Paradise

2.1

We sat in the car for a while longer, my sobbing laughter with the occasional chime from my long forgotten phone being the only sounds between us.

I could see her shifting in her seat, my seat, trying to get comfortable, I could see her eyes darted between the passenger's side door and my cackling/crying figure.

My phone sat between the both of us, pinging once more as another text from Jesus came through, reminding me of my friends who were sure to be breaking into my apartment by now.

I looked at the girl, my tear stained cheeks growing stiff as the random burst finally subsided. My breathing was labored as I tried to take control over my emotions yet again, this was a task that I usually designated to my own solitary time, but seeing as the girl hadn't yet made a move to leave me, I accepted the audience for now.

When I'd finally calmed myself enough, I sat back further into my seat, staring straight out the windshield, yet I couldn't for the life of me get my gaze to focus on a solid figure for more than a second before I had to avert my eyes to the next small distraction.

I allowed myself to think over her "proposition" for a millisecond before a cold chuckle escaped me, I finally turned my attention to her, she looked a little less sure of herself as she took in the sudden change in my demeanor.

"Let me ask you something," I began, before realizing I'd never even gotten her name. In the entire time that we'd spent in the booth and even now in the car, we were still virtually strangers to each other.

It was as if she'd realized this fact too, because she quickly piped in, "Ashley."

She stated simply, her voice was low and calculated

I nodded soberly, "Ashley, do you actually think we could do anything to her?" I asked her carefully, watching as her eyes hardened; she began to interrupt but I cut her off, continuing mine of questions.

"She has been a part of this network since before either you or I were even in high school. She's studied the ways of this business and then some."

I felt my heart sink as I finally admitted the truths that I'd been too scared to voice for so long.

"She has files on everyone she's come in contact with and keeps them for special occasions, we have no grounds against someone that holds all of our livelihoods in a goddamn manilla folder."

I couldn't look at her after my spiel, didn't want to see that hope die out as it had for me and so many others; but I also couldn't let her just throw away her entire life chasing justice that just wasn't going to come.

She needed to see that in this game of life we were merely pawns to be used and manipulated as necessary for the end goal of success.

I heard her sigh, causing my eyes to close, waiting for the break that was sure to come the moment her thoughts finally grasped the fact at hand.

"You-you're wrong," She said, though I could hear the doubt creeping into her voice; an acknowledgement that she was trying her damned hardest to keep from having to face.

I could only look at her, my eyes opened and I knew from the look on her face that complete hopelessness was what she found etched into my features. The fight that she'd been hoping for was long gone, replaced by this feeble carcass that remained animate despite its host having passed a long while ago.

Finally the look of defeat crossed her face, it's like the longer she looked into my dead gaze, the more of her own hope seemed to be seeped out of her; my negative atmosphere taking the droplets of her faith and evaporating them, mending them into my own corruption before putting it back into the space around us, tainted by my own pessimism.

Part of me wanted to feel bad, however I knew that she'd have to learn it eventually. Better for her to have learned it from someone wishing well for her than someone wanting to use that naivety for their own personal games.

My eyes remained on her for a while before the sound of my phone took them back to the small device. Sucking my teeth I reached over and opened the dashboards.

Fumbling around with the contents inside for a while I removed my hands bringing with it a random receipt and a pen. I paid her baffled look no mind as I began scribbling my name at the top of the paper, along with a small note reminding her who I was and my number before holding out the small paper.

Ashley looked between the small white parchment in my hand and my face confused, making no move to take the paper. With an annoyed sign I reached my other hand out, grabbing up one of hers and placing the note in her palm.

"I may not be able to help you bring her down," I said, my voice going slightly monotonous as I mentally slapped myself for doing what I was, "but, I do understand your fury, I understand your pain."

My voice cracked as I said the word causing myle to pause to collect myself once more. Clearing my throat I proceeded, "and if you ever need somebody to talk to, I'll be here."

She stared at me in shock, her eyes wide as she listened to what I was telling her.

"Just, please," my voice grew desperate suddenly as I grasped her hand just as she'd done mine at the beginning of the conversation. "Please, don't try and pick a fight with her. She's vicious and has probably already done a number on your name; just leave town and start over while you can." A single traitorous tear escaped as I gave her the advice I wish I'd been given all those years ago.

