I saw you

For some people, the routine can be comforting; you wake up, get ready, then head to work, maybe grabbing some coffee and/or food on your way. After a long day of work you come home, make dinner, then drift to sleep. It is comforting, but it can get boring and lonely. There's no excitement in a beige life. But it's mine—my boring life. Ever since those dark days in the summer of 2014 when I was 13. Since then, I haven't done anything too extravagant. I can’t handle the anxiety that comes with it, and I can't go out into loud, crowded places, or take any big risk. That is what the experience left me with, it left me with severe anxiety with panic, and PTSD. This is why I keep it simple— no surprises, just enough to let me float through life. But at what cost, I just dig myself into a deep depression of loneliness. My self-consciousness is desperately wanting more for myself, but I can't. —--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I sit at my desk editing some paperwork. I’ve always wanted to be a reporter but the thought of a dozen eyes on me and a camera pointing focused on me, making it so millions more can see, makes my skin crawl. So instead, I research ongoing topics and type up the script for the reporters. It's not what my 12-year-old self wanted, but it's close enough, right? “Come on, Eva, you have to go out tonight!!” said my loud best friend. She and I have been close most of our lives. We grew up in the same orphanage and now are roommates living in LA. We are inseparable, and she understands me more than anyone. Which is why I didn't understand why she was trying to force me to go out. “No, I have to work tomorrow,” I said, pushing my long, dark, pin-straight brown hair into a ponytail. Lida looked at me in disbelief, she pulled a nearby chair up to my desk and sat down. She takes her manicured hands and lightly slams them on the table, “I’m putting my foot down on this one, I already know your schedule. You don't have work tomorrow. And even if you did, you are not going to work on your birthday.” I watched the curly redhead narrow her eyes at me as if she was trying to compel me to go. I sighed and let my head fall into my hands, “Fine, what do you have in mind.” That girl is lucky that I love her, she's the only one who can convince me. She smiles and a wave of victory flows through her body, “There's this new nightclub– and before you say anything, I know you don't like crowded loud places, but you've never been to a nightclub!” I closed my computer and started packing my stuff and got ready to leave. I was not going to go. There was no way this would be fun. She grabs my wrist to prevent me from packing any further, “Your 21st birthday was last year and all we did was eat cake and watch Vampire Diaries– which I love, but you've never even had a sip of an alcoholic beverage. You have to start living life before you start to regret it.” I looked down, not making eye contact with her. She's right, but I don't like the thought of being unaware of my surroundings and not being able to make a clear conscious decision. But I need to stop overthinking. There are hundreds of people who drink and go out often and they're fine… So maybe just this once, “Fine, but don't think this is going to turn into a normal occurrence.” I said, pulling my wrist from Lida and packing up my stuff. It was about time to go home, so Lida and I clocked out. Her job consists of directing the reporters and cameramen. Unlike me, she is a firecracker and the ultimate hype woman. I used to be sort of like that, fun and outgoing, but unlike Linda, I am not like that with every stranger I pass. “What are you going to wear tonight?” I heard Linda say from the driver's side. I gestured to my beige pantsuit with a white blouse, “I was just thinking about this.” And with that apparent distasteful statement, she sighed with disapproval. With as little as a glance toward me, she turned the car around, “There is no way I'm letting my best friend wear that to her birthday celebration. We are going shopping! I know you have nothing in your closet that's fun.” She was right. My closets were full of zero color while hers was full of color. “I would lend you something of mine, but you wouldn't fit them– plus you should get something beautiful and unique.” Linda smiled, seemingly excited about dressing me up like a doll. Her hot pink pants suit makes her stand out, and I love that for her because she deserves to be known by everyone. We greeted the lady at the door and started to look around. As I walk past the racks, I let my fingers glide on the fabrics as I pass them. Lida squeals as she stops in front of me, “Eva, you have to get this one! It is the prettiest thing I've seen ever.” She turned around holding a fitted silver silk dress that flared a bit at the end, it was a low cut and had spaghetti straps, “it's beautiful, and it reminds me of you, it's so pretty and looks like it's perfect without going over the top.” I can't help but smile. It was truly beautiful, and I had to have it even if I never wore it out. When we get home, we get ready and Lida curls my hair as I put a little makeup, so I don't clash with the dress. As I finish my makeup, I brush through my curls and let the long loose curls fall to my hips. “You look so pretty!” Lida says, smiling at my side and giving my shoulders a little squeeze. As we head out, I stop to look at myself in the mirror… This is who I want to be. I want to be outgoing and live life with a little edge. I don't want to be trapped. I gave myself a small pep talk, convincing myself not to cancel. My eyes looked at myself up and down taking in the beautiful dress that hugged my curves that Lida always wanted me to show off. Although small, I've always had nice curves which I should be proud of. So tonight is the night my life will change. I will be a new person, for me. I looked into my light brown eyes, “Okay, I’m ready.”