accept his proposal. I mean, we knew it was coming ever since he got my dad"s blessing. So, why was I feeling so weird about saying yes?

And yet, what comes out of my mouth is, "Yeah, I suppose I can."

And the ring is slipped on, encircling my finger tightly.