A Poetry book about my stretching struggles dealing with continuously unfolding traumatic revelations that comes every day

I wanted to be a soldier to protect my family and country........ I understood fear is a self-infliction. Fear is when you create hell and blame the demons for sheltering. I witnessed repulsion extinguish flames of love,unstoppable like a forest fire when a home became a torture house.... The Christmas trees shining in glittering colours of joyful celebrations, But father Christmas is a wolf in sheep skin dishing hate in caddy wraps of resentment and abuse,that robs hopeful security...... I am a soldier who protects the weak sharing a piece of love that is privileged a few I give the roses and let the fragrance of healing ooz on sufferance. Wearing a uniform that I pledged to die for in vows paraphrased in words that vexed my intergrial notions, but earned my signature...to fight against any enemy that threatens security to love .. I am carrying a gun following orders in a battle that takes away my life due to blind fellowship.... Dying for reasons we cannot question and disobey,because we are scared our concerns will be labelled "Treason". Every time I pull the trigger I hear echoing voices of a mother telling me in a wounded sound to be a mirror that reflects humility and truth..... But l look at my surroundings littered with scattered dead bodies torn to pierces fighting blindly to win a victory,alas,unsung in praise of gallantry in the halls of history. Only leaders with shiny shoes and a dictatorial whips gets the ululations of bravery, showering shamelessly in the spoils of a war history propaganda to spoon-feed their injured egos. Am l a soldier or a terrorist? I see my enemy in the same uniform terrorizing my right to dispute an order with their ardoned ranks...... Because they don't understand the ghosts that l cheat with intoxications that therap my sanity. I sleep on pills that steal away my soul making deals with demons to obtain another restful sleep....a shovel deeper to my grave. Am i going to suffer for love...? I lost my self to rescue what was never there? Get cheated on but hating myself for not being good enough. Pray for mercy but feeling the need to hate the reason l loved something that is giving me so much hurt? Dreams shelved,life lost to a commitment that was meant to imprison? Withering away in misery because of insecurities that bleeds my fingers when l want a rose? Am l a soldier or a terrorist? I see soldiers on the streets searching for pills to obliterate the memories of death.... Dawning realisation sinking in that we are all pawns in defferent colours, but same board different sides. Slaves with weapons,moved by choices that sacrifice us to better others...... We get purple hearts to wear on our shoulders for the injuries we suffer... Thrown to a society that is foreign to us with disabilities unrewarded.... Victimized by normality that we endanger our loved ones with terrors of war we wear. l am your imperfection your design couldn't mend. Afraid of peace yet peaceful in blooded trenches of death. What heart decoration is tantamount to represent my emotional pain? That i sell my soul and sanity for a low life packet of snow to sooth the wheels of my mind from burning coals of depression. Losing myself for a passage on the white line train to hell in ramshackled buildings. How is that fighting for peace when l suffer your jaws and get sput for loosing taste? Even demons and Angels fly together. But they command fear in defferent ways. You paint my wings dark and call me names to inspire people with manipulations of hell that you condemned me... Mudding my name for the dirty you couldn't cleanse! I am a lone soldier on a mission, Feeding my belly with the monsters l prey on. Giving you reason to enhance your erroneous leeching on righteousness.... I am a terrorist you couldn't control ... Am l a soldier raising my own flag fighting for love. You give free will and steal it by enforcing commandments with fear of sin.... I am love that feeds on monsters who masquerade as Trojan horses. "A ScareCrow"... I am fear that haunts your mind... Luis Rupende