Snow Cover

Julia's POV Insanity in everyday life is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. This specific insanity is something that has not evaded me. It has been constantly haunting my life, and I was blind to it, not realizing the pain and torture I was putting myself through. I have been experiencing this self-developed insanity for far too many years, that I had apparently become accustomed to it, not seeing the flaws in me or my mistakes. All the while, I was blaming the fact that I was not receiving the results I wanted for my life, on everything else but myself. When, in all reality, I am the main factor in things changing in my life, if I want them to change. Sadly, none of the flaws, nor my mistakes were even noticeable to my fogged mind. It was as if I could do no wrong, when everyone in their right mind knew that this was not possible. I was leaving my mind in that incredibly thick fog, being distracted by my work, friends, and life in general, since it seemed to be at an all-time high for myself. So, because of this, I was not paying attention to what I should have been doing within my life at all, getting myself something more substantial that could last for the rest of my life. Instead, I was relying on things that made me feel good but never lasted long. The fun one-night stands, the work friendships, and the girl's nights out that made me feel amazing and kept me distracted while going at a very fast pace, with no motivation to even remotely look back. That is until the rug was pulled out from under me by everything changing around me in an instant, from losing my job because of the company closing down from bankruptcy. Which I knew I couldn't control, so I won't beat myself up for that, it was just unexpected and hit me incredibly harder than I ever thought it could. Then straight to losing my friends and even my roommate because they had moved far away for their jobs or gained families with their significant others and needed to concentrate on them. Which was amazing for them, but I lost my friends, confidants and 'wing-women' all in one swoop. It was very hard for me to adjust to, even though I understood and empathized with them, knowing why everything happened the way that it did, while also knowing how good this change could be for them. Just because this was great and just what they needed to jump-start their lives, doesn't mean that it was any easier on me mentally. I never told them that fact either. I would feel terrible if I ever made them feel guilty for doing something great for themselves. So, I never wanted to object to what they felt that they needed in their lives. I just found out the hard way with these changes that it wasn't going to be involving me anymore. Like a upper cut to the face, I quickly found out that I wasn't a permanent part of my friend's lives, or who I thought was family's, lives. It was a hard pill to swallow for me, but I wasn't ignorant. I could see this was good for them and that there wasn't any room for me in this vision of their lives, except to be the person that they occasionally call or text. I understood that, knowing that things are always changing around me and that they may not benefit me. But I didn't let these thoughts stop me from telling them that I am proud of them and only wanted what was best for them. Sadly, that best for them, ended up taking them away from me, which hurt me so badly. I never had much in the first place, being a group-homed loner and all. It has taken me many years to be able to gain the circle of friends I had, and it seemed like in an instant it was taken away, and I was all alone again. I was used to being alone, so you would think that it wouldn't be too hard for someone to go back to that life when they have been around that for many years before this drastic change. But when you find yourself getting used to the companionship of friends and regularity of work, it's hard to go back to not having any of that structure in your life, as if none of it existed in the first place. So what did I do in response to all the changes occurring around me? I instantly reverted into myself, letting the depression take over, making me feel like I wasn't enough to keep my job nor my friends, which also made me feel like I wouldn't be enough for anything more than a one-night stand. Since I had my friends helping me out and setting me up with their friends or helping me get out there in the dating scene, with nothing good resulted from it. Well, nothing good that lasted longer than a night. It was as if I was only good for a couple of hours and nothing more. I never understood why I couldn't have what they had, and find someone good for me that wanted so much more with me. But I just couldn't find that person. So, when I lost what I did have, that was good within my life, I found myself just adjusting to the life of living alone once again. I stayed home alone and refused to go out or do anything, not to even look for a job. It was a very hard time in my life. As the depression kept getting worse within me, it was hard to ignore the fact that the bills were really piling up, adding to the hills of stress I already had under me. Now adding a bigger stress of being kicked out of this place that I have known as my home for many years on top of the other stresses. The weight of the stresses was very hard to get out from under. But all I knew was that I couldn't ignore it any longer. I was able to acquire the strength I needed to get my *ss out of bed and start applying for jobs, just around the area, because I wasn't going to go too far out of my comfort zone, since I was too afraid of getting overwhelmed or even hurt once again. But I also knew that this was something that needed to happen to make sure I wasn't out