THIS FAR WITHOUT YOU

The beginning of forever , I still remember every moment I found out I was pregnant with you. The mix of fear excitement and love that filled my heart. You were my light , and the one who made me dream again.from the very start you changed me . I was no longer just me ,I was your mama. I was just nineteen when everything changed. One moment I was a teenager trying to figure out life and the next thing I know , I was staring at a pregnancy test with shaking hands .Two faint lines and everything went still. My heart pounded with fear and joy ,because in that moment all I could think of was how much of a disappointment I would be to my parents. I tried to hide it for as long as I could . I wore looser clothes, I stayed quiet when my body began changing . I cried at night holding my belly not sure whether I was allowed to be happy or if shame should consume me . I wanted to protect my baby , but I was also scared of the world But even with all the fears l, I never once thought of abortion . Not even once . I loved my baby from the very beginning and I knew I wanted to keep her. And through all , the baby's dad stood by me. He would tell me ,"things will get better soon," and try his best to remind me that we were going to be okay, even when nothing felt okay. His support meant everything to me during those heavy days. Months passed and eventually mum found out , she didn't shout , but I knew she was sad and disappointed at the same time maybe even pitying me. Then dad found out , his anger stung more than I expected , he wasn't loud but the look in his eyes said evey. I had let them down. I had broken something. But time died something strange. It softens even the hardest hearts, slowly , Dad began to come around . He didn't say much but he started asking how I was feeling , if I had eaten and even sending me cash satisfies my cravings . And somehow I knew he still loved me . Pregnancy wasn't easy , not emotionally, not physically, not financially. The baby's dad and I were struggling . We didn't have stable jobs . We were young trying to build something in the middle of chaos . There were more bad days than good . But through it all I carried hope. I held onto the idea that maybe things would get better when the baby comes . And then Came the day... I gave birth through C-section, I had gone to the hospital early that morning thinking it would be like what everyone says - you go in, you push and you meet your baby. But hours passed, laboring all day and still stuck at two centimeters . I was exhausted , scarred and wondering why nothing was progressing. Then things took a turn ... The nurse told me the baby had pooped inside the womb as a sign of distress , they couldn't wait any longer , I had to be taken in for an emergency C- section l. My heart dropped I wasn't ready. I was alone , it was already nine pm , everybody had left thinking that the baby would come the following day maybe, I had never felt fear so deep. And the hardest part , I had to sign the consent papers myself . My hands were trembling, but I had no choice . I had to be strong for Her. I called my mum , crying , trying to explain through the panic that I was being rushed to the theater , I could hear the worrying in my mum's voice , as she tried to reassure me everything was going to be alright . The. I called the baby's father and he was terrified too. He wanted to come to the hospital right away I would hear it in his voice, he was scared of losing both of us. But there was no time . As they wheeled me into the operating room , I just kept praying I didn't know what would happen , but I kept telling my baby " Hold on, mummy is coming . Just hold on."