The b***h Book

Chad, I imagine you're feeling pretty concerned these days. You've noticed I haven't been in to work lately. Do you miss me? Remember that time we messed around in the staff basement? Why is there a staff basement? Sometimes I'm not even sure what the company does at all. You pulled up my skirt and gave me a butt massage while I filed papers for Marjorie Gatler. Yuck, Gatler. She's the thorn in my side around that place. Did I ever tell you that once we had an altercation over lipstick. I'm not shittin' you. Lipstick? Some old smudge red, half melted in the break room. I threw that s**t away. I guess she knew it was me somehow because she tracked me down and made a big scene. I'm trying to remember what I said to her. Did I call her a cow? No? Doesn't matter. Siiiiiigh, Chad. I've been skipping work because I am pretty sure I am about to quit. Don't try and stop me. There's nothing there for me. Except for maybe you. Remember that time I stole your wallet and you looked for it for about twenty minutes? Good times! I've never laughed that hard, Chad. Never. If Gatler is one of the reasons I go then it is only fair to tell you that you're the only reason I stayed. When I am away from you I miss you. I've never seen eyes quite the color of yours. They remind me of sea glass, Chad. I've never seen any type of sea glass and at the moment I am second guessing if it even exists (I tend to do that) but sea glass it is. And that mouth. Best mouth around these parts. Speaking of parts, well, you're the nicest PART of my day. See what I did there, Chad? I want to laugh out loud right now but it would disturb Boots. He sleeps on my chest and if I just blink he throws me attitude. Little devil. I won't be coming back to work. Tell everyone down there that I contracted some sort of evil cold and cough combo and that my lungs are about as wet as the desk used to be in the Oval Office. No, don't say that. Say it if you want, Chad. Yesterday I slipped in the kitchen. When did I get so clumsy? I was making spaghetti for Boots and I hit a slick spot on the floor. While I was crashing down (hands were full) I remembered something my step mom used to say to me. She would tell me I had two switches. Mean and kinda mean. Do you think so? I'm not a mean person. People provoke me, Chad. Like at the company Christmas party. So I got extremely drunk. So I poured the punch bowl down my shirt and tried to suck face with the woman from the third floor. I own that. I'm fun! Nobody can deny that I am a million kinds of fun, Chaddo. It's a shame to let all of this fun go to waste, it really is. Last year I ran into a male model at the mall. Did I tell you? He was six kinds of dreamy and he had the dewiest skin I've ever seen up close. He offered me his number. I didn't accept it. That was for you. So a model wants in my pants. Hey, them's the breaks. I have to be loyal to my babe and my one and only. Maybe I should try to make myself less attractive. Think that would help? When you're almost six feet tall and you have yards of sparkling blonde hair, people pay attention. I know I have perfect boobs, Chad. They are so perfect that I rub them each morning and praise them. Nobody has boobs like me. Nobody. I hope your mom is doing ok. Does she miss me? Did you call her on her birthday? Tell her again that I am sorry about what happened the last time I saw her. I get carried away, Chad, you know that. Nobody understands me. That's been an issue my entire life. I would delve into that but I don't have the time. I just got some new exercise DVD. I plan to pull up a square or dance it out. Whatever people do. I'll find another job. People like me. I have no problems with that. I'll get something that doesn't suck and make every Marjorie lick my boots. Ugh, Marjorie. Chad, would you believe me if I said I love you? That's why I go through your phone. I want to make sure you love me too. It isn't to spy on you! I'm not a damn spy! I don't need to spy on Chad Broc with his little butt mole and baby teeth. I'm a wanted person. You'd do well to realize that. Screw what they say. Nobody cares! When I wash my hair I think about you. When I clean my stove. Even when I cut my nails I picture your face. If anyone ever touched you I would light them up, Chad. I would break their fingers and then swallow them. And later, when I went to the bathroom, I would marvel at how much smaller those fingers had gotten. Nobody loves you like me. Not one single soul. Not even your mother. Why do you let her poison you against me? Do you not love me, too? I thought we were a team! I let you eat me out on the roof for God's sake! Don't I treat my man? Don't I? You make me sick the way you cling to mommy. There. Said that. It's the honest truth. What did she ever do? Alcoholic. Check. Left you with your older sister so she could f**k around with married men. Does she think fruit cake and sweaters make up for neglect? She's insane. Crazy! I'm your mom now. Know that I love you. I won't ever leave or deceive you. You're my whole heart. Well, I should close. Best wishes! Hugs and kisses! See you soon! Desiree