Then, Now, Me

Chapter 17: Now

The texting with Jem continues over the course of the next few days.

It isn"t until Wednesday evening of the following week that Jem starts to lean into something more serious.

Jem: So what are you thinking about where this is going sweetie

Me: Wow, you"re very straight forward!

Jem: Yeh only way to be

Jem: I"ve been thinking a lot...

Me: And?

Jem: Well I told you from the beginning that I wasn"t really emotionally available...and I have a lot of friends who are girls but nothing happened with any of them.

I consider then how Lukas looked at Jeremias after church that first weekend, and I realize why Jem was getting such a serious look - it seems that Lukas knew, or at least suspected, how many girls Jem had been spending time with. At that, I wonder, How many?

Me: Nothing happened? Really?

Jem: Yes really. I was incredibly committed to my last relationship. We were engaged and a week before it was supposed to happen, well... it didn"t

Me: Whoa I didn"t know that. No wonder... :- I"m sorry that happened

Jem: It"s okay. I see now that everything happens for a reason. She changed a lot and turns out we weren"t a good fit

Jem: I just need to know if you are really in this... I"ve been in a serious relationship with a woman before who had a child and it"s literally twice as heartbreaking if it doesn"t work out

Me: Okay...I understand that. I just don"t understand what you want... you"re asking me if I"m in it and then talk about why you"re hesitating

Jem: Well yeh I"m conflicted lol

I sink back into my couch, and just look at the thread of text messages. I can"t even believe how much I am already falling for this person, and ignorantly realize that not only I could get hurt, if this goes wrong, but if I introduce Tristan into the situation, he could get hurt as well.

What a mess, I think to myself. This is why you shouldn"t get divorced, especially when you have a child.

Me: I"m scared too. I mean, a lot can go wrong and I do have a child to think about. I"ve been trying to hold myself back this entire time out of fear of getting hurt...but obviously that hasn"t been working out too well

Jem: :-

Jem: Yeh and the thing is... you don"t know everything about me and I don"t about you. But there"s just something about you that makes me instinctively think it"s right and usually when I follow my gut I"m never disappointed... it"s just I need to know where you stand and if you"re really committed to doing this with me

Jem: Are you willing to do a long distance thing? Are you okay with my job? My life here in Newport? I mean there are a lot of things to consider. And to be honest with you I don"t really have the best closure with my ex...

Me: You"re all over the place sweetie. I don"t know what to say. It"s like you"re testing me

Jem: No no Hun, not testing... just being honest and laying it all out there

I pause for a second in the mad rush of texting with Jem and think about what I really want. Getting into another relationship honestly terrifies me because, truly, they have never worked out well for me - even the relationships with my family are strained, and those are supposed to be unconditional. I take a deep breath and try to respond.

Me: Maybe we just see how this goes... and yeah, I"m scared and nervous and not sure what"s going to happen... but I"ve now driven twice to see you and spent the weekend with you. Don"t my actions show what my heart wants?

Jem: Hmm yeh but I need more than that

Me: Are you seriously asking me to go steady with you over a text message? :-P

Jem: Lol point taken. Just come this weekend and we can talk more then...how does that sound?

And with that comment, we nail down plans for the weekend. I vaguely consider how much driving I"m doing to go to him, and yet he hasn"t even offered to come down to visit me. My inner - annoying - voice raises a little red flag with that realization. I also realize that we"ve only made plans on weekends that I don"t have Tristan. What happens when this gets more serious and Tristan is around?

I put that thought aside temporarily and decide that I"ll cross that bridge sooner or later.

When I hear Tristan crying out from his bedroom upstairs, possibly from a bad dream, I toss the phone on the coffee table and it lands with a hard thud. Right now, my only thoughts are about the well being of my son - all other considerations otherwise simply disappear as my mom hat fastens itself snugly to my head.

OOOOO

I"m freaking out.

It"s Friday afternoon, and after I get out of work, I"m supposed to drive to see Jeremias.

But... I"m freaking. Out.

