My life

My life

My life in the beginning:

I've had a pretty normal life, just like everyone else. The happiest girl in the world, excited about my future. Not worrying about a single thing. I was excited about school. Fast forward to school-life. I began school and that was very strange and fun. As years passed by, I was starting in middle school. I've never had a REAL friend in school, especially in my own class. So that was very exciting to start in middle school.

My middle-school life:

I finally started in middle school. I was very excited about meeting new people and getting new friends. You know, I expected to gain lots of friends when I first started. But sometimes it just doesn't work like that. I started in 8th grade, everything was exciting and it was going pretty good. I didn't really get any REAL friends at first, but I didn't really think about it that much.

The beginning of my battle:

As months passed by, I suddenly started feeling unwell all the time the moment I came to school. Every time I felt sick, I didn't want to go to school. I didn't know why I was feeling that way all the time. Until one day, I had forgotten something at home so I had to go home from school to get it. I went home and got what I needed, but then I felt unwell again. I didn't want to go to school so I called my dad and told him I wasn't feeling well and didn't want to go to school because of it. My dad came home and we had a talk about it. As we started talking, I realized that I was feeling lonely. I didn't have any friends at school and I felt lonely. Months passed by and the summer break finally arrived. I was very excited about having 2 months break from school. I relaxed a lot and had fun and did lots of stuff. I was excited about starting in 9th grade. The time passed by and I finally started in 9th grade.

When my depression developed:

At first everything was okay. Nice seeing the people again after 2 months summer break. After a while my sickness came back, but worse. My mental health started getting worse every day. That's when I started developing my depression. Every single day, every single breaks we had in school, I was all by myself. I sat in the hallway outside our classroom alone. It got worse and worse. I dropped out of school 2 times because my mental health was so bad. I really didn't want to go to school. After a while, I started having thoughts about disappearing completely. I wanted to disappear from everything and everyone. I got lost in my own thoughts and hated everything.

Suicidal thoughts:

I never thought about actual suicide until 2020 in January. I got so depressed and I became suicidal. I couldn't handle this anymore. I really wanted to die. January 25th, I decided to end my life. I said goodbye to my internet friend and was getting ready to do it. She kept messaging me, but I didn't answer. I was about to open my window, but my parents came. They wondered what I was doing and I said "oh, I was just finished letting some fresh air into my room" trying to get away with it. My parents knew I was lying. My internet friend had obviously texted them saying that I needed help right away. I was not happy about it and I was mad at my internet friend for telling my parents. I was very depressed the next day. I was torn apart. I wanted to cry this whole time, but I couldn't. I warmed to scream, but I couldn't. I was in agonizing pain. I was feeling so ashamed and I hated myself for it. I was still depressed and suicidal after that, but I started getting a little better after a while. I also started self harming.

In March we were in lockdown because of Covid 19. I had homeschool and I liked it. Not really having any stress about homework and remembering stuff. But as time passed by, my depression got very bad and my suicidal again came back and they got worse and worse. I started getting terrified of myself and my own suicidal thoughts. I was terrified that I would lose control and kill myself. I planned on committing suicide. But I kept missing my perfect time to do it. One day my mom came and asked me if I had thought about dying and I started crying. I got in a mental hospital and stayed there for a week. I felt better while staying there, but felt worse when I got back hhome. I got depressed again and had suicidal thoughts. Summer arrived and one day. I was talking with my new internet friend about God. We had a call and prayed for the holy spirit to enter my body. It happened and I was so happy and so overwhelmed. I wasn't depressed anymore. A week after that, my depression came back. Summer break ended and I started in 10th. That was very exciting and strange. I was still depressed and had suicidal thoughts. One day it got so bad I actually went up to the attic and climbed out the window. I was hanging there, holding myself ready to let go. I regretted it and I tried to climb back inside. I couldn't do it at first so I started panicking and yelled for my parents. But they didn't hear me. Luckily I got back inside. I ended up going to the kitchen and cut myself.

Months passed by, I've had ups and downs. I was depressed and suicidal. I lost control of myself because of my mental health and I accidentally manipulated some of my internet friends. I ended up losing them. I was feeling so devastated and so depressed. I felt like a monster. I looked at myself in the mirror and said "that's not me. I don't know who that is. This is someone else" in despair. I'm now currently still fighting my battle. It's now been 16 months since I thought about suicide the first time now and I've met the BEST sister I could have ever gotten. Her name is Ana and she's Spanish and is 16years old. I love her so much and I can say that she really saved my life.