Life After Loss

Chapter 1

I graduated a month ago, and my girlfriend was still doing over-the-top celebrations. Obtaining my degree was a huge deal to me (a month ago!) but now the excitement has faded away. Going through school had its moments, but now the real trouble was landing a job in my field of expertise. I didn’t want Dahlia thinking I was ungrateful for everything she was doing. She was a great girlfriend with potential wife traits, but I was living in my own little world of what I envisioned for my future. Did I see her in my future? Do I tail her along or just get rid of her so she could pursue something better? Part of my brain knew it was harsh to let her go. It was also selfish to not let her go. We have been dating for almost a year now and I knew she loved me beyond measure. She’s told me multiple times that she would fight for our relationship until her last breath. It sounded obsessive, downright creepy, and clingy, but I never had to question her loyalty towards me. This was what I wanted in a woman.

Unfortunately, I’m battling with personal struggles that I do not want to involve her in. Whenever I look at Dahlia, she’s this incredible girl. She’s beautiful in every way imaginable. From the way she wakes up beside me, the way she takes care of her daughter, the way she takes care of me, and most importantly? Whenever we are out, I notice the stares that she attracts. It brushes my ego because I had a woman that every man wished they had. Dahlia’s figure was immaculate. She was average height, curvy, delectable in every sense. From her slanted, brown eyes with the long lashes that she enhances every few weeks to the childbearing hips and cellulite on her thighs that made her look particularly delicious whenever she’s sashaying in a romper or jumper.

Despite her being attractive in a physical manner, the idle thoughts of living my life without baggage often crosses it. Dahlia has taken care of me since we’ve started dating. She always went over and beyond with anything to do with me and I thought it was the sweetest thing. I would be dumb to let this woman slip from my fingers. I did not care too much for the kid, however Zinnia was an extension of her mother. If I loved her mother, I had to learn to love her. I just thought it would be better if the father was more involved in the kid’s life. Or that Dahlia thought more smarter than to get pregnant by the guy after only knowing him for a short period of time. That’s a different story though. We’ve been together for almost a year and she has failed to give me a baby.

These wandering thoughts needed to cease. Focus on living in the moment. Right now, Dahlia prepared a beautiful date night. When I arrived at her apartment, the lights were dim, there were rose petals scattered about, the television had netflix ready, and there was dinner on the small coffee table with a bottle of wine. She coaxed me over tonight with the promises of us having her place to ourselves because her daughter would be with her grandmother. Along with cooking my favorite meal: Steak and fettuccine alfredo. I didn’t have anything to offer in return so I promised myself that I would break her back tonight in the way she loved it the most.

‘’I got you some gifts.’’ She announced. Her pretty self left the kitchen to greet me in the front room when I used my key. She wrapped my arms around my neck, mine around her back, and we kissed a few times. Very slowly. Sensually. She didn’t pull away and I kept coming back for more.

‘’You got me some gifts?’’ I repeated, softly. ‘’Why are you always buying me something?’’

A little giggle escaped her lips. ‘’Because! I like to buy you things.’’ She smirked, ‘’But also because you graduated. I cannot believe you graduated college. I remember when you were so stressed out about finals and everything and yet you graduated with a 3.8 G.P.A. We both knew you were smart and could do it.’’

‘’I like how you acknowledge my accomplishments.’’

‘’Well, one of us needs to be the breadwinner. You already know I just want to be a stay-at-home wife and mom. I’m tired of working.’’ She snorted. I knew it was true. We spoke about it numerous times of our dreams. She did not have much desire to achieve anything except a ring on her finger and a stepdaddy for her kid. She was tired of working dead-end jobs. Then she met me and regarded me as a saint. Admittedly, I planted promises in her head that I wanted a traditional life. I want my woman to stay home to care for the house and kids, and I want to be the breadwinner and provider.

‘’Your job is stressing you again?’’ I questioned with a raised brow. Dahlia worked at a fragrance retail store as a salesperson. For the last few months, the place has gone under new management and Dahlia was not getting along with the new managers. She always said she was going to leave that job, but she had a kid to care for.

Dahlia groans, ‘’Just the other day, she told me that I needed a bigger uniform because my figure looked inappropriate in the size I was in. How is it my fault? She complains that I hold conversations too long with the customers, but it is not my fault that they love talking to me! I’m amazing and she’s just jealous.’’

‘’Of course she is, babe.’’

‘’Then she has the nerve to try to give me pointers on how I can make my sales less chatty so operations can run smoothly. It is like she’s purposely messing with me because she does not do this to Ximora.’’

I rolled my eyes, ‘’I wonder why it’s not the other way around. Ximora is annoying as a bitch.’’

