Forbidden Christmas

CHAPTER 13: Three AM Confessions

Maya's Pov

I couldn't sleep. Again.

Three nights in a row now, I'd lain in bed staring at the ceiling, replaying that conversation in the snow. The way Derek had looked at me. The things I'd almost said before he walked away. The way my chest still ached every time I thought about it.

The clock on my nightstand read 2:47 AM. I gave up on sleep and climbed out of bed, pulling on my robe. Maybe tea would help. Maybe sitting somewhere that wasn't my bedroom would help. Maybe anything would help.

The house was dark and quiet as I crept downstairs. Everyone else was asleep, probably dreaming peaceful dreams, not torturing themselves over impossible situations.

I flicked on the small light over the stove and filled the kettle with water. The sound seemed too loud in the silent kitchen. I grabbed a mug from the cabinet and a tea bag from the canister Sophie had left out.

"Can't sleep either?"

I jumped, nearly dropping the mug. Derek stood in the doorway in sweatpants and a t-shirt, his hair messy like he'd been running his hands through it.

"You scared me," I said, hand on my chest.

"Sorry. I heard someone moving around." He stepped into the kitchen, keeping distance between us like he had been for days. "Thought maybe it was Sophie."

"Just me. Making tea."

"Mind if I join you?"

I should have said yes. Should have taken my tea and gone back upstairs. Should have maintained the distance he'd been so careful about keeping.

"No. I don't mind."

Derek grabbed a mug and we stood in awkward silence while the kettle heated. The only sound was the soft hiss of water beginning to boil.

"I'm sorry about earlier," he finally said. "In the snow. I shouldn't have walked away like that."

"You've been walking away for days."

"I know."

"So why stop apologizing now?"

He was quiet for a long moment. "Because you were right. What you said in your text. I am scared. And I have been pretending."

The kettle whistled. I poured water into both mugs, grateful for something to do with my hands. We took our tea to the table and sat across from each other, the steam rising between us.

"I don't know how to do this," Derek said quietly. "I don't know how to want someone I shouldn't want. How to feel things I shouldn't feel. How to be around you without wanting to close the distance."

My heart hammered in my chest. "So don't."

"Maya…"

"I'm serious. Stop fighting it. Stop walking away. Stop pretending this isn't happening."

"It can't happen. You know why."

"Sophie."

"Yes, Sophie. My daughter. Your best friend. The person who would be destroyed if she knew we were having this conversation right now."

I wrapped my hands around my mug, feeling the warmth seep into my palms. "So we never say anything? We just torture ourselves for the rest of this trip and then I leave and we never speak again?"

"I don't know. Maybe that's the right thing to do."

"The right thing feels pretty terrible."

"Doesn't it always?"

We sat in silence, sipping our tea. The kitchen clock ticked loudly. Outside, snow continued to fall, visible through the window in the dim light.

"Tell me about when Catherine left," I said suddenly.

Derek looked surprised. "Why?"

"Because I want to understand. I want to know what happened that made you build walls this high."

He was quiet for so long I thought he wouldn't answer. Then he sighed.

"She told me over breakfast. Just came downstairs one morning and said she was leaving. That she'd met someone who made her feel alive again. Someone exciting. Someone I could never be."

"That's horrible."

"The worst part was how calm she was. Like she'd thought it through and decided I wasn't worth the effort of being upset about. Just a fact she was stating. Like telling me she was changing the cable plan."

"You deserved better than that."

"Maybe. Or maybe she was right. Maybe I had become boring. Predictable. The kind of man someone leaves without a second thought."

I reached across the table without thinking, putting my hand over his. "You're not boring. You're steady. There's a difference."

Derek looked down at our hands, his thumb automatically stroking over my knuckles. "Is there? Because steady sounds like code for boring. Reliable sounds like code for predictable."

