Life After Loss

Chapter 3

The best part of my day was making it home, stashing my bike away on the side of the house and entering without some old man’s voice yelling about how my night was. Pops knew I biked to Dahlia’s house late at night. If I didn’t, the poor girl would assume I was not interested in our relationship. I was very interested in our relationship…things just weren’t lining up right now. I wanted to call her, but I threw my phone on my bed and left it there. I went back into the kitchen, grabbed the large bag of Cheetos and retreated back to my room, door locked. The house would be silent until later in the evening when Pops came back home. His routine would be to cook, clean, and then watch his “old sitcoms” in the living room. He would knock on my door, he would greet me, we would discuss each other’s day and then return to our devices.

The new headset that Dahlia bought for me was useful, but they weren’t as expensive as the one I’ve had for the last few years. Not sure why she bought me another pair when I loved my old ones. I left my gifts at her place when I was in a hurry to leave.

Then, enter the best part of my day: Gaming.

Eliam and Joseph were already online. Mara didn’t get online until later in the morning. Most likely getting high all night and sleeping it off. “Yo!” I slipped on my trusty headset, turned them on, greeting two of my favorite people in the world. “What’s the word today?”

“Aye, Ferris!”

“Whaddup, lil dude?”

I rolled my eyes at Joseph. I was older than all of them and for some odd reason they enjoy making me feel like the small one. “How’s life? The baby keeping you awake still, Joseph?”

“She woke up at three a.m. today but right now she’s aight. She’s sleeping on my chest right now.” The way his voice was soft spoken was indication that the man was utterly in love with his daughter. She was the best thing that happened to him and we were proud of that.

“Yeah they’re cute at this age now but wait until she grows up. Gonna be terrorizing you for the rest of your life.” Eliam, the workaholic, was always a hater.

“Kids make your life fulfilling.” Joseph shot back.

“Correction, lil gremlins.”

“You know, I cannot wait until your ass knock some b***h up.”

“Nah fam, I’m snipped. No b***h can trap me. I’m making too much money.”

I laughed. “You really went through with that procedure?”

Eliam didn’t wait to respond, “Hell f*****g yeah!”

“What’s your vendetta against kids, bruh?” Joseph scoffed, just as his daughter could be heard crying in the background.

“Their existence.”

I had nothing to say when we all knew how Eliam was on his stance about family. He was a child of the system. His biological parents didn’t want him, he had too many foster parents that couldn’t deal with his behavior issues. A part of Eliam wanted a family but he was too scared. They would up and leave him too. While the two of them bickered, I tried to be the mediator and decided to change the subject. “Guess who finally got a job.” I was speaking it into existence even if I didn’t have the interview yet.

“You finally working?”

“Your dad stays on your ass about you not working.”

“It’s been like a year since you had a job, right?”

“I told your lil bum ass to work for me. I would have paid you good.”

I interrupted both of them. “Are yall done? Cause I don’t like being attacked.” I refrained from laughing. We started a game of Fortnite, my fingers skillfully pressing buttons and shooting targets. “I don’t know why everybody thinks it’s easy to find work in the IT field.”

“You coulda find something else until you had the opportunity to work in that field. Don't you get bills?”

“His b***h pays his bills.”

“Don't call Dahlia a bitch.”

“Don’t you got two of em? What’s the other one named?”

“I only have one girlfriend, Eliam.” I confirmed with a snort.

“The other broad that you be complaining about.” Eliam continued, “The one with money.”

Ximora.

Did I really complain about her much?

“Oh. Yeah.” Joseph laughed. “Did you ever figure out her problem? I bet all she needed was d**k to be nicer.”

How was I supposed to tell them that she was the one who provided me the job? They would never let me hear the end of it. My friends knew how I felt about Ximora too, so I decided to brush it off. “I barely talk to her. And no I am not interested in giving her d**k. She’s the one that seemed like she wanted to ride mine.”

This was my typical day for the last few months. Sleeping at Dahlia’s, coming home to play video games with my friends, might end up taking a nap in between, Pops would be home by then to chew my ear off, and then I’ll be back at Dahlia’s.

I texted Ximora. I want the job.

She wasted no time to respond back. There’s a polite word in the dictionary that you can use.

I can but I won’t.

Then you’ll be jobless.

How you gonna offer me this and take it back? What happened to charity?

Say please.

My pride always won in any situation. I was not about to bicker with this delusional brat right now. Besides, my attention was garnered by another notification from the woman that can happily distract me whenever she pleases.

Can you call me?

I didn’t text Dahlia back. I went to her contact name and I called her. The phone didn’t ring more than once when her voice floated in my ears like the sweetest song. “What can I do for you, boo?”

“I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. You left my house in a hurry. As usual.” The shade overshadowed the concern etched in her voice.

“I just wanted to be home to play the game.” I answered. It was the truth.

“That game will always be there, Ferris.”

And you will always be there, too. I wanted to respond back, but bit my tongue. “Ximora offered me a job because you told her that you were afraid I was getting too comfortable?” If we were going to argue about something, it wasn’t going to be able leaving her apartment early. I wanted an explanation as to why she was spreading my business.

“Ximora told you that?” Now she was playing dumb. “I don’t think I told her exactly that.”

“Well, how did it go, then? Because we spoke and she told me that she would help me get an interview but you told her that you felt I was getting too comfortable with not working.”