I wish I could go back and save the girl I was. But just because I can't doesn't mean you have to fall victim to her ugly cycle.

She was quiet for a bit, I hoped to whatever god there could be above that she was actually taking in my words, and heeding the warnings I've been giving her.

At first I really thought I'd gotten to her, the sparkle in her eye had dulled to that of a rusted spoon and her body seemed to have deflated with the last bits of her hope dying out with my final words.

However, the longer we stayed in our position, with me just staring at her and her eyes glued to the paper in her hand; I could see something building up beneath her. It was like I'd extinguished a flame for an inferno to jump up suddenly. And just like the inferno I watched as she suddenly crumpled the receipt in her fist.

Her eyes met mine again, this time a stubborn glow reflecting in her bright blue gaze.

"You might've given up," she started her voice coming out gruff as though she were physically restraining herself from something. "But that doesn't mean I'm just gonna lie down and take everything." She gave me one last hard look before opening the door and exiting. I watched as she sauntered back into the building, not even sparing me a passing glance before she entered and let the door close behind her.

I sat there frozen for a while, my mind was reeling from the conversation that had just transpired between me and the girl, Ashley. I felt the familiar burn of rejection as I thought hard on her words. "That doesn't mean I'm just gonna lie down and take everything."

Is that what I've been doing though? Have I just been complacent with the mistreatment?

Before I could let my mind dive into that question my phone began ringing once again, looking down I saw a photo of Adora rockin' her Glenda of Oz costume from last year.

As I went to answer, the other end of the call was suddenly filled with a loud, painful groan that took over any starters that I could've thought of.

Worry flushed my mind as I thought of a possible emergency that would warrant such a pain filled sound.

Without hesitation I turned over the car, allowing the engine to rattle for only a second before I peeled off the lot and headed straight for my apartment; traffic seemed to have picked up drastically from this morning.

My car weaved between the rows of cars easily as I drove as fast as legally possible. My phone had fallen by my feet in the chaos; I felt it slap against the side of them sporadically as I continued to maneuver my way to the intersection once more.

I was almost to the light when it had decided to turn to that bright red causing me to have to stop. Using the allotted time, I quickly bent down and snatched the device from under my heel.

Thankfully the call was still connected and I was able to bring the phone up to my ear just in time to hear Adora's voice complaining to Jesus about scaring me. The sigh of relief that escaped me was quickly taken over by my annoyance.

"You mean it was that big headed doof that gave me this heart attack?" The line went quiet for a moment before the sounds of two different chorus' of laughter broke out between the two.

I listened to them for a while, enjoying their carefree nature even through the phone.

When the light returned to its glorious green state I turned, much slower this time, and continued on the road home; the sack of goodies remained on the dash, only moving slightly whenever I would make a wide turn.

Soon my building came into view, it's flaking red paint was bright against the lowering sun, making it easier to see all of the cracks and chips the building had acquired throughout the years.

As I drew closer to the building I was finally able to see Adora's small pink buggie parked in one of the two spots I'd been granted when I signed my lease.

Cutting around the small loop that allowed me to access the small 'lot' I quickly parked next to the small, brightly colored vehicle, taking my other spot; I cut the car off and began collecting my belongings before getting out and walking up the path.

The worst thing about my apartment was the path, it sat at the end of a slight inclined slope and would wrap around the entire property if you followed it all the way around.

Most of my past neighbors had made several complaints about the path from how uneven and cracked it was to the very obvious point of it being a bit of a hazard for parents of small children, one of which had actually needed to seek medical attention after their child had rolled down the small hill and landed harshly on the concrete path.

But my landlord wasn't in the business of actually fixing up the building, nahh that would be too humane of him.

He just made sure the roof was somewhat secure and the walls were still standing; which explained why rent was ridiculously cheap considering the part of town I had settled into.

My calves began to burn as I quickly climbed, I ignored the slight pain in favor of being able to escape to my personal hobbit hole.

The door to the building creaked open when I gave it a little push; I'm sure at one point it was a good door that kept intruders out, however without the actual latch it now just sat as a mere decoration, the slightest winds could cause it to open and bang against the wall.

As I entered the familiar smell of stale nicotine greeted me, I cringed internally but continued into the building; passing the old elevator I began my ascent.

There were 64 steps until I reached my floor, on the 31st step I hopped over the broken piece of wood, knowing that even the slightest of weight would cause it to shift and fall between the steps.

