The Devil In Beautiful People

Many have said that "The devil was a fallen angel." Maybe they're right. A wise Lady would say "There can only be two sides to every coin." Born with what the doctors should have diagnosed me as (SBS) or Split Brain Syndrome, definitely didn't make life easier. Not to mention, on top of that I wasn't able to stem emotions. Making me EMOTIONLESS, I will say it didn't make it easy for people to socialize with me. Unless it peaked my interest. They also might have mentioned that I had failed at the beginning. A detail so bold yet it seemed so easy to forget or was it just hiding a lot of truth within knowing. I never did see myself as a victim, well not until recently that is. Noticing that I have been very much victimized, not only that but also profiled and judged for a life I wasn't in control of. When I was a toddler I was placed into the corrupt system of the 90s. It was a real broken, unorganized untrusting manipulative system. It had me defined as a system kid, or problematic. Only to be neglected by those who preached that they knew better. Silenced and told that I had no idea what I was talking about. Going by other people's assumptions leaving me instantly accused without hearing me speak. Forced to not speak. As it was considered a problem. To this day it still is. While I stay silent has now become an issue, and I get in trouble for not speaking. Being called rude or disrespectful. As I think about it, A lot of the time I'd be put in a room for hours, while they would watched me closely on what they'd refer to as a one to one. Forced to not feel. To be told that it's not okay. It honestly wasn't much different than being home. Only difference is that I cared for those who only saw me as a mistake. What I considered to be my own emotions, what I knew as my own thoughts, they made me feel like I was wrong. Some days, when I would speak up, it would backfire and I'd be held down with restraints, medicated with 2 shots Not because I wanted it, but because the doctor had said so. I wonder If the doctor kept me quiet, because they knew I'd tell my mum. I would have she knew something was up. Not having a say or a voice bothered me. Absolutely nobody gave me that chance. It was like I wasn't allowed to. Although I will admit I didn't really make the effort either after a while I just stopped trying. So maybe the word victim isn't a word I would use lightly, on its own I mean. I can say I've been victimized in more ways than one. It left me as an adult fearful. I became scared of everything. realizing it was instinctively drilled into my head. It wasn't healthy! To understand now it was traumatic. I was traumatized. I've lived a portion of my life unknown.     In all truths, I never really gave a s**t, so I didn't even bother to ask any questions. I've always just tried to embrace what life threw at me.Quietly accepting what they would say would be wrong with me."Yes! Finally" I started to internally cheer. I would finally know a little bit more about myself. Feeling happy as now I knew one thing. It felt really good to know something that would be a part that made me. Of course, that feeling didn't last long as I was fooled and misjudged. Just to be placed back to be left unknown once again. Sitting here, I can only say to myself,"I probably should have asked" I have lived a life, my life! I wouldn't change a thing, with the many great accomplishments I've made. To have learned from my mistakes to grow wiser, achieving what many would tell me is either impossible or difficult, just to hear them say: "I didn't know that she could do that? Did you know she could?" Leaving them in awe. Today as I am in my early 30s, also a single mom, I have come to realize that I am left in this state of confusion. Which I will be the first to say is far more terrifying than living a life unknown. To be forced to face reality only to recognize  "The Devil in Beautiful People."