‘’Leave Ximora alone.’’ I expected Dahlia to defend that girl. That was Dahlia’s only friend. I used to regard her as my friend. If it wasn’t for Ximora, I would have never been with Dahlia, but ever since Dahlia and I started dating, I regarded Ximora as a pest in my relationship. ‘’Anyway,’’ A long sigh escaped her lips. ‘’I just want to relax for the night and make it all about the man I love.’’ She sang, a bright smile appearing on her lips as she resumed kissing me again.

I hummed in approval, ‘’Yeah, just focus on me. I’ll take care of you.’’

I was lucky that Dahlia never asked for much. As much as I knew she was high maintenance, in so many ways she showed that she was low maintenance. Her exes warranted her to treat men with difficulty, but she’s given me a chance and she spoils me. She made streak and alfredo just the way I liked it. She bought me a couple gifts; a pair of shoes that I’ve been debating on getting, a new headset for my game console, a few sweatshirts, and some more cards that exclaim how much she is proud of me. We had netflix in the background, but I focused on her all night to make sure she knew her efforts were appreciated. She went over and beyond for me to show me that I was enough for her.

When the night has concluded, the lingering thought of her not being enough for me envelops my mind once again.

I swiped my card to pay for my breakfast. Coffee and a bagel with cream cheese. Something light yet satisfying. I didn’t have too much of an appetite anyway. I wanted to get bigger to pack on muscles, but my frame was lanky and my head was clouded with thoughts that I couldn’t focus on getting my nutrition together. Dahlia offered to fix breakfast before I headed out, but I always made a choice to leave before seven in the morning. I wanted to be home, and as much as I loved her company, she understood that I liked personal space. It did not stop her from getting pouty with me, I just avoided looking at her expression whenever I head out the door. The nearest cafe was a few blocks, an easy walk for a guy that lacked a vehicle. I had pulled my bike in, locked it in place, then sat down in a chair near the window so that I could eat and think without interruption.

What was I going to do from this point forward? At least in college, I was working towards something, but now I was in reality. The adult world that I needed to start a career that my major cost thousands for. I was adept with technology, I have an affinity for computers and software, but what place was hiring with someone with little to no experience except classroom? The idea of interning was on my mind, but most places I’ve crossed were contracted and ideal for students still in college. What about those that graduated?

My mother was not much help. The woman recently came back in my life after a period of absence. I almost forgot how she looked if it wasn’t for my dad keeping loads of pictures of her. I suggested he burn them multiple times but it only got me hit in the back of the head for the disrespect. It’s not like she loved me. She wanted a career more than her own child. I had half the mind to leave the cafe if I knew I wasn’t meeting the dumb b***h here in the next hour and a half. I hated her with every fiber of my being. Not many children hold vendettas against their mother, but mine was pathetic.

I sipped my coffee, believing that meeting up with my mother couldn’t be any worse until that chime at the door binged when a new customer came in. There she stood, always dressed as if she was walking out of a magazine. As soon as my eyes landed on her, they stayed there. She didn’t notice me in the corner. She had been glued to her phone as she approached the line. She turned her device to show the barista her order. Then the barista went to retrieve the pick up order for her. Ximora turned on her heel and I thought I was in the clear for her to walk out, but then her eyes met mine. I didn’t know what I was doing when my hand went up to beckoned her over to my area.

‘’Good morning, Mr. Rayland.’’ She greeted me in a chipper manner, but if I wasn’t mistaken, it sounded amorous. ‘’Enjoying your breakfast?’’

‘’As much as you will be.’’ I nodded towards her. ‘’You got time to chit chat for a little bit or are you in a hurry?’’

‘’Depends on the topic.’’ She shrugged. ‘’If it’s relationship issues because you’re always leaving Dahlia’s house so early in the morning, it has nothing to do with me --’’

‘’She told you that?’’

‘’Got off the phone with her a couple minutes ago.’’

The thing about Ximora was that I found her wildly attractive. She was a bit shorter than my girlfriend, her hair was always in wild kinky curls that stopped just below her neck, and she was slender and toned. Her skin was dark, and the way the sunlight showed through the windows, it made her appear golden. She was calculating and intelligent whereas my girlfriend lacked brain cells. She was still in college, working towards two degrees, and she was operating her own business along with working at the same retail store that my girlfriend was at. She had her own place, three vehicles, and her own sense of style. She wasn’t the definition of beauty standards according to society like my girlfriend was considered, but there was something about her that I couldn’t pinpoint…she wasn’t my ideal woman because she wasn’t submissive. She was too independent and quite frankly? Her fireball attitude was what kept me around and yet away from her. I preferred control over my relationships. I had that control over Dahlia, but Ximora would flip that control. That’s why I hated her.

‘’Not sure why she has a problem with me wanting my own space sometimes. I’m at her place more than I’m at mine.’’

Ximora scoffed and she delicately sat down in the seat opposite of mine. My eyes glanced down at her toned legs as one crossed over the other in an elegant manner. ‘’It’s not like you have anything better to do. You graduated like, what, three months ago? And you still ain’t go no job.’’

