Snow Cover

Chapter 28 No Judgement

Julia's POV

I clear my throat and try to stop this situation from igniting again by stepping back from him as I address what hasn't left my mind whatsoever. "John.. I.. Um.. I think I want to go check things out over there.. At the crime scene." I softly say this, pointing towards the window while turning away from him. I distract myself and him, by walking past him and over to my discarded towel, picking it up to use on my head, trying to dry my hair and get myself out of this situation that I am not comfortable with at the moment.

I was hoping that trying to make this nonchalant would help him feel ok about this situation and what I plan to do. But as I look over at him, I can see his head shaking. "No." he just says this as if he can tell me what to do. He is not my boss, he is barely my date at this rate. "Well, that really doesn't matter.. I am my own person and make my own decisions.. So, yes.. I am going." I retort with force behind my words this time, making sure he knows I am going.

"You will not. Because I say so." he demands again as I scoff at that comment. "I am going John.. I will be fine to just go out the door where all the police are.. Nothing will happen to me out there." I declare in my defense as he huffs out in frustration. "Stay Julia." He replies this as I shake my head, feeling the frustration building before I retort. "No." My back straightens as my head is held high, showing I am not scared and will do what I want whether he likes it or not.

John huffs out as the pacing starts, until he is doing circles in the room, with my eyes glued to him, not knowing why he is panicking this much. Is it because he is worried for my safety that much? I just don't understand. His hands are moving as if he is having a conversation in his head because no words are coming out of his mouth. That is until he stops to look over at me. "Why do you care Julia? It's just going to scare you more and stress you out.. Just stay away from there.. Stay here with me." He instructs of me as I instantly feel frustrated and slightly suspicious about his reaction.

I step closer hoping when I explain this that he will get a better idea about how serious I am. "I was just there last night at that same spot after I got dinner and walked back to the room.. I just feel like I need to go out there.. It is a feeling deep within me that is telling me to go.. And I care because this was an innocent person who was chosen by a monster, and that could have been me, John.. and she deserves not to be forgotten about, or looked past.. I am going to go, and you can come if you want." I state with all the strength I have within me as I turn away to grab and slip on my shoes while glancing back up to him as I secure the shoes to my feet.

"Wait, you actually went there last night? You left the room? I thought that you ordered it from there last night and got it delivered to the room! I told you to stay in the room, Julia." He starts getting mad, glaring daggers at me, going from zero to one hundred in a split second as if I pushed the right button to his temper. But maybe that is just the protectiveness talking. I finish getting ready to leave while shaking my head.

"I'm sorry John, I know you asked me to stay in the room, but I was bored and lonely, and you were gone all night doing who knows what.. I'm sure some of it was the work you told me about, but not all of it because you were gone for so long, and I saw the red on your collar.. I know what that means." I explained to him as he looked livid at those words that just fell from my lips as his eyes pinged around the room until they landed back on me.

"What are you saying, Julia?" he asked, stepping closer than grabbing my arms on the outside of them, to pull me closer to him. I look from his hands that were tightly wrapped around my arms and to the empty trash can before clearing my throat, feeling nervous about how he is acting out. I look straight into his dark angry eyes as I let out a deep breath.

"I'm saying you were with another woman last night John.. And it's fine, you can do what you want, there is no judgment from me.. We are not even together at all... and I get it. You're a single man. But I don't understand why you brought me here if you wanted someone else. Was it to make sure you were getting s*x on this trip? I just can't see why you would invite me when you obviously have no trouble getting someone else. But don't you dare for one second think that I am an idiotic person. I'm not stupid, nor am I blind." I declare feeling frustrated about that thought.

I watch as the confusion sets in, replacing the anger as he thinks about what I just said as his eyes ping around the room before he lets go of my arms. "I don't know.. What.. You're talking about." He says, denying it, but like I said, I am not an i***t. But he must think I am because I can see in his eyes that he does know what I am talking about. I shake my head, putting the jacket on as I grab my key card. I let out the deep breath I was holding in, just trying to put the words that were floating through my head in order. Figuring out how I want to say this to him.

