A memory In Words

The rain was slowly drizzling down from the sky as she was lowers ceremonially into the ground and I said my last goodbyes. The thudding of the dirt hitting the wood creating a steady rhythm, matching my heartbeat as the blood pounded in my ears. The world was spinning, coming in and out of focus as everything blurred around me. All the sights, sounds, smells, tastes - everything melded into one in that singular moment. Thinking back now, it was rather poetic really. The dull downcast day and the way in which time seemed to stop and freeze me in place for those few moments. While I was blissfully unaware of those around me, all expressing their sorrow, grief or condolences to me in one way or another. There was a constant stream of people approaching me that day, I remember, and each came with different memories and stories. But, they all had the same underlying meaning. I could see it in their eyes as they looked at me. The looks of pity and regret I was being flashed by every stranger who approached me with tales of my mother and how they knew her. Not that I cared at the time. No matter how many tales of her crazy college days, or the time the she volunteered to help save the whales and spent the entire time sea sick; barely able to function. Those weren’t (and still aren’t) my memories of her, I didn’t want to hear them. Normal people would have considered it rude. My constant dismissal of the people who approached me. Most people assumed it was simply me grief getting the better of me - who wouldn’t? She was my mother, after all. I was there, in that moment, for one reason and one reason alone. To remember my time with her; to finally tell her everything that I could never express to when she was still here. I wanted her to know the truth of who I was and how much I truly appreciated what she had done for me in the short time we had together, before I was taken away from her. But above all else, I simply wanted here to know that I don’t blame her for any of it. I only wish I could have found her and told her sooner. Maybe none of this would have happened, if only I had tried a little harder, worked a little faster, found her a little sooner. Maybe she would still be here, maybe I could get to know her. The real her, I mean. The her before all of this happened. Before it all went downhill. Maybe if had known her, I could have helped her and pulled her away from her self-destructive cycle. Maybe she wouldn’t have had access to those pills. Maybe, just maybe, I could have stopped her from making the decision to take her own life and end it all. But, that’s all hypothetical. Constructed with maybe’s and perhaps’s. things we cannot prove or disprove. They are all facts that are likely; situations that could be, but they are equally able to be unlikely and situations that will never occur. Well, I know for a fact that they will never occur now. Because, I wasn’t fats enough; I didn’t try hard enough; I didn’t get to her sooner. I couldn’t even be there for her in her final moments, I couldn’t be with her for her last breaths. But soon I will be with her again. I can apologies and make up for my mistakes. I can finally tell her everything I’ve ever wanted her to know. I know that I can’t make up for what I did that night, but I can apologise and offer up my life as recompense for it. So, I’m going to finish here, only moments away from my final breath, my only true regret in life laid out in words. Sincerely, Deon Green