Then, Now, Me

Chapter 18: Then

"Come on, Beth," Aaron says, while standing at my apartment door. "You know you want to go out with me."

A laugh pops out of my mouth. I"m incredulous at this guy"s nerve in coming to my door in the middle of the afternoon to ask me out. "Why should I do that?" I ask with a smirk.

"Because you"d have fun with me," he said, matter-of-factly and then adds with a dash of arrogance, "and you know it."

Despite my logic screaming at me in protest, I decide to accept going out with him this Friday night and tell him so. A few years ago, I didn"t think very highly of Aaron - and actually thought he seemed like a real sneaky bastard. However, in the past several weeks after breaking things off with Chris, Aaron has been kind and thoughtful.

Maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt, I think to myself, having absolutely no clue what"s to come.

OOOOO

Aaron pulls me in close, kissing my cheek and holding me tight around the waist. "I"ll miss you, baby."

I smile and wrap my arms around his neck, pressing my cheek up against his, "I"ll miss you, too."

He grabs my hands as we break apart, and stares intensely into my eyes. "I"ll call you everyday."

"Sure," I say, surprisingly at ease with the situation. I thought I"d be more unsettled about the guy I"ve been dating for three months going off with his buddies to Cancun for Spring Break - cliche, I know - but Aaron has made me feel so secure in our young relationship that I don"t even consider the risks.

From across the road just outside the sliding automatic doors into the airport, one of Aaron"s friends starts shouting, "Aaron, let"s GO! I"m not gonna miss this flight because you"re making out with your chick!"

Aaron smiles and shakes his head. He leans forward to place a quick kiss on my lips and says, "I"ll see you in about a week, babe."

OOOOO

My heart is pounding out of my chest, and my head suddenly feels like it"s buzzing. "How could you do this to me?"

"Um," Aaron says, conveying a sense of surprise at my reaction. "Look, it was just a kiss. I don"t know what you"re freaking out about. It"s not like we"re serious or anything."

"What?" I say, in disbelief at his casual tone, "what are you even saying right now?"

I hear Aaron breathe into the phone before he goes on to explain, "Hey, I was having fun with you and the kiss meant nothing, really." He continues, "Honestly, you"re getting way too worked up about this. I thought I could tell you, and you"d be fine." He pauses, and my heart beating out of chest keeps track of the seconds it takes for him to say, "I don"t think I"m ready for this."

Barely able to think through the shock, I manage to say, "OK," before hanging up the phone.

My eyes feel like they can"t see and my racing heartbeat is pounding out an intense rhythm that radiates through my body. I allow myself to wonder about the truthfulness of his words, and consider the fact that he might have even slept with this person.

What else don"t I know? I carefully ask myself, unknowingly setting myself up for what"s to come.

OOOOO

As my tears just begin to dry, the doctor tells me the test results.

"Herpes," she says, looking at me with such pity that a fresh round of tears streak down my cheeks.

I whisper through my shock, "Is it curable? Am I going to have this forever?"

The doctor reaches out and places a comforting hand on my shoulder, "I can prescribe to you a medication that will manage it for the first five years or so until your immune system can handle it. Luckily after the first years with it, you probably won"t have too many outbreaks - likely there could be none at all. But yes, I"m sorry, Hun. This is one of those viruses that once caught, you carry in your body forever. "

And with that unbelievable information, my body shakes with violent sobs and the doctor wraps her arms around me.

OOOOO

TheATeam: Wow, you got the herp. That sux. I know what that"s like

WriterGirl1982: So wait. You knew you carried Herpes and didn"t tell me?

TheATeam: Well yeah. It"s not that big a deal… I had fever blisters in my mouth as a kid. Really bad actually. And you know I was with Danielle for a long time… so she got it too.

WriterGirl1982: What the hell? Why didn"t you tell me this?

TheATeam: Why? I dunno. It"s not like I had an STD or whatever… chill

WriterGirl1982: Oh yeah, it is… you passed it onto me and now I have this literally forever.

