Shredded past

Confession

Allison’s POV

I was never the person who spoke about her emotions openly. And I hated how weak I felt, how sadness dried up my soul, draining me out of my emotions.

It was easier for me to leave, bottle up my feelings, and burst out when I’m alone. Then I met Isaac. He taught me so many things in just a short time, the same short time my heart developed feelings for him.

I lost myself in his comforting pair of greyish eyes. I let myself trust a stranger, fall in love again, he became my home.

But then came my mother, hurting me like always. I let her split us apart like she wanted, leaving my feelings to blind me. I know if I let Isaac explain himself, I would’ve forgiven him because I… I love him.

“Promise me you won’t leave again, Allison,” he repeated, and I was just staring at him, my eyes flickering in his eyes as the answer awaited on my tongue.

It was easy. One sentence, two words, seven letters. I knew my answer, but I just couldn’t say it.

It wasn’t because of what he did. I still trusted him, even after he lied straight to my face, I still had trust in him.

He took care of me after the… after I was kidn*pped. He made sure I had my medicine, went to therapy. And that was what drew me to him. He didn’t run away when I needed someone by my side. He stuck around.

I never had that much care after dad died, and after I pushed away my friends because I thought I was a burden on them.

His grasp around my hands loosened when I took a long time to spit the answer. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?” He asked, lowering his gaze with pain.

I took my hands out of his grasp. “No,” I whispered, and he lifted his gaze to mine.

“No Isaac, my heart was torn into pieces when I left. I couldn’t bear another day without you and I…” I paused, lifting the sleeves of my sweater.

“I was selfish.”

I was always the selfish one. I never stayed in a fight, never finished an argument, and never thought about anyone but myself.

The moment I decided to kill myself, I forgot Isaac, my family, and my friends. Yes, I was still angry at them back then, and couldn’t understand why they lied to me.

If I had waited longer for his call, it would’ve stopped me. I would’ve dropped the razor blade and saved the time I spent alone in the psych ward.

His hands grabbed my wrists, and I watched him sit next to me on the couch. I couldn’t look into his eyes, having a feeling of being judged by him.

The cuts on my skin were healed already, but left behind visible scars, so that’s why I wore hoodies or anything with long sleeves.

To hide my shame, my weakness.

“Um…” I let out a nervous chuckle, feeling the tears trail down my tears. “I relapsed, drank too much. The next thing I found myself in the hospital, in the psych ward.”

It’s how I found myself pregnant, and that’s why Rafael is worried about every single movement I do. He was a great help during my first trimester, taking extra care of me, especially with my mental health.

I endangered the baby once, and I regret that. My baby was lucky enough to survive, giving me a purpose to survive myself, to stop hiding, and to fight my own battles.

I could feel Isaac staring at me. Still, he never uttered a word and I think it was a mistake telling him about the relapse and my suicidal attempt.

His hand left one of my wrists, caressing my cheek, and lifting my face to meet his soft gaze, yet filled with regret. He thought he was the cause, but he wasn’t. My mind was.

My depression got the best of me… I let the thoughts take control of me and then I almost ruined everything.

My vision blurred as the tears accumulated in my eyes, the overwhelming feeling in my chest weighing my heart down. “This is why I couldn’t return…” I mumbled, letting the tears fall freely down my cheeks.

“I couldn’t let you see me like that, all broken, and-” Isaac stopped me right before I could finish my sentence, pressing his lips on mine in a long kiss.

I closed my eyes, feeling that burning sensation from his lips in the pit of my stomach. I put my hand on his wrist as his other hand grabbed my neck, pulling me more into the kiss.

A few seconds passed, and we pulled away for oxygen. He rested his forehead on mine and I could feel his warm breath fanning over my face.

“You know I won’t think of you any less, Alli. We all have our weaknesses, but you proved to me you’re strong because you face your weakness,” he whispered.

He was right. I found my path again. This time, the baby forced me to get up and get better. I couldn’t let my child see me like this, and I couldn’t be another version of my mother to this unborn child.

I felt Isaac lift his forehead off mine and I opened my eyes, meeting those caring grey eyes. “I’m sorry if I caused your relapse… You don’t know how deep are my feelings for you, I never wanted to lie to you, I wanted our relationship to be built on honesty, but I had to lie to keep you safe…” he paused to catch his breath.

“You don’t understand the dangers, the lies, or the trouble our families did. The truth could kill us.”

And they almost killed him. He got shot, and he never told me who exactly did it. I was wrapped in my s**t with Holland, that I forgot to get him to talk.

Was I ready to know the truth? No, but I couldn’t let my child live in this danger I’m not familiar with.

I needed to know what I’m against to protect my baby.

“So, tell me how everything started…” The words escaped past my lips.

There was a part of me that wanted to know the truth to forgive Isaac, and the other part believed it was better to leave things just the way they are. My father lied to me for a reason, so did Nana and my aunt.

Isaac was doing the same, but I didn’t give him a chance to talk, to explain his cause.

“Are you sure you want to know?” He asked, his eyes locking with mine, fear seeping into his grey eyes. “Because there’s no way back once I tell you everything I know.”

This is my last chance to say no.

“Yes,” I murmured under her breath. “I’m sure.”

He took in a deep breath, grabbing my hands firmly in his as a sign of reassurance. “I want you to know that I lied because I love you, and I wanted to protect you, but I swear I was going to tell you.”

Well, he wasn’t the only person with a secret… I have his baby in my womb and I haven’t told him yet. Imagine the guilt that was currently eating me alive because I didn’t tell him I’m pregnant.

Then tell him, nothing is stopping you. My inner voice shouted at me, and I nibbled on my lower lip.

“Isaac, I’m-”