“No,” Dahlia drew out. “I said that I was scared that you were becoming too comfortable. I know how you can get during depression and it’s been a few months. You told me a few times how you are tired of your dad being on your case all the time.”

“But you know how I feel about Ximora. She’s the last person I’d ever want to know my business.”

“Why though?” Dahlia questioned. “You two were close friends.”

Things changed. I didn’t want to bank back on the history that Ximora and I shared with Dahlia. I knew my girlfriend was young and jealous. While she fronted that she was alright whenever Ximora and I were in the same vicinity, deep down, she was fuming if Ximora and I exchanged one word with each other. It was easy to talk to Ximora when Dahlia wasn’t breathing down my back. “Doesn’t matter. I would have found a job eventually.”

“Ximora was your best bet — Zinnia, stop that, let mommy do your hair — my bad, Zinnia doesn’t want her hair done.” Dahlia didn’t need to explain anything to me when it came to her daughter. I didn’t spend much time with Zinnia because she was always with someone else, but I knew she liked to give her mother a run for her money. “As I was saying, Ximora was your best bet because she’s skilled in getting people jobs.”

“That’s nice to know.” I sarcastically responded. “But you were gossiping about me. If I was in that conversation as well, then it would’ve been different.”

I imagined she was rolling her eyes at me because I heard her huff. “We weren’t gossiping about you, we were looking out for you.”

Before I could respond, my phone vibrated against my ear. I pulled it away to look at the notification of Ximora texting me.

Last call, rude boy.

“I don’t want you to feel like I’m rushing you. But whenever we are in bed, you’re talking big dreams. If you don’t start now, where are you going to start? It just feels like excuses…Zinnia’s dad messaged me to brag about how he’s making a lot with the corporate job —“

Please.

“Why are you talking to him? I thought we blocked him?”

Happy now?

“Ferris, you know I cannot block him. We have a child together — Zinnia, if you keep moving I’ll never get done with your hair.” In the background I could hear her whining about how she’s braiding too hard.

“He doesn’t even do anything for her.” I muttered. If anything, Zinnia would be better off with an absent father than an inconsistent one.

“Please, Ferris.” Dahlia’s exhausted sigh was clear. She never wanted to talk about her baby’s father. Not much to discuss regarding him anyway. I would kick his ass if Dahlia let me. “Are you coming over tonight?”

“Yeah, sure. You want me to bring food?”

“I can order something to the house.” Dahlia replied. “I’m going to see if my parents can babysit Zinnia before you come over.” I always had the urge to tell her that she didn’t have to let her kid be somewhere else if I was coming over. I liked family time. Dahlia made it clear when we started dating that there was a line between her kid and me. I was not to overstep those boundaries.

The phone conversation with Dahlia was cut short with a struggling Zinnia. Dahlia vowed to call me back when she straightened Zinnia out, but I told her not to worry about it. I was about to check out for a nap.

I hated waking up when pops entered the house. He hated when I was waking up because he feels that there was always something to do other than lounging in my room. Truth is, there probably was but maybe I wasn’t in the mood to do it. Soon as I heard that knock, my eyes shot opened. One arm hanging off the bed, going up to wipe the excess slob from the corner of my mouth. “Yeah?”

“Why is this door locked, Ferris?!” I hear him loud and clear from the other side. “What are you doing in there?”

“Pops, calm down.” I groggily respond, slowly sitting up in my bed and stretching my arms above my head. I pushed myself up to unlock the door, greeted by a shorter, balding look-alike of me. “I fell asleep. I didn’t know it was locked.” I yawned.

“No more locked doors!” He reprimanded me, jabbing his finger into my chest. “You were sleep? You wasted sunlight to sleep? Don’t you know —“

“There’s plenty of things to get done.” I finished for him. “Yeah, I know.” I wanted to respect my father so I tried to tone it down with the attitude. The old man has been through so much and that was evident by the wrinkles on his face. They say black don’t crack, but he was the epitome that black do, indeed, crack. I refuse to believe I was the one to blame. This man has experienced heartbreak too many times in his life.

“The kitchen ain’t clean, floors haven’t been vacuumed or mopped —“

“It’s not Thursday.” I interjected. Thursdays were deep cleaning days and only on Thursdays the floors were mopped.

“You ain’t got no job! How do you know what day it is? All you do is eat and sleep in that room. When was the last time you showered?” And this was the reason why I escaped to Dahlia’s every night. To avoid confrontation with my dad. “See Desirae is doing really well. I wish you would take pointers from her. She’s going on vacation soon. Heading to Mykonos, Greece.”

“All Desi do is waste her money on expensive trips.”

“She has a good job that allows her to do that. Hop on that bandwagon.”

Whatever. “Well, next time you talk to her, tell her to stop ignoring Paisley.”

“Your mother has been trying to get in contact with Desirae? I talk to her almost everyday.”

“Then tell your pride and joy that there are other people that exist in this world.” I wouldn’t have snapped if pops hadn't snapped at me first. I wanted to tell him that I got a job — I have this wonderful opportunity, but then he went off on me! It made me angry enough to just brush it off. I’ll prove the old man wrong that his daughter is not better than his son. My sister might have gotten lucky in life, but that doesn’t mean he should push me to the side. I know he’s tired of me. I wish he would tell me to leave. Instead he wants me to stay because he doesn’t want to be lonely.

I wish he wouldn’t tell me to leave. Instead I want to stay because I have nowhere else to go.