I think about all of the ways I"ve been hurt before, and all of the things I still need to share with Jem. Yet again, I have to put myself in the ugly position of being vulnerable. It"s only been a couple of weekends and a marathon of text messages, and I already know that if Jem backs out of this now, I"m going to be destroyed. I literally don"t have any support to fall back on right now, if this thing shatters at my feet.

With my heart racing, I whip open my laptop on my desk and bring up f*******:. Quickly checking my feed, and scrolling through the different posts from my assortment of "friends," I try to distract my mind from spiraling into an anxiety hurricane. Jem is surprisingly quiet today; I keep looking at my phone for any texts and every time I check to see that nothing has come in, my anxiety rises another notch. On f*******:, his only activity is posting a picture, perhaps from a Newport beach this past summer. It"s an image of a warmer time, now rapidly fading away in the October air.

And then, I open up my f*******: inbox and my eyes land on a new message from Damon - oh, the complicated history with this one. He"s the financial guy at work that I suspected always had a thing for me since I started seven years ago, which was then confirmed once I had to tell him this past spring that I was in the process of getting divorced. He had been divorced from his wife for a few of years at that point, and once we had each other"s cell numbers, his communications with me very clearly conveying his interest. I was lonely and he was moderately attractive. He has a good job, and he"s nice to talk to. Anyway, one thing led to another and there were various intimate encounters that ultimately, didn"t really lead anywhere. Not that Damon didn"t want it to; he surely did. But, I dragged my feet on the whole thing, not ready to take the plunge with that particular relationship. I told him that I just wasn"t ready for any kind of serious relationship, and it was true: I was not ready. However, I didn"t necessarily feel that tug for him that I feel with Jeremias now, so I"m not sure if I even was ready I would move forward with him.

Going out with him - and then of course, sleeping with him - was certainly not my finest choice. But, I was in an emotionally vulnerable place, especially with my family not really in the picture and no friends in the area to speak of. It was a very hard time for me. And, if I"m being honest, Scott and I hadn"t been hitting the sheets very often toward the end. In fact, I"m not even sure he desired me much at all in that last year or so. Feeling desired by Damon was intoxicating, and if I didn"t feel the tug to be in a relationship with him, I most definitely felt the tug for other things.

I open up the short message from Damon, asking me what my plans are for the weekend:

Hey You,

Haven"t seen you in awhile... I miss you Hun. What are you up to this weekend? Any chance we could get together? The kids are with their mom, so we"d have the whole place to ourselves ;-)

Damon

My emotional armor comes tearing out of my body and wraps me up tight in its embrace - whether it"s trying to protect me or attack me is not clear. It squeezes and grips me beyond my capacity to feel. It guides me through a strikingly vivid series of images that show all of the ways this thing with Jem could go wrong, including how it may even die out this weekend after Jem hears what I have to say about my romantic past.

It leads me to writing back Damon, telling him that I"m not available this weekend, but suggesting we meet up one night next week for dinner. Reading in between the lines of my message, I clearly convey a sense of romantic interest in him. It only takes moments for him to write back with specific ideas about what to do.

And my heart feels instantly betrayed.

But it"s the rational voice in my head that"s leading right now, and by performing an action that decreases the importance of things working out with Jem, it breathes a sigh of relief. My mind is figuratively stepping in front of my heart, ready to protect it from the emotional blows it thinks it will inevitably suffer - and this time, it"s going even further by taking the preventative step of lining up another distraction, should Jeremias break my heart completely.

It"s not okay, and it"s not healthy, and it"s not even solving any kind of problem. But it"s done and in a twisted way, I feel less anxious. Screw him, my mind thinks quickly and somewhat irrationally, already expecting the worst from the weekend with Jeremias.

I close up my laptop, and shove all thoughts about it away. Tuck it safely inside a mental drawer.

Eying the clock, I see that I have a few hours left of my work day to go before I need to hit the road. I breathe in deeply, willing my heart to slow, and begin to accept whatever outcome the weekend has in store for me.

Alright, Jeremias, I think, already feeling emotionally exhausted, Bring it on.

OOOOO