Puppets on a string

I CAN'T BREATHE

I feel like my heart just collapsed. All the happiness has been taken away from me. He broke up with me. But he said that he loved me. How can he let me go after a stupid mistake? I know that I was the one at fault, but it is not a big deal. Yes, I broke his trust but it's not like I cheated or something. I just lied about a small part of my past. I know I shouldn't have done that, but isn't he overreacting a little ? It was just a stupid kiss, I had with my ex bf before I even knew Sam. He could have yelled at me and maybe stopped talking to me for a few days. But breaking up on little things like this was too much. But he just did that. He brokeup with me over a text. Everyone deserves a chance, don't I deserve it too? I freaking promised him that I will never repeat this again and he still left me. Didn't he love me enough?

Now I was a crying mess. I kept sobbing and sobbing. I hurriedly picked up my phone and called him. He can't do this to me like this. After 2 rings, he cut off the call. Oh God! No please no. I called him again, but he cut it again. I was about to call him again, but before I could do that, I recieved a text from him.

"Don't call me Ashley. I don't want to talk right now. It's over between us. We can still be friends and stay civil in front of others. I just don't want to be in a relationship with you" I read the text and I started crying harder and louder.

Thank Jesus that my parents and siblings were not at home otherwise they would have barged inside my room right now. My dad just left for a business trip and my mom went with him. Andrew went out with his friends and said that he will come back late while Sandy was staying at his friend's house for the weekend.

As I kept crying and sobbing with pain and hurt inside my heart, I fell on my knees and dropped my phone. I felt my heart beating very loudly inside my chest that it would burst any second. I was sobbing so hardly now that I was sure anyone who walks by near my house will hear it.

A few seconds later, I felt like oxygen was leaving my lungs and I couldn't breathe. I tried my best to inhale but I just felt so hot and suffocated. I felt like I was dying. Soon, I felt my knees trembling, before I could control myself, I fell on the floor on my side still trying my best to catch a breath. I tried to stop my sobs but tears didn't stop. I tried so hard not to think about Samuel but his text kept coming before my eyes. He f*cking left me. Now I started feeling like I am a horrible person unworthy of his trust and love. These thoughts worsened my situation and my breathing ragged more. I reached for my phone crawling on the floor as it was lying a foot away from me. I picked it up quickly trying to call anyone but my hands trembled. I couldn't unlock my phone. Everytime I typed my password, I kept making mistakes. My fingers were not stable at all.

I gave up finally and my phone left my hand. I was tired now. All the energy was drained from my body. I think I stopped sobbing too because I couldn't hear my crying voice anymore. Only voice that was coming from my mouth was heavy breathing sound. Now I was lying on my back and looking up at the ceiling. Slowly the ceiling started blurring up a bit. What was happening to me? I have never been this miserable before. Maybe I was never bold, but I was strong. Everyone knew it. I never cried when Paul & I broke up. Heck I didn't even cry when he tried to cheat on me with my best friend. I have never cried over a guy before. I guess, this is what love do to you. Losing the person you love is painful. Love hurts. I slowly started seeing black spots in front of my eyes getting bigger every second and I completely blacked out unconscious on the floor.

A few hours later

'Ugh! I feel like I have been hit by a truck' I thought as I slowly opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was the ceiling of my room spinning. Damn my whole body was aching.

I slowly sat up putting my back on the edge of my bed still sitting on floor. What am I doing on the floor? What happened to me? Then suddenly the whole morning fiasco stormed into my mind and a tear fell from my eyes again. He left me. And then what happened to me came back rushing in my mind and I sobbed again. How can a breakup hurts this much ? We have only been together since a month and how can he have a hold on me this strong. It feels like he controls my mind and my body. I can't let him control me like this. I need to be strong. I quickly picked up my phone.

"If breakup is what you want, then it is what you get" I typed the text and send it to him with trembling fingers. I don't mean what I type but I need to be strong for myself.

I looked at the time and it was already 3 p.m. God I have been out for almost 4 hours. And noone from my family came to see me as they were still out. I think its better this way. If they have seen me unconscious on the floor, they would have been so worried.

