Snow Cover

Chapter 2 Building Confidence

Julia's POV

These intrusive and very negative thoughts won't seem to go away and when I finally get them out of my head, it doesn't seem to stay away forever. They always come back one way or another and are making me feel worse about the things that I haven't accomplished for myself in my life just yet. So I decided to switch things up, since what I have been doing isn't working as well for my life as I was hoping it would.

I have changed my ideas from just things I have been coming up with on my own, while now trying to take advice from the people I have read about or heard giving advice online. Especially since, at the moment, I don't really have anyone to talk to besides my roommate, and she has even agreed with this advice. So, the advice consists of when most people don't like how their life is going, and hate being alone, that they make changes to it and hope for the absolute best results from those positive changes in their lives. So, I have decided that I will apply that seemingly easy logic to my life.

Since I finally love myself, I know now that I can bring someone else into my life to appreciate and love me the way that I deserve. Besides, I have been single for far too long, and I don't like it at all anymore. I feel that I need to change this for myself, since I am the only one who can make that change. It will be hard, but I know that I can do it... At first, and for a while, I loved being single and enjoyed all of my time on my own, doing everything that I wanted, when I wanted. But the longing in my heart for something more than this is just too strong to ignore anymore.

I'm so tired of being stuck in my own head, and all alone. I just want someone to be there with me every day willingly, to share our feelings with one another, to talk about our day-to-day stresses, knowing that we are getting stronger with that significant other, all the while knowing full well that I will be ok, no matter what stresses may arise, because I have a great man at my side. So, when the days are long and tough, I will survive because I have the man I always dreamed of there with me through thick and thin.

That's the newest goal in my life and I can't wait to find it. I never thought I would be wanting for this ever in my life, but as time has gone on, I have been noticing more and more how alone I really am in this life and how much I really don't appreciate it like I used to, no matter how many times I said I did. I think those words were not only said to convince the people around me that I liked the life I was living, but also to convince myself that I am not as lonely as I feel and that it is ok to be alone.. And for some, it is.. But I have slowly discovered that it's not the life for me.

I can't have my life and unhappiness stay this way if I want to have something to strive for, something to lean on and something to help make my days feel better. I know that this person that I will eventually choose won't be the one controlling my happiness, but I feel this is something that would contribute greatly to my future happiness.. And for me.. That's all I want is to be happy, so for me to gain this said happiness, I have to go out and find it on my own.

The very hard part for myself is that I know it won't happen for me when I always choose to be by myself every chance I get. Men wanting a relationship and yearning to be with me don't just pop out of the woodwork because I deem it so. Things have to change in my daily routine for me to get what I want for the rest of my life. So, I have made an uncomfortable change to my life because it takes me out of my comfort zone and into the world that I had to reluctantly admit that I need at the moment. I have made the decision to put myself out there in the dating scene.

Which is much harder than I had originally anticipated. Most of the men that swiped on me in these apps are not interested in me and who I am as a person whatsoever, they just wanted a fun and exciting night filled with s*x and nothing more.. But I want more.. much more. So that doesn't work for me in the slightest and makes this much harder than it needs to be. I know that I can be a great partner when given the chance. It just hasn't happened for me yet. I'll just keep my search going for a great man, and hopefully, I will find someone worth my time and effort. Making this hard work all worth the hassle.

I nervously nodded to myself in the reflection of my full-length mirror. I have to keep telling myself that all of this is going to be worth it, when I finally get someone who wants what I do and is willing to work just as hard for it as I am. I keep nodding continuously like a little bobble head trying to convince myself that this is the right thing to do. The reassurance in this moment is more about convincing me not to cancel the date that I am incredibly nervous about. But I won't let myself cancel. I know it's for my own good.. No matter how terrified and nervous I may feel before it has even started.

I use my hands to fluff the bottom of my flowy dress that is in arms-length as I rotate to get a better look at myself from all angles. The dress twirls with each move that I make, causing it to look almost effortless. I keep looking at every angle that I possibly can, noticing how my curves will appear in my favorite teal dress to wear out. I have not had a reason to wear it out for so long and I feel even remotely better knowing that I have an actual reason to be wearing it.

