Forlorn Madness

It was summer in 2016 when I first entered this place called 'Bbar' at San Antonio. I was curious as to why the bar was spelled with an extra 'b'. I laughed at myself for overthinking as I enter the small alley leading me to that bright neon colored signage.  I looked for the entrance and when I was about to enter when I saw two men kissing next to the trash bin outside. I wasn't shocked, instead, I got even more curious. I hesitated to open the door but then two other men stepped outside, obviously having fun. As the door was closing, I heard the loud, inviting sound coming from inside. It made my heart giddy. It was the first time in a long time that I felt such excitement and so I entered. I slowly walked my way into the area where people are happily dancing, mostly men. I can only count the number of women inside. A man drinking by the counter was glancing at my direction. I got a little conscious and avoided his gaze almost as if pretending I wasn't there. The man stood up, and I panicked. I tried walking faster away from him and I just slipped myself into the crowd of people at the dance floor. I tried really hard to dance as if I know the person who was in front of me. I almost laughed seeing his confused face. He asked, "do I know you?" I was so sure I heard him right but I wanted to tease him a little. Don't ask me why, he has good facial features and he is a little taller than me and I, myself isn't that bad either. I furrowed my brows and looked side by side while pointing a finger to myself. The guy in front got even more confused. The loud sound was echoing all over the area and I thought he would no longer give a damn about what I'm doing but I got surprised when he held my nape and lowered his head - making sure that it's positioned right beside my right ear and whispering, "are you dumb?" I couldn't hold it any longer and laughed out loud.  I might have been a little rude for laughing but I couldn't help it. I was about to answer him when he dragged me out of that huge crowd. I was just following his lead and had no other plans but to know where we are heading. "Hey, let go", I said as we are reaching a door. I was guessing it was for the back exit. I heard him muttering some words I couldn't really understand. I can't believe I, an 18-year-old-guy is getting dragged by a person I don't even know, and not resisting. We reached the back door and the man said, "are you okay?". I was caught off guard. I didn't know where the question came from. I looked at him looking a little worried. "Of course I am", I said as I try to figure out why he suddenly asked me that when I was looking forward to get scolded for laughing at him just a while ago. "Judging from the way you were dancing earlier, you came here alone, right?", I nodded in response. "So, I was right?", I couldn't understand why was he so happy saying that so I asked him, "please enlighten me, I can't understand the way you're acting like that. You're a little creepy, you know that?". He stopped smiling and said, "Ah, no, I just thought that the guy standing behind you earlier wasn't exactly your friend." I tilted my head a little, looking confused. "I saw him hurriedly walking towards your direction and so I dragged you here just incase you might feel uncomfortable talking to him", he continued.  "Are you for real?" I asked. He looked straight into my eye and asked me again, "are you really okay?", with the same worried gaze. I couldn't exactly tell him that my entire being cannot handle such kindness. "I thought you brought me here so you can shout at me and scold me for laughing at you and not answering your question earlier?". I heard him laugh a little, I was stunned. He looks even more good looking with a smiling face. My mind is still in the process of how much of a good looking this person is in front of me when he said, "Please, call me Isaac, and I figured you were teasing me earlier so I dragged you here to find out whether you would be scared or not. It turns out I brought someone so brave that you didn't even notice that there are around six couples making out in this very area." I immediately turned my head around and saw couples all over each other. A pair behind me almost stripping. My jaw dropped when I noticed that there's not a single woman here with us, all men.  I heard Isaac laugh and so I stared at him almost losing his mind, I'm guessing because of my reaction. I didn't ask him to stop. I just stood there and waited until he was contented. A few seconds later he stopped and said sorry , almost whispering. "So, this place is a gay bar?" I asked him just to make sure. "Well, yeah, didn't you know?", why is this guy expecting me to know things like this, I thought to myself. "You entered this place without knowing what could possibly be in here? You're that brave? Let me ask you again with the question you left hanging earlier, are you dumb?" I gave him a piercing gaze while I still process my thoughts, I have decided to just answer his train of questions so he will shut up, "first of all I'm gay, I just haven't been in a place like this. Yes, I am brave and no, I am not dumb. Thank you so much." He looks amused for a second, "Can you tell me your name?", I can't believe he was just asking for my name now. He knew my s****l identity earlier than my name. "Call me Mizuki", I said to him. He looks at me like I was lying. "Don't look at me like that, Mizuki is my real name if that's what you're suspicious of". He started walking away so I followed him, I don't know anyone else in this place might as well follow this good looking guy.  