But what actually happened to me ? I couldn't breathe? I picked up my phone and searched my symptoms on internet. Panic attack and anxieties. F*ck! I think it's a one time thing. I will be fine now. I stood up with my wobbly legs and sat up on my bed. I looked around my room and saw my laptop on the other corner of bed. MY CHEMISTRY PROJECT.

I hurriedly picked it up and my stomach grumbled loudly. I am freaking hungry. I haven't eaten anything after breakfast. And when I am stressed, I eat. This is what I did. I ordered burger with fries and coke and went downstairs to find some snacks.

Noone was home.

I picked up a bag of chips and some leftover pizza in refrigerator. Soon, my burger arrived too. Can you really imagine that I ate all of it alone ? This is what stress do to me and food becomes my best friend.

After I was done with my food, I climbed upstairs back to my room and tried to focus on my project but all I could think about was Samuel. What is he doing right now? Is he also restless like I am? Is he missing me too? Is he happy that we broke up ? I tried all night but I couldn't focus on my project. I didn't sleep last night too. And today I had to wake up for my project but I still couldn't complete it.

NEXT MORNING

I had my breakfast and went back to complete my project. I worked all day and even had my food in bed. Samuel didn't leave my head for once. I finally completed my project at 10 p.m. but I was not satisfied with my presentation. It was a mess, a big one. I don't think my slides were in the proper order too. And I couldn't care less now. I was too tired to care. I lay down on my bed but still couldn't sleep. And I cried again. Why Ashley? Yes he left, yes you love him but you can't do this to yourself. Then I remembered, sleeping pills. Doctor prescribed some sleeping pills to me when I was sick. I still have a few of them left. I stood up slowly and opened my drawer. I picked up the pills and took out 1 of them and gulped it down. I made my way back to bed and set the alarm clock for the next morning. Ugh! How will I face him tomorrow? We have a class together and he basically is a part of my friend circle. I tried to get these thoughts out of my head and started counting sheep in my head.

'1 sheep, 2 sheep, 3 sheep.....' I counted and my eyes started feeling heavy and I went to sleep while a lone tear left my eye.

Monday

I feel a little refreshed today after having some sleep last night. I have my chemistry presentation in the morning. As I was combing my hairs, I looked at my reflection in the mirror. My eyes were still a little puffy. I can't go to college like this. I don't want others to ask any questions to me. So, I did what I rarely do, makeup. I only prefer lipstick and keep my face bare but today I took out the foundation and concealer from my cupboard and applied them under my eyes. I also applied mascara to make my eyes look a little bigger. When I was done, I picked up a purple shirt and black trousers from my cupboard and kept my hairs open. I had to wear formals because of my presentation. I picked up my bag and left for college while picking up my sandwich from the breakfast table. My parents came back last night.

As I made my way to the college, the first person I saw in the front was Samuel. My heart skipped a beat as soon as my eyes fell on him and all the breakup scenario and panic attack came flashing back in my mind making my eyes tear up a little. He was talking to Stephen and Robert while laughing at something. Didn't it affect him at all ? He looks absolutely fine as if nothing happened. And here I am crying, looking at my first love. A tear fell from my left eye and I quickly wiped it with the back of my hand. Thank God my makeup was waterproof. I straightened my back and put a blank expression on my face and started walking again. I could feel his eyes on me, making me nervous, but I didn't show it on my face. I walked pass him completely ignoring him but I could feel his eyes following my every step.

As I entered the class, I was engulfed in a tight hug by Vinnie.

"Hey girl " She said smiling

"Hey Vinnie" I replied back with a smile.

I met my other friends too and everyone was behaving normally. I guess they don't know about the breakup yet.

After a minute, professor entered the class and asked the students to come forward with their presentation.

1 hour later, I was sitting down in my sorrow because my presentation was horrible. My friends say that it was fine but I didn't believe them. I know that it was going to affect my grades.

The whole day passed and I was able to avoid Sam. I only saw him in Physics class but we both chose to sit on the opposite corners of the class, which made the day a little easier. I was also able to control my tears in front of others. I never cry in front of others. Only my family has seen me cry.

As I made my way to the cafetaria with my friends, I heard his voice.