I almost questioned wearing it since it shows a good amount of skin, and it is the winter time, but we haven't had much of the cold weather show up in our area just yet. Only the lower temperatures but not any snow yet, just frost. So this dress should be fine because it is not showing an excessive amount of skin. Besides, I'm not trying to show off too much, but just enough to make sure that everyone knows that I am here to impress. I don't want to give the wrong idea about myself, but I want to be memorable at the same time.

I smile at the woman in the reflection staring back at me, now fluffing my long, dark curls that are drifting down and framing my glowing face, from the make-up and happiness within myself. I'm proud that I am taking this step because I know how hard this really is for me. So much so that my heart feels as if it will beat out of my chest and flutter away at any moment. I take a couple of deep breathes to calm my rapidly beating heart as I feel my smile growing across my features while I really check out my beautifully finished results.

Why shouldn't I appreciate how I look when it took me hours to accomplish it? I love this look, I feel absolutely amazing and want to conquer the world after all of my hard work is said and done. I don't even care if no one else likes the way I look because all I know is that I do, but I do hope that he appreciates the effort put in by me for him and this date. This is the fourth date that I have been on with this same guy, which has been different for me, especially since most of the men I have dated haven't wanted more than just the first date when it comes to seeing me.

But he seems different and very interesting, enough so to keep me coming back to know more about him. The couple of dates I have been on with him has helped me to get to know a person I didn't think I would find on a dating website.. He seems generous, kind and insightful. He has been well liked by everyone we have come into contact with. We both have some things in common, being an only child and losing parents early in life. Even being alone most of our lives until getting out on our own.

So that is nice, because not many people can relate to something traumatic like that. He seems very nice and charming to not just me but everyone around, which is harder than you would think to find. He hasn't even pushed things with me s*xually, which is nice because with other men, that's what I usually get on the first date, it is just pushiness and impatience to get to my body, which isn't amazing by any means, but I guess when you're desperate for that kind of attention you would just accept anything.

So, since that's not what I'm looking for in my relationships, I didn't see any of those other men again. Which makes this a little harder because no other man has made it this far into dating me... except for my date tonight. So I am happy about what he has shown me thus far. He, John, asked me yesterday if he could take me out tonight because he really wants to see me and has something he wants to ask me.

His words surprised me slightly. I mean I was happy at the idea of seeing him again.. But.. My mind is reeling, just wondering what he has to ask, but I can assume to a certain point.. Maybe what he wants to ask is to be official, to be his girlfriend.. If that's the case, then I don't know what I would say. But.. Honestly, the desperation for companionship is hitting me much harder lately. So, because of this, I think I would say yes just to give it a try, since you never know until you try.. And he seems nice enough, but we don't have a ton in common with our interests. But that doesn't mean that we can't create something for us to have in common and do together, right?

I don't know. But right now, with how things have been for me in this dating scene, I don't see why I can't give him a chance. I don't have much else in my life that could give me love anyway. My parents died years ago, and I am the only child, so there is not much to experience in the family-life scene.. But I do have a couple of friends that I still talk to occasionally.. I don't get to see them anymore, we just mostly text. So I'm trying my best to build any type of relationship that I can for my own sanity and just hoping for a good result this time around.

I sit down on the edge of my bed, leaning forward as I reach down to my feet, making sure the straps on my heels are tight enough but not too tight. So I shouldn't gain any sores on my feet from tonight. My date, John, said we will be going downtown, which means that we most likely will have to walk a little because any parking in that area is always packed with cars. So I am just trying to look good while still being prepared as much as I can.

Knocking echoes through the apartment, coming from the front door, taking me out of my thoughts as I let out a deep breath. I stood up probably a little too quickly since I feel a wave of lightheadedness hitting me.. Maybe that's the nervousness getting to me, but either way, I have to breathe and calm myself down before I even go near the door. I turn and go straight to the bathroom, taking some deep breathes. Once I feel better, I swipe my favorite glass bottle into my hand, giving myself a spray of my musky, sweet perfume.

I let out another deep breath with my eyes locked on my frame in the mirror in front of me, seeing how beautiful I really look. It's hard to think about myself like that sometimes, but I put so much effort into it tonight, that I couldn't help but to think about how stunning I look. I smiled again, letting the happiness consume me as I left my room before turning towards my front room as I strutted to the front door, grabbing my jacket that was hung right beside it. Let's get this date started.