The Rambling Of An Average Person

Is it weird that even when I want to be alone, I don't want to be alone? It's almost crippling sometimes, the fear that consumes me. Yet I find myself never wanting to be left alone. It's too quiet when I am alone. My thoughts and feelings become exponentially louder when I'm alone. Am I the only one who feels this way. Like at any moment, I am going to just start screaming to my ever intrusive brain. "Yes! I hear you. I hear every awful thing you think of me." If I did this, I'd look like the crazy lady of the neighborhood. I'm sure I already do. I'm sure they are already numb to the random outbursts that escape out my windows on a warm summer day. I am sure they all think there is absolutely something wrong with me. I wish there was a way for people to look at me and know that I'm hurting and not just crazy. I mean I am fairly crazy but not in the way that people think. I just wish they all knew. I wish they could see that inside. I'm just a scared little girl who has had more than her fill of pain and loss. They don't see that, though. All they see is this average looking woman who some days is super friendly and sweet and other days is on a war path that will scorch the earth. I have anger issues that are very hard to control. This makes my day to day very difficult. I navigate my whole day as carefully as the bomb squad defuses a bomb. I kniw this is taxing on the people close to me. On good days, you can tell in their mind they are celebrating because they survived another day with me. On bad days, I can see the energy drain from their faces because dealing with me during an episode is genuinely exhausting. At the end of the bad days I always hate myself because today I failed. Today, my mind was stronger than me. At the end of every day, I find myself wanting to do better. It's hard living with a constant war going inside of you. It's hard living in two worlds at once. Those of us who struggle with mental health are like plainswalkers. Moving back and forth essentially unnoticed. Waging war. Fighting for our lives. We'll maybe we don't have to fight alone. Maybe starting today, this can be a platform for all of us who are battling silent fights. Maybe we can find comfort in each other. Just maybe.