I turn to face him as I let the words out. "I saw the lipstick on your collar.. You don't have to lie to me about it.. Like I said, there is no judgment. I don't hate you or anything. I get it.. We are not together, and it's fine. You are single, so have who you want. I want you to live the life you want to, while doing whatever makes you happy.. but you need to know that I am not going to be some guy's f*#k buddy. I am looking for something more.. And it's ok that you don't want that with me. I get it.. I just misunderstood what this trip was." I say a little sadly to him because I knew this trip would help me see things for what they are when it came to John and I. And it did.. just not how I expected it to.

I don't take my eyes from him, so I make sure that he doesn't lie to me, and most importantly, he doesn't deny any of my words. I can see that his mind is a million miles away, probably just feeling dumb about just getting caught, when he could have told me and it wouldn't have phased me too much because I have been there and done that many times in my life. So, nothing new for me, I'll just live and learn once again.

I clear my throat, getting his attention just to cut away as much of the tension and awkwardness that I can before I say. "I'm going out there to check things out.. I'll be back in a little bit.. Maybe we can hang out for a little while. But don't hold back.. be with that woman, and if you want me to pay you back for this trip, then that is fine.. I will." Before he can even object, I left, shutting the door behind me while walking away from the room.

I can hear the door opening behind me as I just keep walking while hearing his feet thundering quickly approaching. "It's not like that, Julia. I am sorry that it gave you the wrong idea." he says as I turn around, feeling my eyebrows scrunching once again. "I don't know how lipstick on the collar and showing up late at night would give me a different idea." I declare with a little bit of annoyance at the situation.

"Ok.. let me be honest with you." He declares as I feel my eyes rolling because he should have been honest in the first place with me. "Yeah, honesty would have been nice last night when I was asking if you were ok and what was going on, but not getting a response." I declare not trying to deal with more bulls*t then I have to. "You're right, and I'm sorry.. The reason I love this area so much is because I used to live here." he starts as I put my hands on my hips, showing my direct impatience and that he needs to speed this up.

"And?" I ask as he nods before adding on. "And.. I was married.. Before.. When I used to live here." he says this as I feel my mouth dropping open. "Married?" I ask to clarify that I heard that correctly as he sadly nods. "Yes, and my ex keeps trying to spark things back up.. Hence the lipstick.. But I don't want that anymore. I just wanted something different and new.. And I'm sorry for not being completely honest. She knew my work was coming here and met up with me to talk.. She tried to take things further, and that's when I had to let her down easily. It was hard to do, but I just don't feel the same as I used to about her anymore."

He says this with so much sadness that it makes me want to know why. "Why don't you want to be with her or feel the same? If you don't mind me asking.. Since you married her you obviously loved her at some point in your life." I squeak out, wanting to know even though it has nothing to do with me. "Well, because I can't seem to look at her the same ever since she cheated on me many times with many other men.. Finding her in the bed with another man was the moment that switched something in my head.. and I could never feel the same about her anymore." he explains, as I feel bad about just automatically assuming the worst when it came to him and why he was late to the room. But what else was I going to think in that situation?

"I'm so sorry that she did that to you." I say softly as he nods while shrugging his shoulders. "Stuff happens and I can't control it.. but the sad part is that I do love her. I just can't love her the way she wants me to. I can't be with her no matter what she wants.. she is trying to use the things I used to love about her against me, and she is figuring out the hard way that it won't work on me." he explains further to me making me slightly feel better then worse. "I could understand that for sure."

I don't know what to say to him because I was thinking he is just a player, by the impression I was left with, from the lipstick and all.. but now he is looking like a a nice man that was used and abused by his ex.. and haven't we all been there and done that when it comes to a horrible ex that won't seem to get over you and always wants more. Never being satisfied with what they already got from you always wanting to get more, maybe suck you dry? I know I have, so I can sympathize.