Finding Myself Again

“Let’s break up,” were the words I heard as soon as my boyfriend sat in front of me inside our favorite meeting spot. The smile that adorned my face when I saw him disappeared. I was stunned. My mind immediately thought of all the things I did, trying to make a conjecture on the reason why he said those words. Did I do something wrong? Did I mention anything inappropriate? Have I forgotten something important? I tried to restrain my thoughts and emotions. I tried to be as calm as possible and asked, “Why?” “It’s not you. It’s me,” he said without looking at me. He did not even attempted to elaborate what it is that he’s talking about. So, I asked again, “Why?” “I’m just tired of this. I want to get out.” Those are not the words I expected to hear. I wanted to hear explanations. I wanted to know what happened, if ever I did something wrong. His answers made me confused. I lifted the glass of water in front of me to drink as an attempt to be calm. “Why?”, I asked again. This time anybody could hear my voice trembled. It seems like the glass of water was not effective. This time, he looked at me. I could see the impatience he was trying to hide. “What? You’re going to keep asking me that?” He asked sarcastically. I looked at him, puzzled at why he was asking me with those words. “Did I do something wrong?”, I asked. When he heard what I said, he started laughing which made me even more confused. Is this a laughing matter? When he calmed down from laughing, he looked at me and said, “Ah, you’re so naive. You did not even think that I was just in a relationship with you because I wanted to play with you?” I was dumbfounded. “What do you mean? You just wanted to play with me?” “So, our 3 years of relationship was just playing for you?” He sneered. “What? Did you think that I was really in love with you? Someone like you who has no parents, who needed to work as hard as a cow, and someone who always think they’re wise beyond their age?” He then started laughing mockingly. I was stunned beyond words of what he said. I looked at him, wondering what he really is to me who was both familiar and unfamiliar. It was then that it clicked to me: he was unfamiliar. Always have, and always will. Because everything I thought I knew about him were all lies. I just did not notice it. And with that realization, his figure blurred. “You’re crying?,” He asked sarcastically. I did not answer him. I hang my head down as I shed tears. He continued talking but I cannot hear him anymore. My mind is in chaos at the moment. For all those years that I felt I finally have someone with me, that I will not be alone anymore, that I worked so hard everyday to be deserving of someone who is as amazing as him - those were just a result of a play, a wishful thinking of a naive girl. I wanted to laugh. But I can’t. All I can do is cry. Cry for my broken heart. My efforts. My hopes.