"Steady sounds like someone who doesn't disappear. Someone who shows up. Someone you can count on." I paused. "My dad wasn't steady. He was exciting. Always had a new idea, a new plan, a new place he wanted to go. And then one day he went somewhere and didn't come back."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I'm just saying excitement isn't everything. Sometimes steady is exactly what someone needs."

Derek's hand tightened on mine. "You make it sound simple."

"It's not simple. Nothing about this is simple. But walking away because you're scared isn't simple either. It's just a different kind of hard."

"I don't want to hurt you."

"You're already hurting me. The distance. The coldness. Pretending I don't exist. That hurts worse than anything."

"I'm trying to protect you."

"From what? Feelings? Connection? The possibility that this might actually be something real?"

Derek pulled his hand back, running it through his hair. "You don't understand what you're asking. If we do this, if we cross this line, everything changes. Sophie will find out eventually. She'll feel betrayed by both of us. I'll lose her. You'll lose her. And for what? A relationship that probably won't even work because of who we are, how we met, everything that makes this impossible?"

"You're right. I might lose Sophie. You might lose Sophie. It might not work." I leaned forward. "But what if it does? What if this is real and we walk away from it because we're too scared to try? What if we spend the rest of our lives wondering what could have been?"

"That's a lot of what-ifs."

"Life is a lot of what-ifs."

He looked at me. His eyes were tired, conflicted, wanting. "This is the most honest conversation we've had since you got here."

"Because it's three in the morning and we're too exhausted to keep lying."

"Lying to Sophie. Lying to ourselves."

"Lying to each other."

Derek picked up his mug, then set it down without drinking. "What do you want from me, Maya? Really. What do you want?"

The question hung in the air between us. Heavy. Important. The kind of question that required a real answer.

"I want you to stop pushing me away. I want you to admit this is real. I want you to stop deciding what's best for me without asking me what I want." I took a breath. "And I want you to kiss me. Just once. So I know I'm not imagining this connection."

Derek's eyes darkened. "If I kiss you, I won't be able to stop at once."

"Good."

"Maya…"

"I know all the reasons this is wrong. I've listed them to myself a thousand times. Sophie. The age gap. How we met. All of it. But I'm tired of being logical. I'm tired of doing the safe thing. For once in my life, I want to do something because it feels right, even if it's wrong."

Derek stood up abruptly, walking to the window. He stood there with his back to me, shoulders tense.

I waited. Let him think. Let him process. Let him decide.

When he finally turned around, something had changed in his expression. The wall was still there, but it had cracks.

"We can't tell Sophie," he said quietly.

My heart stopped. "What?"

"If we do this. We can't tell her. Not yet. Not until we know if this is real or just attraction. Not until we figure out how to explain it without destroying her."

"You're saying…"

"I'm saying I can't stay away from you anymore. I tried. I failed. And I'm tired of pretending." He walked back to the table. "But we have to be careful. Smart. We have to protect Sophie as much as we can."

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay."

We stared at each other across the table. Both knowing we were crossing a line we couldn't uncross. Both knowing this would probably end badly. Both too tired and too honest and too desperate to care anymore.

"Not here," Derek said. "Not in the house where she could walk in."

"Where?"

"Tomorrow. Meet me at the construction site. The one I showed you in town. After Sophie goes to bed."

"That's far."

"I know. But it's private. And we need to talk… About what this means. What we're doing."

I nodded. "Okay. Tomorrow."

Derek picked up both our mugs, carrying them to the sink. When he turned back, he was standing closer than before. Close enough that I could see the conflict still warring in his eyes.

"I need you to be sure," he said. "Once we start this, there's no going back."

"I'm sure."

He reached out, his hand cupping my face. His thumb brushed over my cheek. One gentle touch that sent electricity through my entire body.

Then he dropped his hand and stepped back.

"Tomorrow," he said. "Goodnight, Maya."

"Goodnight."

I watched him walk away, disappearing up the stairs. Then I stood alone in the kitchen at three in the morning, my face still tingling where he'd touched me.

Tomorrow. Everything would change tomorrow.

For better or worse, there was no going back now.