"Hey everyone" He said shaking hands and giving a hug to everyone.

"Hey Ash" He said looking at me with an awkward smile on his face.

Didn't we breakup? Oh he wanted to be my friend. But it doesn't hurt any less.

"Hey" I replied with a fake little smile on my face not looking him back in his eyes. I know that if I look him in the eyes, I won't be able to stop my tears.

I went to the table where others were sitting and found two empty chairs together while a single chair was left empty between Vincent and Vinnie. I quickly went to sit on that empty chair not wanting to sit next to Samuel. But he still sat on the chair opposite to me.

"Why are you sitting here? Shouldn't you be sitting with your boyfriend?" I heard Vinnie asking me.

"I wanted to sit with my best friend today" I lied not wanting to reveal about our breakup yet. I could still feel his eyes on me. Can't he see how much it is affecting me?

I avoided him like a plague. I didn't want to sit with him on the same table. So I stood up making everyone look at me confused.

"What? I am going to restroom" I said with a little laugh and quickly ran out of the cafetaria.

As I entered the washroom and locked the door, I couldn't control myself anymore and tears started rolling down my eyes again. Why does he affect me so much? I quickly wiped them and unlocked the door making my way out. As I was passing down the corridor, I felt myself pulled inside a dark empty classroom making me shriek and my eyes closed.

I heard the door closing and my back pressed against it.

"What the..." I started but was shut up as I felt those familiar lips slamming on mine kissing me hard. F*ck I missed him so much. His hands were on my cheeks holding them while my hands were gripping his shirt tightly. I know it's wrong, we broke up. But I just can't control myself when I am around him, so I slowly started kissing him back. After some time, I pulled away gasping for breath with my eyes still closed

"I missed you so so so much baby" I heard him say as he was also breathing heavily and slowly put his forehead on mine.

I didn't reply because I didn't trust my voice. I didn't want to cry before him. I slowly opened my eyes.

When I didn't say anything, he also opened his eyes looking at me with hurt again making me tear up again.

"You don't care for me Ash, do you? Here I was dying since last two days, waiting for your text asking me for a last chance and there you were today sitting next to Vincent. You know I hate it when you two sit together. You did that to make me jealous right? Then you f*cking succeeded. I was hell jealous. I love you Ashley so freaking much. But you don't care. How could you agree to breakup with me? You should have asked for forgiveness and one last chance but you didn't. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep without listening to your voice" He said with gritted teeth trying his best not to yell. But the pain inside his voice didn't go unnoticed by me. And how can he say that I don't care? I was angry now.

"How can you say that I don't care for you Stark? I f*cking love you. I called you many times but you didn't pick up. You told me not to call you or text you. I have been crying my eyes out since Friday. Do you think I am happy? I apologized to you the very same day. I accept that it was my fault. What did you want me to do? Yes I know I f*cked up but I couldn't do anything about it. Yes, I lied and I promised to never lie to you again. I lied because I didn't want to hurt you not knowing the consequences. If I have known then it will happen then I wouldn't have lied in the first place. What do you want me to do now? Tell me." I replied back while my tears have betrayed me again.

" I want you to promise me. Promise that you will never lie again. Promise me that you will always be honest with me. Promise me that I will be the only guy to hug you, to touch you, to kiss you, to make love to you. Promise me and I will forever be yours. Only yours. I want us to stay together forever baby." He said in a soft voice melting my heart. I didn't need to think twice.

" I promise baby. I promise I will always be honest with you. I promise to never hurt you again. I am only yours. Please forgive me" I said still sobbing a little.

As soon as these words left my mouth, he slammed his lips back on mine again kissing me passionately.

"Say you love me" He said pulling his lips back a little but still hovering over mine.

" I love you Sam" I said softly.

"I love you more baby. I love you more than you can ever imagine" He said back and kissed me again.

He picked me up a little and took me to nearby table and made me sit on it while he stood between my legs.

Soon, we left for our respective homes.

I went to bed with a smile on my face.

Today when we had our make out session, it was different. It was more passionate. It felt like we both were pouring our feelings out in our touch. I smiled when I remembered his words.

We found our way back to each other.