We entered the bar again and he sat by the counter and so I did, too. I saw him smirk and then proceeded to order two drafts of beer. I was waiting there like an abandoned, lonely, child. A glass of beer then was placed right in front of me, I didn't hesitate to drink it. A free beer? From a gorgeous looking person? Who, I believe, is staring at me right now? Sign me up!  During the whole time we weren't exactly having a conversation, but I can see him stealing a few glances of me. I can't blame him for that. I was racking up my brain to find out what we could possibly talk about when I suddenly thought of asking, "Hey, Isaac. How do you like your eggs cooked in the morning?" I asked him because I like my sunny side up to be over medium. I was waiting for his answer when I heard him laughing so hard, but in silent. I felt a little annoyed since I was genuinely waiting for his response. "I can't believe this is how you flirt", I heard him say. He looks like he was thinking of something deep earlier and now all I can see is his beautiful smile. From that moment on, I didn't ask him anything, I tried my best to stop starting a conversation so we just sat there and drank until we were satisfied.  After two more hours, I felt a little tipsy and actually stopped drinking. Isaac looked at me and asked if I want to go home right at that moment. I looked at him with a blank face and I guess he already understood what that meant. "No, please do not misunderstand. What I meant was me going to my house, and you to yours", he said with hand gestures. I smiled at him and nodded. Isaac paid for the bill. Good, because I didn't bring that much money. We started walking out of the bar while everyone still shows no sign of leaving. Isaac and I walked out the door and we were greeted with cold breeze and the smell of cigarettes.  We were walking silently, side by side, not one of us feel like talking until we reached the nearest bus stop. "Is this also your stop?", I asked him and he said no. "I only walked you here, my stop is actually at the opposite direction." I didn't know how to respond to that. I didn't even know I could meet an actual angel tonight. "Thank you, angel", I said. I heard him laugh and saw him shake his head, as if I said something so funny. "See you", he said and started walking away, hands in his pockets. I was staring at his back and got a little surprised when turned and said, "Hey Mizuki, I don't really like eggs in the morning. I'm more of a coffee guy." I continued staring at his figure slowly disappearing from the sight when the bus arrived. I reached home feeling really satisfied. I can't forget that angel's laughing face. I wonder if he is single. I almost laughed at the thought of me asking Isaac whether he is single or not. Maybe he'll visit that bar again tonight? I was really excited just thinking about it and even though I was so excited, that night, I slept like a rock. It was the first time in a long time that I felt like I actually slept because it's been months since I felt like sleeping is not doing my body any good anymore. I just feel even more tired the day after.  The moment I woke up I wanted to go to the bar, but it's still too early for that. So I have decided to just clean this studio-type apartment where I'm staying. I unpacked all my stuff, and although I have a house that is like a ten-minute-walk from here, I have decided to stay here alone since I felt suffocated in that house. It was my grandparents' place and I was never really welcome there. As righteous individuals who have always had a conservative mindset, my relatives never liked the idea of me being gay. So I try my hardest to not show my face in front of them. This is also the reason why I only stay here during summer. As I was cleaning, I received a message from my cousin, Fiona, from my mother side who claims to be the only person that genuinely likes me. I just let her be because it's not really part of my nature to avoid people who said they like me, even if they are not serious about it. The message reads "Hey, Miks. I was informed you are already here? Why didn't you message me? Anyway, I want you to meet my boyfriend. See you later at the usual place, 6pm. Loveya!" I have so many questions. What the hell? Who wants to meet her boyfriend? And, 'loveya?' I threw my phone on the bed and started preparing to meet Fiona and his boyfriend that I only wish to be at least half as good looking as me.  I was waiting at the coffee shop in which she referred to as our 'usual place', and I came 10 minutes early because I'm a Virgo.  