on the streets soon enough, because my savings that I have been surviving off of can only last so long. After a long search and talking with some managers in multiple nearby areas, I got myself a new job. It's not at the level I was before with my executive assistant corporate job, but at least I have a job that makes enough to survive off of, and I have never been above restaurant jobs. It's what has always helped bring my *ss out of the fire in the past, and will always be my fall-back job when I'm having trouble. I have always had a knack for bartending gigs and easily picked up recipes while quickly getting the drinks out, so acquiring a job in this area was never that hard for me. Which I couldn't be any more grateful for because it ended up helping with my self-esteem by putting myself out there to make the money I needed and talking with people as I do so. As much as I hate admitting it, I needed this very much, and it ended up putting a new roommate in my sights, since we worked together. We easily found out about each other's situations, that she was looking for a new place like I was looking for a new roommate. It was very serendipitous, as if life brought us together, before I lost the place all together. So, after getting a new job and a new roommate, things have been progressing for me, slowly but surely. But that hasn't changed what I was doing within my life too much, because I am still keeping to myself as much as you can with a roommate that you have to see and talk to at some point. I stay reserved as much as I can, just afraid to get close to anyone else again because I would probably get hurt.. again. So, after a couple of years of this same routine, I have learned to just stay alone and take care of my bills and place, while slowly working on myself. By keeping to myself, never going out to make friends or meeting up with anyone, whether they are old or new in my life. Because if I can't enjoy my own company, then whose company can I enjoy? I have been building love for myself within myself and, for once in my life, I don't hate who I am. I love the person I have become. The strong woman who has brought myself out of the slump to create a better life for me, and I couldn't be more proud because I am doing this. Yes, I wasn't socializing like I used to, but that was because I knew that I needed to prioritize my mental health over all else. So, I just went to work and came home, and for me at the time, it was enough to sustain me mentally. Mostly because I didn't think I could handle much more than that and was too afraid to even try. I would like to tell myself that maybe, at least at the time, I really couldn't handle any of that, and that staying away was what was best for me. That was until I was starting to notice that maybe it wasn't the healthiest for me because I wouldn't even talk to anyone unless I had to at work, and believe me, that just consisted of small talk and nothing more substantial than that. That was the same for everyone I came into contact with, even my roommate. I only talked with her when it was needed and sometimes sporadically when we had the opportunity to talk, but that didn't happen too often when we worked opposite shifts from one another. After a long time of getting to know the person I truly am while just keeping to myself. I could feel myself sinking further and further into the depressing darkness that always seemed to be around me like quicksand. It never fully let me go, no matter how much I did for myself, and I just kept sinking into it further, to the point that it seemed like there was nothing there to stop me from letting it consume me completely. But I don't want that for myself, I want to be completely happy within my life. When I figured this out, I started to open my eyes to the realization that my life thus far had turned out to be a toxic routine that was embedded in my head. Yes, I was creating a love for myself that did help, but that alone time was also creating a loneliness in my mind that was hard to get away from. I started to think about it in detail, like through a microscope, and that's when I figured out that it was poisoning my mind while numbing me on the inside from any people or feelings that could harm me. So sadly enough, after a long period of time, it started to feel like it may be too late to fix the damage I was causing to myself without even realizing it. With me getting far too used to being alone and stuck in my own thoughts, which can be terrifying when you're stuck in a deep dark place that you might not be able to get yourself out of, it has seemed to be too hard to come back from. But I don't want to be too far gone, and I won't let myself be destined to be alone forever. So I have decided that I can use this pain to my advantage, like I probably should have done in the first place. To use it to help me grow, instead of letting it continue to cripple me like it has been doing for a while now. But hindsight is always 20/20 and makes everyone feel like they are not doing what they should be. But no matter what, I know now, and I can confidently say that, after many years of depression, that I know it is not too late for me and my happiness to grow, getting what I want and deserve. It has taken me a long time to figure this out for myself, but I do know that I'm a strong, capable woman that deserves happiness. The hard part about trying to change this for myself, is that no matter what I do to try to change, the feeling of depressing thoughts keeps knocking at the door in the back of my mind. It's always there whispering to me the endless thoughts about my age increasing, while time decreases. But I don't want the intrusive thoughts to win, time is not running out for my happiness. I feel like I can still get it.