A Diary of Young Love

Not So Sweet Sixteen

Dear Diary, 3/16/2005

I’m 16 today! Misty and I had a joint birthday party last night. It was at our house, so kind of boring. Samuel was there. But he was talking to the guys the whole time. My party and he barely acknowledged my existence. Some boyfriend. I’m really starting to wonder if he’s the right guy for me. I mean, my Dad approves of him, which makes my life drastically easier, but I really don’t think I have feelings for him. And I think he has even less feelings for me.

He picked me up to go to Doug and Anna’s Monday like usual. This time, he didn’t hold my hand in the truck, which was strange. He always holds my hand. I asked him if something was wrong and he acted like it was a stupid question. Things were pretty much normal at their house. My curfew is 10, so we have to leave at 9:30. He acted like he was mad that he had to take me home. Anna chewed him out. I’m starting to think maybe he’s planning on breaking up with me.

It’s Saturday now though, so if nothing happens I’ll see how things go this Monday. I’ll see him at church tomorrow, but there, he doesn’t really act any different to me than he does anyone else. Which I understand, I guess. It’s church and you should be respectful. But still, he could walk me to my car or something.

I don’t know. I can’t stand feeling like I’m not important. I’ve had to deal with that my whole life from my family. I thought once I started dating, that I would finally get the affection that I’ve always longed for.

I’m the first girlfriend Samuel has ever had. He’s a shy, quiet, sweet guy. His Mom raised him alone. Our church is who they consider their family because they don’t have any actual family other than his Grandmother that lives next door to them. I just wish he wasn’t so awkward.

Is it just me? Am I expecting too much too fast? Am I too needy? Too clingy? I wish I had someone I could talk to about this stuff that could actually give me good advice. My friends all either say to dump him (which I’ve considered) or have s*x(which we are NOT ready for). So they aren’t much help. My aunts are blabber mouths, so I don’t want to talk to them because then my parents would be told everything. And that’s just embarrassing.

On top of the Samuel stuff, my very best friend couldn’t make it to my party. She had to work. Growing up must suck. I’m not allowed to have a job until I’m 18. Which, to me is good and bad at the same time. I’d like to have one to have my own money. But then again, it would take time away from being able to focus on school, and since I don’t have my license, it would cause extra stress for my Mom because she would have to drop me off and pick me up.

Tomorrow my birthday will be over. Maybe I will wake up and not be so disappointed. Hopefully it’ll be just another ridiculous day in the Hanes house.

*Mandy*