Conflicted Love

Frayed Tempers

'Damn it!' I buried my face back into my pillow and contemplated not leaving my bedroom today. It was Sunday, after all. One whole day before I had to go to school and face the fallout from yesterday. Now I looked like having more family fallout first.

I dragged myself up and made my way into my little ensuite, locking the door behind me and taking a deep breath. They wouldn't bother me in here. 'Perhaps a shower will wash some of my stress away', I thought to myself as I turned it on and steam puthered out. I stripped off as it warmed up and gasped as I stepped in. I felt every droplet as though it were the first time water had ever contacted my skin. It was almost painfully intense. The sounds of rushing water and the drops crashing against the floor, the walls and glass door were magnified in my ears. All my senses were hugely intensified since yesterday. I groaned to myself as I imagined how satisfying last night would have been, had my pairing been normal and successful.

~*~

Meanwhile, I was unaware of the commotion going on downstairs. Taking it upon himself to intervene and attempt to fast-track my decision, Jasper had appeared at my house early doors and asked to speak with my father. He firmly believed he was my true mate and he wasn't shy in telling him so. My father didn't want to hear it and reminded him of my decision to get to know Felix as well.

"Quite frankly Alpha," Jasper paused, breathing heavily, "I don't give a f**k about Felix! If he's right for Erin, where the hell is he? How can you defend someone who bails at the first sign of trouble?"

My father had heard enough. He stood up from behind his desk and rounded it to stand toe-to-toe with Jasper, looking him square in the eye. Taking a breath to steady his temper, he spoke calmly, but dangerously, "I have had quite enough of your attitude, Jasper. You come into MY house and expect to get away with speaking to me with such disrespect?" It was his turn to pause for breath, "I won't hear another word about this. I will not bully my daughter into making the biggest decision of her life when she is clearly not ready. I will not force her to get past a highly upsetting event the day after it happened and pretend as though it were nothing, especially not based on the opinions of someone with a vested interest!"

Jasper, who had slowly been calming down and lowering his eyes, bristled once more, looking my father in the eye with that cocky, slightly-lopsided smirk, "You've changed your tune quickly, Alpha. Was it not your persistence that caused your daughter to run away yesterday? Eventually into my arms."

Neither of them had sensed I'd been stood outside the office door for a few minutes, listening in. I had expected my scent to give me away, at least to Jasper, but apparently he was too caught up in antagonising my father to notice even that.

"I was in shock!" my father snapped back.

"You were in shock?" Jasper was incredulous, "How do you think Erin & I felt? The biggest moment of a wolf's life and it all went wrong! You may be the Alpha, but it's not all about you!"

"You've had a botched pairing bond with my daughter for a day and you think you know her better than I do? You impertinent-"

"That's enough!" I made my entrance into the office and they both jumped in surprise, "This discussion between you both is rendered moot by the fact that this is still my decision to make, when I am good and ready to make it."

Jasper, who's eyes and expression had softened when I entered the room, stiffened slightly once again. His eyes grew tight, "Erin, love, please forgive my temper. I do not mean to upset you. But being unpaired from my mate is causing me great pain-"

"Jasper," my stomach churned as I spoke his name and thought of his reaction to what I was about to say, but my resolve didn't waver, "I appreciate that this is hard for you, but it is hard for me also. As a member of the Alpha family, it is my duty to approach this decision with equality and clarity. I wish you no unhappiness. I'm sorry, but I refuse to make this decision until I have spoken with Felix."

Jasper looked as though someone had punched him hard in the stomach and opened his mouth vaguely, but no noise came out. Closing my eyes hard for a second before turning to my father, I asked that he would arrange a meeting for us.

"Nothing would make me happier, Erin, really," he cast a meaningful glance at the still-mute form of Jasper, "But Felix is nowhere to be found. We've had scouts out looking for him since he took off yesterday and there's no sign. Even our best trackers have lost all traces of his scent in our territory. We'll keep looking, but we can't risk roaming and fighting with rogues."

My face spoke the words that my mouth could not. This was all my fault. If I hadn't allowed Jasper to affect me so much yesterday, Felix would never have taken off. At best, I'd upset a member of the pack so badly that he'd left to become a rogue. At worst, I'd driven away the wolf that was actually my true mate. Either end of the spectrum of possibilities was bad for a member of the Alpha family. We were meant to put the good of the pack first - always.

"I will go out and search for him," I said to my father, deliberately avoiding the burning desire to lose myself in the sweet, honey-coloured eyes that I could feel on me.

Jasper found his voice once more, "Like hell you will-"

"f**k off, Jasper! Seriously!" I snapped, turning to face him, "This is not your decision, it's mine. If you are my true mate, would you really wish to start our life together by bossing, bullying and coercing me into doing what you want?" He said nothing, mouth slightly agape again, "You know I have feelings for you, that much is perfectly clear. But I have failed in my responsibilities as part of the Alpha family and I must attempt to put it right. Apologies for cursing, father."

My father simply nodded, an oppressed smirk playing about his lips as he observed the scene. Jasper closed his mouth, gave his head a bit of a shake and gave me a small bow, "As you wish."

My heart ached for him. As I watched the sadness in his eyes, I hurt as much for upsetting him as I did for causing Felix to flee. The urge to reach out and hold Jasper was almost unbearable, but I didn't know whether my mother had told my father about me sneaking out of the house last night and I was determined not to make the situation any worse. I swallowed the lump in my throat that threatened to bring me to tears and attempted to keep my voice steady, "I am going to go out looking for Felix now. Please leave the pack house and do not return until you are asked."

Jasper looked as though he was about to burst into tears right there and then, lowering his eyes to the ground, his voice broke a little as he muttered, "Yes, of course."

My heart couldn't take any more. I took off from the office, down the hall and out of the front door, phasing into my wolf form as soon as I left the garden. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, throwing all the pain and unshed tears into making my escape across an open field and into the trees. Hurting Jasper was so painful, I couldn't imagine how he could ever not be my true mate, but I had to be sure. Felix left because of me and I would search for him until I had nothing left to give.