‘’Ah, you had to go there?’’ I threw back, a little annoyed that she was bringing my lack of occupation up. ‘’Just for you to know, I apply to places, and they do not get back to me within a day, Ms. Lanridge.’’

‘’Mcdonalds will.’’ She sipped her coffee and smirked. Ugh, I hate this woman. ‘’Don’t take it as an insult. Just trying to make sure you keep up with your income.’’

‘’Don’t worry about my income.’’

‘’You don’t even have an income to worry about.’’

‘’Why did I invite you over here just for you to terrorize me?’’

Then she started laughing a little bit, reaching up a hand to cover her mouth. She had the cutest little snicker but her voice was so high pitched and annoying. ‘’Don’t take it to heart, Rayland. I know how tough it can be when you’re finally out of school and now you have to keep looking for entry level positions since you technically only have classroom experience to provide…it’s not impossible though.’’

‘’Easy for you to say. You have a job and a business. What’s the point of even being in school if you are already making good money?’’ That’s what I didn’t understand about Ximora. She wasn’t a workaholic and usually complained about being tired from working for other people. She recently started up a business, an aspiring career coach. The girl had crazy connections and access to resources that made her a valuable asset. She was making good money from working with two or three clients for a few months. Anyone would think it made sense for me to use her resources as I’m struggling in that department, but I rather lick the bottom of a dirty shoe than to ever use her services.

Ximora waved me off, brushing my question off with a shrug. She could provide herself with a lavish life but that came with a huge price. She was lonely. No man wanted to feel inferior to their woman. I imagine cobwebs between her legs. No matter how beautiful they were. It was crickets. ‘’Listen here, Rayland.’’ She scooted forward in her seat. I remained perched where I was. ‘’I wouldn’t extend my services to you if birds weren’t tweeting in my ear…consider this my charity for the year, but I know a good company that would be willing to work with you.’’ She announced, her dark brown eyes bore into mine and I was just trying to locate the sincerity behind them. She continued, ‘’Since I didn’t give you a graduation gift, consider me helping you land this job a good gift for you.’’ Not that I was expecting her to give me anything. She’s done things in the past for me before I got serious with Dahlia. We had been close friends…sometimes I missed her. Sometimes I feel like I fumbled any scenario that could be about us. ‘’Take it or leave it. You got five seconds.’’ Then I recall how strong-willed she was that turned me off.

‘’You didn’t even explain the job to me.’’

‘’I don’t think you are in any position to ask about the job, considering you are in need of one.’’

‘’You expect me to just blindly walk into this? I’m not an i***t, Ximora.’’ Even though I laughed, the use of her actual name caught her attention. I only used it if I was getting a bit pissed off, and she knew this. Whenever we used our last names with each other, it was almost like a term of endearment, in a peculiar way. That’s when Ximora shifted her position.

‘’Fine.’’ Ximora relented after a stare down, whether she was contemplating taking all cards off the table and leaving me there to ponder my mistakes when it came to her. Ximora was not an evil person, she had a heart. I didn’t think it was made of gold. Maybe brass, at most, but she cared about me. She came to my rescue plenty of times in the past. There were moments she let me use one of her vehicles for an extended amount of time whenever I needed it, she’s fed me on occasions even though her food was not nearly as salivating as Dahlia’s, but she also gave me advice from time to time that I tried to take to heart. I was jealous that she was always one step ahead of me. ‘’The job is what you are looking for. It’s entry-level and you will work with a mentor to level up. Dahlia was concerned that you were getting too comfortable without working and she wasn’t sure what your game plan was so she came to me. --’’

‘’Is she paying you to do this?’’ Because Ximora did not do things for free.

Ximora made a face as if I insulted her. ‘’Of course not. Did I not just tell you to consider this my charity for the year? If you want it, I can get in contact with one of the executives to schedule an interview with you. The company is a small tech corporation and you will start off as an IT Support Technician for them. Now if you do not…’’

‘’I did not say all that now. I’m thinking about it.’’ I interrupted her. As much as I hate receiving anything from her, this sounded like a good opportunity for me to start. The thought that Dahlia reached out to Ximora rubbed me the wrong way. It felt like she didn’t believe in me or that she was being impatient with me.

‘’Well, try to hurry up the thought process. I can make you a priority but I cannot stop other people from applying. The quicker the sooner.’’ She advised even though the only thing on my mind was acquiring this job and running up my bank. Ximora got up from her seat, dusting off her dress from invisible particles.

I looked up at her, ‘’You said this is your charity for the year, but I know I owe you a favor…’’ Because Ximora did not just do nice things. Not when it involves me.

‘’You’ll know when I call for it.’’ She responds. She starts to walk out with my eyes hounding her down. I hate to watch her go, but I love to watch her leave.