Her Hidden Side

Chapter three

When I got to my car my hands clutched on the steering wheel. I could feel an anxiety attack approaching. I have been through this so many times I know exactly what to do but I didn’t want to have to do it in front of Samantha’s house. They could come out at any minute and see this so I didn’t what any rational person would do.

I went on acting normal and drove to my house.

I drive down the intersection feeling my anxiety rise even more than it was before at Samantha’s house. I had to get home before it hit me. What if I didn’t get home in time? Would I have it in the car and crash?

My mom didn’t want me to drive ever since my disorder got worse but I wanted to be normal and normal kids have their driver license. When I went to take my driver test I had an anxiety attack. It was the first time it had happen in a social place, where people saw it happen. Luckily nobody that I actually knew from school was there.

I start speeding down the intersection my mother always told me that if I felt one coming then to stop the car somewhere and call her or my brother but this time I just drove straight to my house.

As soon as I hit the brakes in front of my house I ran inside not bothering to count the steps. There was 34 steps to get into my house I would count them to calm myself down if I was feeling stressed at home. This time was different there were neighbors outside doing a barbecue so I didn’t do it this time.

As I ran inside my brother was siting on the couch. I shut the door and slide down it putting my hand on my chest to try and steady my breathing. My brother saw me and ran over to me. “Hey, hey breathe ,your okay. I’m right here sis.” My brother knew that holding me would only make things worse so he just put his hand on my back to try and offer comfort but I could feel it.

Tear involuntarily fell down my face as i bring my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them. “I-I can’t brea-“I was cut of by my brother. “Don’t say that okay, just follow my lead.” He raises his hands in a breathing motion ,going up and down. “Go in,” he inhales.” Then out” he kept repeating those words. Those same words replaying in my head as I carefully breathed in and out.

My breath started to slow down and so did my anxiety. My brother was always good at calming me down. He knew what to do and what not to do. “Are you okay?” He asked gently as he got up and held his hand out for me to take. I hesitated before reluctantly taking it. “Yeah I think so.” I reply. “How long have you been feeling like you were going to have an episode. Usually you don’t just barge in and start having one unless you’ve been feeling it for a while.” My brother explained. His voice was soft but stern at the same time.

I know I couldn’t lie to him, he always saw right through me. “Since Samantha’s house this morning. I was just working on my presentation and started feeling it when Hailey was helping me with the project. She was just really close and it was stressing me out.” I explain how I was feeling when I started feeling it.

“Are you ever going to tell them about your disorder max?” He sighed. I know that me hiding my disorder was frustrating for him. He would always tell me that there was nothing wrong with me even though I had it. When I was little I believed him but as I grew older I realized that if there wasn’t anything wrong with me then why am I taking meds for it? If there wasn’t anything wrong with me I would be normal, I wouldn’t have to hide things from my friends

After I calmed down my brother sat me down and we watched a movie until my mother got home. We explained what happened when she got home. I got lectured about not stopping somewhere and calling one of them but she wasn’t mad.

My mother isn’t the one to get mad exactly. She gets upset and uses the disappointment card but she doesn’t get mad. Unless we do something stupid, then she does get mad.

My mother made brought food and we ate while talking about our day. My mother is an average size woman she has black curly hair, it’s where I get it from. She had dark brown eyes as well. My brother is tall about 6’0 and he has amber eyes. My father also had amber eyes but he’s not in the picture anymore. He left when I was about eight and we haven’t talked to him since then.

After we ate I realized it was 3:00. “I have to go” I say standing up. I walk to the kitchen to put my plate up and grab my keys. “Okay sweetie love you, call us if you have another episode okay?” My mom says in a stern loving voice. She wanted me to know that she loved me but she would hurt me if I didn’t call her again. I chuckle, “okay mom bye” I say as I walk out of the door.

Count…count

I had to count 34 steps before I went into my car. If I didn’t I wouldn’t get the satisfaction of knowing how many steps there will be and I’ll just wonder how many I could have done. I would start stressing about how I didn’t do it and then an episode would occur.

I start the car and start driving towards Samantha’s house. I knock on her bedroom door. “Oh my god yes just in time!” Hailey squeaked as she opened the door. She then grabbed my arm and dragged me back down the stairs while the other girls giggled and followed us.

We all get into Samantha’s car and start driving towards the dress shop. It was about 25 minutes away from Samantha’s house.

What if I have an episode?

What if they question why i fidget in public?

What if they-

My overthinking was cut short by Hailey nudging me out of the car. We all get out and head into the dress shop. It was filled with long, short, all kinds of elegant dresses. I could never wear one of these. These are the kind of dresses that make people stare as you walk into a room. That’s what the girls wanted, not what I wanted.

I didn’t want to be stared at I wanted to be invisible. I didn’t like people staring at me I would always feel as if they were judging me and maybe they were. That’s what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid that people are talking about me and then when I feel like they are my anxiety rises.

My mother is weary about me going to this dance but I can’t just not go. I promised the girls I would and I don’t go back on a promise.