Then, Now, Me

Chapter 19: Now

I pull into the small Italian restaurant - and by small, I mean tiny - and find a tight parking space off to the side. I can feel my stomach turning cartwheels and my heart racing, as I look around and consider going inside to find Jeremias.

I am both looking forward to and dreading this conversation.

I missed Jeremias during the week, I really did. It"s getting harder and harder to be away from him. It"s like we take ten steps forward during our weekends together, but then everything is put on pause when I go back home and he does his own thing during the weekdays. I am trying not to think too far ahead into the future because all it does is give me anxiety. I have no idea what to expect, and while my brain keeps adding items to the "con" side of this situation, my heart retaliates with items for the "pro" side.

Mostly, I"m definitely falling for the guy. And it scares the crap out of me, possibly more than swimming in a tank full of sharks. And for someone with an irrational fear of sharks ever since that God forsaken movie, Jaws, that"s saying something.

Regardless, I pull down the visor and flip up the mirror to check my hair and makeup. My face looks a little shiny, maybe, but not terrible. My hair is responding as it always does in humid air, so I take a few moments to smooth it down before finding it acceptable. I straighten out the top of my black dress and run my hands down the material, checking for any fuzz or loose strands of hair. Picking off the undesirables, I adjust my black sheer nylons and make sure everything is comfortably in place. I look back up for a final check of my face in the mirror and then, in an inappropriately violent way, I throw back up the visor, snag my purse sitting on the seat beside me, and push open the car door. Slamming the door shut, I"m instantly hit with heart-pounding anxiety and I"m convinced everyone can see my whole body vibrate. Closing my eyes and steadying myself on my black heels, I mutter, "Okay, God. I"m giving this to you. Whatever happens, it"s all you."

I take a deep yoga-like breath, forcing my breathing to slow and open my eyes.

Jem, looking incredibly sexy in simple fitted grey dress pants, white button-down shirt, and black tie, is standing with an affectionate smile on his face just inside the doors of the restaurant, his eyes piercing mine through the glass.

Pasting on a smile, I think to myself as I stride through the parking lot, Yup, definitely diving head-first into the shark tank might be preferable.

OOOOO

He waits until I have a glass of Riesling in front of me to broach the inevitable topic:

"So, cutting to the chase," he says unceremoniously, "have you thought about what I was saying this week?"

Taking this opportunity to raise the wine glass to my lips, I give myself a moment before I offer, "Yeah, I have."

He, in return, waits a beat to see if I"m about to continue.

I don"t. I"ll be damned if I"m the instigator in this.

Next to me, he reaches for his own water - Poland Spring, his ever-present companion, even in a 5-star restaurant - takes a swig, and puts it back down. He swallows, and begins, "Beth, I like you. I want to spend more time with you." He clears his throat and continues, "And I want to see where things go."

Before I can help myself, I ask, almost confrontationally, "Isn"t that what we"ve already been doing?"

"I don"t know," he quickly throws back, "Is it?"

I laugh a little, finding the present moment curiously ridiculous. I can"t believe I"m back in this place with someone.

"What?" Jeremias asks, drawing closer, as if I have some secret to share. "Come on, Beth. You"re kinda hard to read right now."

"Really?" I inquire, turning to look him full on in the eyes. "I thought you could read me too well, actually."

"Well, yeah, you"re easier to read than most," he acknowledged. "But when it comes to this, I just don"t know what to think."

Pausing again, I realize that the poor guy just wants me to be honest. But that means sharing details about my past relationships that I had really hoped I didn"t have to share already.

I decide to just lay it all out - as gracefully as humanly possible.

My hand trembles as I reach again for my wine glass. Taking a borderline unladylike gulp, I brace myself for the make-it-or-break-it moment.

"Wow, it"s like you"re preparing for battle," he says with a brief chuckle, not knowing how right he is about that.

I don"t laugh. "Jem, there are a lot of things you don"t know about me," I state as my opener, "and I want to be honest with you about who I am, what I want, and anything else you need to know before we try this."

Jem, looking suddenly serious, nods his head once and leans back against the booth next to me. "I"m all ears, Sweetie."

OOOOO

After spilling the details about my past relationships that I would want to know in his place, I open my heart to him.

"I understand whatever you want to do. It"s not going to be easy dealing with Scott. He"ll definitely be territorial about Tristan, and probably pretty angry with me," shaking my head, I keep going, "As for the Aaron situation, I can give you information about things if you"d like, and although it is fairly common, I do know what a shock it can be. Unfortunately, I wasn"t given a choice, but I want to make sure you are," taking a breath, I add, "I really like you, Jem. Really like you. Even though it may be hard, I"d love to see where this is going." My voice quakes as I say this last vulnerable admission, "And I"m yours if you want me."

It"s at that very moment that the blessed waiter comes with our food. As far as I"m concerned, it"s perfect timing; it cuts the tension in the air and gives us both a chance to process.

We exchange small talk about the food, and prepare ourselves to dive in. I"m surprised when Jem takes my hand, and holds it tenderly against his chest.

"Is it okay if I pray?" he says, peering into my eyes.

I smile and nod.

He closes his eyes, and speaks only loud enough for the two of us to hear, "Dear Lord, thank you for giving us this time together and all of this amazing food." He looks over at me briefly and kisses my knuckles. Closing his eyes again, he continues, "Thank you for giving us a chance to meet and for making it safe for Beth to share her story. Please Lord forgive me for my ignorance and give me the wisdom to be the support that Beth needs," he looks again and me and asks, "Would you like to add anything?"

I shake my head, not quite ready for this kind of open prayer. Jeremias closes the prayer quickly, and again kisses my hand before turning to me.

He reaches toward my face and tenderly sweeps stray hairs away from my forehead. "Beth, I"m sorry you had to go through all of that with your ex husband. I know both people cause a relationship to break down and I"m sure you played a part, but it sounds to me like you got pretty railroaded by him... and I admire that you left to protect your son," pausing to collect his words, he continues slowly, "I don"t know much about what you"re talking about with Aaron, it"s true. And I"ll admit, it worries me because I"ve been so careful all of my life," taking a deep breath, he says, "But I can imagine sharing that was incredibly hard, and I know you never asked to be treated like that. I"m not going to be one of those guys that cuts and runs," and adding with a smirk, "Not my style."

I smile a little, still nervous about what he"s going to say, but eased with his tender touch along the sides of my face, trailing into my hairline.

"So," he says, as though gearing up for a big finish. "I"m still interested in trying this with you. All the stuff you said about your past has made you who you are, and I have plenty of my own stuff I"ll be sharing with you, too," he stops for a second to drink some of his water, seeming very thoughtful. In that brief moment, I wonder what story he has to share.

He interrupts my thoughts to say, "We"ll deal with Scott when the time comes. And if this thing you say you have poses any problems, we can talk them through together and maybe you can tell me more about it?"

"Absolutely," I confirm with complete commitment, "I"ll tell you anything there is to know. I"ve basically become an expert."

With sad eyes, Jeremias says softly, "I bet you have, Sweetie."

We pause for a moment, just looking at each other. I break eye contact and ask, "Okay, so, should we dive into this?"

A smile spreads across his face, as he asks, "The food or us?"

I giggle, partly relieved by the humor and partly relieved to be done with this dreaded conversation, "Both, I guess."

"A big yes to both, Love," he says with a semi-cliche-but-nonethess-charming wink, and eagerly reaches for his fork.