I slowed as I got to my landing, listening close to the sounds in the hallway; I could hear a vacuum going further down, a baby's cry below me and the sound of the resident chain smoker hacking up a lung closer to where I was.

With a sudden burst of energy, I passed the threshold. Keeping my eyes to the floor I speed-walked as fast as I could down the hall, keeping my ears peeled for the sound of a deadbolt unlatching.

Thankfully the sound was not heard and I made it to my apartment unscathed, my keys were in my hand by the time I made it to my door which uselessly hung in my grasp as I beheld my fully unlocked and slightly opened door.

I was almost tempted to turn back around and pretend i just never made it back home, however the door suddenly opening to reveal a scantily dressed Jesus kept me in place.

My eyes wandered over the specimen that I called a friend a couple of times; taking in the slightly see-through periwinkle halter top and pair of leggings that adorned his thin body, atop his head sat a pair of gray bunny ears; an outfit that I had hidden in the back of my closet so long ago.

Not far behind him stood Adora, who from the small rainbow headband she wore, had also gone and started snooping through my belongings.

As if reading my gaze they both gave sheepish grins, though Adora looked more like a sibling that didn't really care if you'd caught her; rather it just made it easier for her to return the item. Which in actuality, made sense seeing as she was the middle of seven girls.

Jesus on the other hand, looked as though I were the law and he'd just been caught breaking into the Smithsonian.

Neither of them said a word as we all silently entered my humble abode, the sack of goodies was promptly deposited into my old distressed coffee table. It wobbled slightly at the added weight before settling slightly to the right.

Jesus was of course the first to reach for it, the crumpled up sack opened to reveal a dozen slightly smashed but still delicious pastries; Adora's eyes traveled slowly over to the area, not wanting to seem too interested in the baked goods.

However when Jesus pulled his hands out of the sack, pulling out with it a chocolate chip banana muffin, I knew her battle was lost; and it seemed she did as well as she launched herself over my small futon, landing with her legs on either side of our greedy friend who'd already shoved a brownie down his gob and was going for one of Adora's sacred muffins.

I watched them fight against each other; Jesus trying to get Adora off of his body and Adora trying to sever the hand that was targeted at his mouth.

I felt myself curl the sides of my mouth in an attempted smile as the two finally looked back at me. The gesture felt foreign and fake, and from the worried glances that I was receiving, I could hardly think about how bad it looked on their end.

Finally Jesus cleared his throat after swallowing the brownie he'd almost merged into the muffin he'd reluctantly given to our friend.

"So…" he began, from the way he had elongated the 'o' sound made me think that whatever he was going to say, he'd been thinking of for a good while.

My body seemed to deflate as I let out what little air I had left in my body; the two seemed to sober up all of a sudden as they began making room for me to join them on my couch. My limbs moved of their own accord, dragging my stiff body towards the open spot before I plopped down; my face met Dora's side as she lifted her arm to allow the motion before pulling me into a vice-like hug.

Before I came back, hugs and general affection were my love languages. I'd known that the world would right itself and all would be well, just as long as I could wrap myself around… someone.

Now all I felt was the pressure of the hold; there was no warmth that settled over me, that allowed me to run and shield myself away from the damages that came with this world. Instead there was pressure and the movement of breaths, circling in and out of our lungs, propelling us to get up and get through the day one meager second at a time.

I felt a familiar bitterness begin to rise from deep within me as I thought back on my life when it was simple and warm. Always so damn warm.

Jesus reached his hand out, index finger extended towards the center of my forehead as he began softly massaging the slight set of wrinkles that had begun to prematurely settle at the spot.

The doctors were right; constant frowning does cause premature wrinkling. Or maybe that was stress.

I gave him an empty smile, it was the most I could manage these days; a sinking thought abruptly caused my eyes to stray from my friends over to the small tv that sat on its stand against the adjacent wall.

It felt like my bones had been replaced with lead as my body sunk further into the cushion.

The arm that was pressed against my side pulled at me further, it was as though Adora was trying to squeeze me into being my old self again. It was probable seeing that when we started our friendship I was the social monarch; I was the one that suggested we play dress up and have mock fashion shows, I was lively and affectionate.

And now they're stuck with this sad shadow of a human, not truly wanting to deal with my sad state yet still desperate to hold onto the friendship that they'd begun with.