TheATeam: How do you know it was me? Who knows where you got it… you sure Chris didn"t pass it onto you and it"s just coming out now? Anyway… I gotta go. Good luck with everything

TheATeam signed off

OOOOO

Grinding my teeth together and gripping the bathroom counter in preparation, I slowly empty my bladder over the toilet.

Immediately, spikes of pain slice throughout my whole body, and it"s all I can do to keep myself upright.

I finish, and let my head crash into my hands, letting out a whimper of pain. I feel weak and defeated and so ashamed of myself. My anger toward Aaron has passed and now all I can feel is intense depression. I"ve lost close to 15 pounds in the last couple of weeks alone, simply because I don"t want to eat to then have to use the bathroom.

How could this happen? I think, slowly putting myself back together and limping toward the sink.

OOOOO

"He what?!" I shoot up from the couch and I can just about feel the fumes flying out of my ears. "What the hell are you saying to me?"

Kelly looks up at me from her seated position with a sympathetic - and a little scared - expression on her face. "He had Danielle over a few times, and I definitely heard them having s*x in his room."

"And this was while I was with him?" I respond, angrily clarifying what Kelly just told me.

"Yes, absolutely," Kelly chirps back, nodding her head vigorously. "I didn"t know you very well, and I honestly didn"t know how serious you two were. I mean, he was with Danielle for so long that I guess I just didn"t think anything of it." She reaches out her hand to grab my arm, halting my pacing. "I"m so sorry. If I had known better, I would have said something sooner."

And with that, my whole body deflates. My shoulders fall forward as, once again, my anger turns quickly to another round of depression and shame. "I know. Thanks for telling me."

Kelly stands up and hugs me tightly. "Listen, you"ll get through this. Don"t even bother with that asshole. The things I could tell you about how he is with girls would curl your toes." She pulls back and adds, "Really, you have no idea what it"s like to be his roommate. I know you don"t believe it now, but you"re lucky to be rid of him."

Shaking my head, I say, "You don"t understand. I"ll never be rid of him, Kelly. I"ll have to relive this humiliation and shame over and over again anytime I want to get serious with someone." A spark of anger re-ignites in my belly as the reality of it sinks in, "And you think guys are gonna stick around once I tell them?"

Kelly rubs my back and says, "Yeah, I get it." She takes a deep breath, seeming unsure of whether or not to continue, "Think of it this way, though. You get to quickly weed out the jerks that really don"t care about you. The right guy won"t care."

Not fully believing her, but needing to be alone, I say, "Maybe."

Sensing my mood shift, she talks about needing to be somewhere and quickly exits, after making sure I have enough food in my apartment for dinner.

Yanking the fleece blanket off the back of the couch, I wrap it around my shoulders and drag myself through the kitchen and into my bedroom.

"Sleep, I think," I mutter to myself as I fall on the mattress and ease myself into the only peace I can find right now.

OOOOO

My dad huffs into the phone, after ranting about how I haven"t spoken to him or my mom in weeks.

I decide that I need to be honest, so I tell him the gruesome truth. Surprisingly, he says after sighing deeply, "I thought it might be something like that."

"Yeah," I say, not knowing what else to say and feeling unbearably awkward talking to my dad about this.

"Well," he starts slowly, "Now you know to be careful who you"re intimate with."

I don"t say anything before he says, "Hold on, Mom wants to talk to you."

There"s a pause, and I can hear muttering happening in the background. No doubt my dad is filling my mom in on the details.

My mom, Captain of Unhelpful Comments, gets on the phone and immediately reinforces the truth in my personal eponym for her by saying, "Beth, you"re an educated person. How could you not be careful?"

I sigh, trying to get ahold of my temper that never fails to flare when presented with these kind of questions from my mother. "Mom, I am an educated person and I thought I was being careful. There are some things that can"t be avoided, and if that"s all you can say, I don"t want to talk about this anymore."

She sighs out of frustration, signaling the end of her attempt at understanding me. "Well," she tries, sounding forced, "don"t shut us out next time something happens. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay," I say, not sure I will be able to uphold this pseudo-promise.

My mom effectively finishes the conversation by saying, "Let"s hope something like this never happens again then."

OOOOO