"Smile, You're Dead" Silent Battles

intro In the pages of this book, I invite you to walk with me through the labyrinth of my life. Delve into the depths of my struggles with depression and sadness, overthinking , where darkness often feels overwhelming. Discover the bittersweet moments of love, the tender connections with family, and the haunting nightmares that have plagued my nights. Witness the relentless battle against cancer and the impact it has had on my spirit and those around me. Delve into the depths of failure, loneliness, and the resilience found in fighting battles alone. This is my story—a raw, honest reflection of enduring pain, finding hope, and the unyielding spirit to keep moving forward, and the unyielding quest for meaning in a world fraught with challenges. Do not read the following pages unless you are ready for your life to change forever. **Why do we write?** I write to rid myself of madness. I write so that I don't collapse. I write to rescue myself from loss. I write to survive death in life, to free myself from diseases! I write so that the hallucinations in my head dissolve, transferring these hallucinations to white paper. I write to forget the madness. I write to escape the monsters, but I didn't know that my writings would eventually lead me towards the devil. I started writing so that the devil wouldn't eat me. Writing is madness, and every writer is insane, but not every insane person is a writer. **To my nightmares that were my inspiration, thank you. As terrifying as you were, you were a true inspiration to me.** Van Gogh says: *Where does life take me? And what does the mind do to us? It takes away the joy of things and leads us towards writing!* And I say: *Where does life take me? And what do my nightmares do to me? All my dreams and nightmares lead me towards writing and madness!* I contemplate terror, fear, and boredom if it were not for my pen and papers, with which I recreate my nightmares anew on the canvas until they emerge from the depths of my mind and settle on a white sheet of paper. What should I do? I want to invent new lines and colors other than those that fill my life every day.All colors and drawings have a ghostly, frightening, terrifying, and gloomy glow in my mind. Is it like this in nature? Or is my mind sick? **Note:** Before we begin, all the drawings are mine. Some are taken from my thoughts, some from my mind, and most of them are taken from my nightmares. They are all drawn by hand. Please do not think too much about them so that my nightmares do not become your nightmares. Most of my nightmares are seen only once and not repeated. When I see a nightmare, I wake up and quickly start drawing the events and characters in it. Each nightmare no longer comes to me again. My mother was right that he died in the painting, but I did not know that he would come back to life! For about eight years, I have been an artist who draws his nightmares. I remember the first painting I drew in my first year of middle school. Everyone used to call me eccentric when they asked me: What is the source of your inspiration for these scary and strange drawings? My answer is always: My nightmares are the source of my inspiration and thoughts. No one blames me for this trait or curse because I only got laziness from those nightmares. These nightmares take something huge from my activity, passion for life, and psyche. After every nightmare I wake up from, I feel that I don't want anything, and I don't desire anything. I remain lying on my bed, slowly regaining my breath for about an hour or an hour and a half, after which I get up and draw the nightmare. I can no longer differentiate between reality and nightmares! I used all the medications and painkillers to no avail. I resisted sleeping so that I wouldn't have a nightmare. I suffered from insomnia and went crazy until I reached the point of contemplating suicide. I actually decided to commit suicide, but each time hesitated and was afraid. You know how difficult it is to kill yourself. It's not an easy thing at all! My dad calls me an insane son: "I gave birth to a monster that scares his mom and family with his stupid dreams." My mom was the only worried person at home. She took me to see a therapist many times, but the man was telling me they are just bad dreams, nothing more. They were just giving me meds to sleep, but whenever I slept, I had them again and again every night. For years I have been living in the crowd of these nightmares. They started with me suddenly without warning. I do not know their source or reason. I do not remember being exposed to a scary incident to become complex or anything else. I did not leave a single psychiatrist without visiting him, and I did not leave a single treatment without taking it. I did not leave a single hospital in the country without entering it. My mother was forced to present my case on many websites on the Internet, sites that specialize in strange and rare cases, but to no avail!why ? because it is f*****g Asia you cant be weak grow up and be like a real man... I can't describe every one of my nightmares or every drawing I did, but they were scary and disgusting………. 1. a fantastical creature with exaggerated facial features. The creature has large, pointed ears and a wide, open mouth displaying sharp teeth. Its eyes are round and prominent, giving an intense expression. appearance 2. He was deformed, ugly in appearance, his body was the body of a pig, his face was the face of an ape, his eyes were slit lengthwise, his teeth were all one bone, he had no beard, his hands were on his shoulders, he had two other hands on his sides, and his fingers were one. 3. a surreal old ugly scary woman figure with elongated limbs and exaggerated proportions, carrying another figure on its back. The primary figure has long, flowing hair and a distorted face, with pale skin tones. The secondary figure appears smaller, with similarly distorted features. 4. a demonic figure with a surreal and grotesque style. highlighting the subject's eerie features. The figure has a blue skin tone, exaggerated facial features, and sharp, pointed ears. Two small horns protrude from the forehead ,The eyes are white and glowing, adding to the menacing appearance. The mouth is wide open, revealing multiple rows of sharp, jagged teeth, with a red tongue visible. 5. I'm lying on a bed screaming, and I can not move. Two women with long black hair and completely black eyes are sitting with me. They touch me with their long nails on my head. Their faces are disfigured with blood and wounds. They smile with big, open mouths and long teeth like bones. 6. Two big hairy men with small legs hold a man tied to the ground, cut off his tongue and vocal cords, then beat his fingers with an iron hammer, and the man doesn't scream. Above the man, two black doves stick to his head and drink the blood from his fingers. 7. A woman with a bald man with two heads in her mouth, blood flowing from his eyes, and he is also screaming from his two mouths. Inside his first mouth are many ugly faces like animals, all of them screaming. The second mouth is in the second head, and inside it is a girl screaming and devouring her infant child while she is crying. These are just a few that I was having. "I can never reveal to people what is in my mind enough, lest they turn away from me in terror and fear." — Franz Kafka Nightmares are linked to any particular stress or event but mine I don't really know.Sometimes our minds process stress or unresolved issues through dreams, which can lead to nightmares , my nightmares were different , and no one can believe them so i had no interest to tell people at that time, i was a boy and scared that might think I'm insane or something , scared of they would put me in mental hospital. So, the only treatment that worked was drawing them. After many drawings, I felt less scared and less stressed, and I wasn't afraid of them anymore. It was like I got used to it." My creative outlet has given me a powerful way to face my fears. Over time, these nightmares are gone. I don't know how, but I stopped having them, and because of them, they made me an artist. I never asked myself why I was having them or how when I had them, or maybe my mind was busy with something else. I was just scared and wishing they would stop. and Now I don't even want to ask about them anymore.... Sorry I can not show you the drawings because they are really disgusting , unsightly ………