I felt bad; they hadn't signed up to always be rushing behind me, picking up the slack that I couldn't bear to handle. It was selfish, I was selfish.

I sat up suddenly, pushing away from Adora as well as the thoughts that wanted to smother me with guilt. My eyes made contact with the fridge causing an idea to form. I got up, not bothering to explain my intentions but the need to tell them about my encounter with our boss finally rearing its head.

"Terri cornered me in the elevator." My words flowed around the room causing an unsettling tension to fill it, gradually it increased until Jesus decided he was to be the one to cut through it.

"What happened though?" His questions froze me in place for a second, sending my mind back through the day's tiring events.

Where do I even start?

My steps continued, a new determination filling my body as I cracked open the metal box, looking around at its contents before pulling out my designated target.

The bottle of Tito's greeted me nicely, its cool bottle calming the nerves that I'd not been able to get rid of all morning, with one simple touch; I'd not even opened the bottle itself yet but the feeling of knowing my relief would be soon, was enough.

I reached back slightly, grabbing a few shot glasses in my hands before walking back towards their direction; immediately after I'd emptied my hands it was full once more, the bottle made a slight hiss as I opened the new liquor, the light brown hue of it tempted me whilst the sting of whiskey simultaneously burned my nostrils, causing my to gag and choke.

It was a strange, satisfying feeling of being sick of something yet longing to experience it 24/7.

The liquid burned my throat as I threw back a few decent sized shots, hoping that if I started heavy enough that my day would just rewind and change trajectory.

Yet, as the words flowed from my mouth it only seemed to make it more real.

"She, uhh" I didn't even want to say it; especially since I didn't even know what the hell had possessed her in that moment to even look at me, let alone do...that.

"She t-told me to, uh" I felt my ears get hot, I was getting embarrassed and it was infuriating; I hadn't asked for her to corner me, yet I now have to deal with the emotional repercussions.

I took another shot. This time the liquid was less bitter, I focused hard on the heat that had begun collecting at the tips of my fingers and toes.

Adora leaned forward in an attempt to console what she must have thought was a very traumatic event; which wasn't too far off considering the context, her arm knocked the bottle slightly and I lunged forward my fear of having to leave the house in search of another bottle kicking in the more distorted my vision got.

My hands wrapped easily around the mouth of the bottle, lifting it up over my head as though it were a trophy I was displaying to the world. The liquid sloshed around its carrier loudly but remained inside its crystal vessel.

The bottle was safe, however in my drunken state I misjudged the space between the table and the couch causing my knee to smack against the old wood causing it to give a loud groan as it slid over, leaning on its left side stubbornly.

"Damn, sorry Rupert." I heard Adora say as she absently patted the ancient table.

A smirk began to take form as I thought of my dear old Rupert, he'd traveled with me through my childhood all the way to now and it was evident from the amount of wear and tear that adorned the beloved furniture.

My hand massaged the tender area as I returned to my previous seat, bottle in tow. My two friends followed my lead, grabbing up one of the presented glasses before pouring the liquid to a little over the halfway mark. Their questioning gazes met mine again; I felt sweat begin to pool into my palms.

I didn't understand where my nerves were coming from, I was never this jittery about gossip; nor had I ever been one to shy away from telling a good story.

However the longer their eyes stayed on me, the more it seemed like I was experiencing some kind of stage fright.

They sat quietly, consciously allowing me to get my thoughts in order. I could hear, as well as feel Jesus's leg tapping vigorously as he waited for me to begin talking; the movement shook my left side gently, like half of a rhythmless massage chair.

The fuzz in my brain seemed to die down a little bit as I thought back to the elevator, how close she had gotten to me and the feeling of being her trapped prey that came soon after.

My stomach twisted in unease as the feeling began creeping back up my spine, her icy blue eyes had burned themselves into the back of my mind; I felt as though she were listening in on us, waiting for someone to say something about her so that she could jump out and hurt all of us.

It was an irrational notion, an impossible one in fact; but I still found myself looking around the small area, inspecting any small anomalies.

When I found none I released my breath, preparing for the words that I was going to eventually have to say.

It's not even that big of a deal, she didn't ask me to strip or anything; just to smile more!

My thoughts were racing as I continued to second guess myself.,

Maybe it wasn't anything, maybe I'm just being dramatic!

