Because Of Him

When I realized

**later that night**

when Hayes had left earlier today, I spent most of my day indoors like the usual. The curtains closed and nothing that could possibly bother me. Most people would hate being alone at home with nothing to do, for me it felt like paradise. People at school said I was 'depressed'. But I didn't argue with them. I didn't even know if I was or not. Everything was just a bumpy road for me and nothing seemed to settle into place. When high school started Thats when things went the opposite of great. I caught myself eating alone at lunch, not talking to anyone and pretending no one else existed. I don't know why I did it, but I can say it was a whole lot Easier to get through the days. Rumors were always being whispered behind my back but I never let them get to me. It just wasn't worth it.

I went downstairs to eat some dinner by myself or with my sister. My mom was of course, still at work but my aunt usually came by to look after us some days. When I caught sight of the kitchen table there was nothing there except a box of pizza and several cans of coke, this was how my sister and I usually ate when she was too lazy to cook or even take us out to eat. But as expected, my aunt was there too, right beside my sister who was shoving a pizza into her mouth. My aunt was stunning. She was a red head who's red locks would turn a light ginger when exposed to the sun, she was quite young. She was about 30 years old . Her name was savannah. "I haven't seen you in so long!" She said before opening her arms wide open to me. I gave her a tight hug as I looked over her shoulder. We all sat down across from one another from the table and ate the pizza in silence. "So, how have you two been?" Her soft voice asked before taking another bite of pizza. "Rachel has a boyfriend." I said without any regrets. My sister glared at me. "Shut up!"

"Why? You're 25 what's so embarrassing?" I said, clearly proving she was overreacting

"That's so cute! What's his name? I have to meet him sometime" my auntie said with a wide smile as she eyed my sister. "Nash"

"Nash Grier?" My auntie replied with a foul look on her face

"Yes. Why? Heard of him?" My sister asked

"Of course, I know him from his vines but also from his little brother"

"Hayes?"

"Yes. That kid is no good" my aunt said and I felt my stomach tighten and had lost my appetite to eat.

"What do you mean?" I asked, trying to sound unaware of who this 'Hayes' was.

"He's just not good for his age. I mean, 17? I've seen him wander the streets downtown all night long. God knows what time he returns home, but I mean, the way he acts, he just doesn't seem like a good person"

'Seem' but really, Hayes was actually a good person. He just had a deep side.

"Well little sister here likes him" my sister said to my aunt as she spoke about me. Aunt Savannah's eyes jotted out her eye sockets as she placed her hands on the table and eyed me. "What?"

"No! I don't like him! We're just friends!"

"Bad boys just can't be friends with gullible girls like you" my sister slurred

"That's not true!" I think.

"Yes it is, and maybe if you-"

"Shut up! What the hell do you know? You're 25 and you're still living with us! Shouldn't you have your own house by now and be an independent slut like everyone says you are!?" I said before storming up to my room. The words came out of my mouth like hissing venom and I actually didn't mean anything I said. My sister and I fought all the time and usually it was never big. But when the topic of Hayes came up I just lost it. I didn't like how people talked s**t about him because frankly I think hayes didn't deserve it. It was like I cared for Hayes even though I barely knew him. There was just something that made me drive me insane whenever the topic of Hayes came up. I slammed my bedroom door shut, went over to my bed and landed face down sobbing into the pillows. I cried a lot. Like I said, I didn't know if I was ever depressed or not. But sometimes at night I would think about a lot. So many things that weren't pretty and were actually horrifying. Like a horror movie playing nonstop inside my head. Sometimes even sleeping was hard because I couldn't get away. It was like wherever I went It wasn't safe. Sometimes my thoughts are what killed me in my sleep and each morning I would wake up with a soaked pillow and my eyes feeling numb as ever.

I had my face still down devoured by the pillow as I seemed to cry everything out. I didn't know why I was crying. By this time, I thought I was insane. That I was always insane and no one once told me. I heard footsteps getting closer by my door and the hinges squeaked open.

"Dear, are you okay?" Aunt savannah said softly like she was whispering. I lifted my head up to tell her I wasn't okay. I then rested my head on the dry side of my pillow and shutting my eyes. Aunt savannah came over to the side of my bed. "Tell me. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"I've known you for quite some time. So what's wrong?"

I hesitated. What was I suppose to say? Oh one night at 2 am this bad boy came to my house and we snuck off to vandalize my school?

"It's hard to explain" I said and everything was always hard to explain for me. My stomach felt like it was flipped upside down and I suddenly felt a sickness of fatigue from all that crying. "Was it something I said?" Aunt savannah said

"Not necessarily"

"Is it about that kid, Hayes?"

'That kid'

I looked her directly into the eyes to let my expression speak for itself. Her lips were slightly parted as she scanned my eyes and immediately got what I was trying to say. "Oh...i see... You love him don't you?"

"What? No! I don't."

"Your sister told me about the "bucket list" you and her made."

"She did?"

"Yes she did. And she's sorry for what she said. She just thought he never meant anything to you"

"I'm sorry too...I just, don't know what came over me. Hayes isn't that rude. He's actually a kind hearted guy who's been through much more than what people expect"

"I see, your sister and I and also your mother, don't want you getting involved in all his shenanigans" too late.

I didn't speak. Instead My eyes started wandering off Around the room to avoid making eye contact with my aunt. Because I knew if i did, I would somehow end up crying again without an apparent reason.

"What else did my sister tell you?" My voice croaked. "She told me how you already did half of the list" my aunt joked with a playful smile on her face. I gave her a weak smile back. "Really?"

"Yes"

"It isn't that easy..."

"How is it not easy?"

"I don't know. Just one day he started talking to me and now he's not leaving my life" not like I wanted him to leave.

"Do you want me to tell him to leave you alo-"

"No!," My aunts eyes widened more at me. "I mean-er-no. No thank you." She started rubbing my back gently as she gave me a sincere look. "Do you think you could possibly have feelings for him?"

I got up front spot quickly and sat up straight. "What? No! Never." Maybe.

"Okay. Well let's say, you did have feelings for him. Would you say you were in love with him or just liked him?"

"Like."

"Okay. And if you did like him, why exactly do you like him?"

I stared at the floor as If I searched the answers on the wooden tiles before I spoke. "I don't know. There's just something about him. It's impossible to explain, I guess I can only explain to him how I feel if I did like him because if I was ever happy again, he would be the reason of my happiness" i mumbled.

"I see," My aunt muttered. But I knew she cared. "Well get some sleep okay? It's late and your mom will be back later"

"alright. Thank you aunt savannah. And please, can you tell Rachel that I'm sorry of what I said earlier?"

"I sure will, oh and what happened to Dante and harmony?" My aunt asked. Dante was one of my guy best friends and harmony was my girl best friend. We were like a trio, the three musketeers, 3 peas in pod. But their schedules got busy this semester. Harmony's name fit her perfectly because she was an excellent singer and Dante was into producing music and all that tech stuff with computers, etc. We were still close friends but it was hard for all of us to find time to spend together. That's how I learned to be by myself more often.

"They're just busy" I said to my aunt.

"Oh, that's a shame. Maybe soon if you all can find time, they could come over and I could make you all a little treat like how I use to when you were all little" my aunt said with a dashing smile. "Id like that. Thank you." And somehow that memory made me want to cry into my pillow all over again