Why do we have our usual place? We're not even that close. I said to myself while impatiently waiting for her. I kept on looking at the entryway so I could spot her immediately and I did. I saw her walking confidently with a man behind him looking familiar. As they get closer I started getting nervous about the possible turn out of events. Fiona reached our table and gave me a little hug. I can hear her say some lines that I couldn't really comprehend because my entirety is just looking at the person behind her, Isaac. My eyes are glued on this man who was staring at me with his smiling face. What's so funny about this? I almost said it out loud. However, I stopped myself from staring at him and spare my cousin some attention. "Are you listening to me?", Fiona asked me looking annoyed that I obviously not paying her any mind. "No", I coldly answered. I heard a laugh from my right which was the angel, himself. "Is he your boyfriend?", I was so sure that I will walk out of that place without bidding goodbye - that totally depends on what she is going to answer. She was about to speak when I heard Isaac say yes, while looking at me straight in the eye as if he was testing me. First of all, did I ask him? I was about to pay the bill and leave when Fiona threw him a middle finger and said, "shut up dude", and there Isaac was laughing hysterically, not at Fiona but me. My cousin looks stunned, as if she saw her father's name on the phone with 8 missed calls. "So, you know how to laugh like that?", Fiona asked Isaac who was just starting to recover from laughing so loud. "Oh my god, I'm dizzy", Isaac said, not actually answering Fiona's question and he proceeded to go to the counter to order, probably.  I sat there looking at Fiona and she started telling me how Isaac and her met. And no, they are not in a relationship. I found out while Fiona kept on rambling that she and Isaac are college friends. They are actually a group of three, and remaining one who wasn't in the picture at the moment was, fortunately, her boyfriend. Fortunately?  I mockingly asked myself, almost as if asking why am I feeling so relieved. Isaac sat beside me, with his Americano that I don't like. He was just seating right there, not bothering to enter the conversation. Looking very contented with his drink. Fiona excused herself and went to the comfort room. I felt a little conscious since I felt gaze from my right. I did not dare to look back because I know he was grinning. What's taking her so long? I am very much annoyed right now that she is taking her time, she is being too Aquarius. "I told you, I'm more of a coffee type of guy", I heard Isaac say while finishing his drink. He is looking at the opposite direction when I turned to him. He is obviously enjoying this while I on the other hand, is feeling really hungry. I couldn't even get myself a drink because of the tension earlier that I created, myself. I saw Isaac left his seat through my peripheral vision. He hurriedly went to the counter and while he was at it, Fiona, finally came back. "Hey, I'm meeting with my boyfriend right now. I'll leave Isaac to your care. Alright? Bye", she was obviously in a hurry that she did not even let me respond with a no. "Hey, where did she go?", Isaac came back and asked. "You guess", I said while preparing to leave. I guess he figured out what I was planning to do so he said, "You're hungry right? Here, I bought you an egg pie."  Isaac sat there like he just said the most natural thing. I didn't ask him anything and just started to eat the fancy-looking egg pie offered in front of me. It was delicious. I called Isaac's name and he looked at me. "Are you always this nice?" I asked as I finish the pie, he was about to answer when his phone rang. "It's Fiona, do you mind?", he kindly asked. "Please, go ahead", I said to him and he smiled. Even without him answering the question, it was fine. It was only a rhetorical question after all. After a few minutes, Isaac came back looking a little worried, but I didn't ask him what is wrong because I don't think I should be asking that and I am not even sure if he will answer. "Do you want to go somewhere else?" He asked me with such hopeful eyes. How am I supposed to say no to that?  I said to myself. We grabbed a cab and I was awfully familiar with the place where we are headed.  We reached the Bbar after about 20 minutes and it was still too early. The staff inside were just preparing the tables and chairs so Isaac and I headed straight to the bar counter, we sat at the same seat we used last time. Isaac ordered a mojito. "Hey, is everything alright?", he looked at me and he's got wondering eyes. "No, it's just that - it's still too early and you wanted a mojito?" He told me that he just felt like wanting to get a little drunk tonight. It's not that I care. I ordered fresh lime margaritas for myself because I felt cute with this hot guy beside me. Of course I did not say that out loud. "Mizuki, do you like me?", his question stunned me but I didn't want to make it look like a big deal. "Well, I guess?", I answered, not even planning to dodge the question. I was hoping he would look at me and say the same thing but I couldn't understand his reaction. He looked shocked and unhappy. What's up with that? I didn't want him to see me looking hopeful so I went straight to the comfort room to calm myself down. It took me ten minutes to compose myself and act as if I was not affected. As I was headed to where Isaac was, I noticed that the bar is slowly filling up with men and gays who are about to have their own versions of fun. I reached the counter and Isaac was not there anymore, I thought he just went outside or he just saw a friend so I waited. It's been about two hours when I figured that he is not coming back.  I went back to the Bbar a few more times after that and I was not able to get even a glimpse of him. It was as if he disappeared for good. It was the moment that marked the end of my summer love 2016.