With that thought I gave myself one last swish of the liquid courage before putting the glass on the lopsided table which gave another displeasing groan but stayed in place nonetheless.

I took a breath, then another; my eyes didn't want to open as I faced forward. The words were dangling at the tip of my tongue dangerously, as though the moment I began to talk I wouldn't stop, I'd tell them about the strange encounter with that girl Ashley, along with a novel length discourse of all the other thoughts and feelings that had been crushing me all morning.

"Sh-she told me t-to smile," I paused for a second as I realized how utterly mortifying this whole situation truly was, "because it made me look c-cute?" The statement came out a bit more questioningly as I finally relayed the backassward conversation between my usually sadistically critical employer.

My eyes remained glued shut as the words sloppily stumbled out from between my teeth; it went dead quiet, so much so I could hear Rupert's consistent low groan as he sat unevenly on my slick wooden floors, the slip-proof pads having no grip after so long of use.

I wanted to keep my eyes closed, especially now that the brown liquid had finally reached its mark; the fuzzy warmth swallowed me whole. The darkness behind my eyes seemed to lighten as I began to see her, the long tangled hair remained in that horrible braid that always used to tickle my face. Those deep, warm eyes welcomed me as well as her arms as they wrapped around me comfortingly.

I felt safe, oh so safe that I almost forgot that I was in my very own apartment, surrounded by my two friends as I told them of my tragic excuse for a story. I expected to see their disdain when I opened my eyes, hidden behind disappointed glares; so I hid behind my eyelids as they played back the memories that were too hard to deal with sober .

Adora's hand left its spot on my thigh, the sudden extraction caused my eyes to open as the warmth from her touch slowly faded; I wouldn't lie and say I wasn't saddened slightly, her body heat was one of my last resources for comfort.

I didn't know whether to be annoyed or amused, simply because their reactions were borderline theatrical as the pair sat on either side of me with mirrored expressions.

The look of shock on their faces contended that of Faye Dunaway's in Mommy Dearest, their expressions displayed a heavy mixture of appalled, offended and just down right flabbergasted.

It was as if they'd rehearsed their reactions beforehand, they sat ridiculously similar, as if I'd split a playing card down the middle and placed its twin queens on either side of my couch; their glasses hung loosely in their grips.

Taking the initiative, I took the feeble cups and pushed them onto Rupert's overly painted surface; the action alone gave me the courage I needed to once again face them, their expressions changed drastically per person whereas Adora's expression had taken one of confusion but was still full of reassurance, Jesus's had shifted to one I couldn't quite pinpoint; my eyes strayed back to Adora's as the unpredictability of his gaze had caused my heart to lurch forward. A feeling of anxiety settling deep into my stomach as I waited for their answer.

Adora's voice was the first to break the silence that had settled upon us, her soft melodious tone comforted me as though I were on the edge of a deep abyss and she was coaxing me towards the light.

"Hey, that's ok right?" She gave me a bright smile, the gleam in her eyes growing so much that her expression could combat that of a child on Christmas; her face seemed to glow at the positive opportunity.

She was like a walking smiley face emoji as she continued to comfort me like a wounded infant.

She was like a walking smiley face emoji as she continued to comfort me like a wounded infant. "The whole thing sounds weird but it wasn't bad, was it?" She asked me lightly with the same joyful look to her, yet I could hear the caution in her voice.

Hesitantly I began to allow her words to soothe me, taking every stressor related to the situation and turning them into silly little inconveniences; something I could look back on and joke about, like 'Did she get laid or what?" And laugh amongst my friends. Like the old times, I felt a small flicker of hope, the smallest spark that seemed to etch a small sear heat somewhere deep within me.

However small, I knew that this feeling succeeded even the influence of the brown liquor; whose burn had subsided to a dull simmer.

My eyes traveled over to my other friend who had not said a word throughout the entire exchange, Jesus sat with a grim expression as though his thoughts had taken him down a dark path. I would've been concerned had he not turned his eyes to me accusingly. I flinched at the sudden animosity that was thrown at me from someone I had considered close to me.

I saw his jaw clench once, then again as his anger grew, I had never seen this side of him, he looked genuinely pissed.

When he spoke it came out low as though he were at war with the situation itself.

"Are you f*****g kidding me?" He exclaimed angrily, stunning both Adora and I into silence.