The Driver

CHAPTER 16

            I left the airport. I had no idea where to go. I did not want to go home because I could not bear to know that she would not be there. I could not stay at my house when I knew she was running away from me. I could not bear the thought of being alone again.

        Izabela left again but this time I had a painful and deep feeling that I would never see her again and that her departure was final. My day had been easier just with the thought of seeing her again, hugging her and kissing her.

        Now that she was gone, there was no point in going home. I drove through the city without any particular direction. Lost in a parallel world where Izabela was waiting for me eagerly and impatiently at home, my brain being isolated from this world, I continued my way on the streets.

        At one point I stopped in front of a bar. I don't know how I managed to see it or what made me stop right in front of it but one thing was for sure. I had to park the car and drink. I had not drunk alcohol in a long time, and that evening I was going to drink until I will fell under the table.

        My blood was boiling in my veins and my senses were urging me to drink and my brain was sending impulses that made me believe in the happiness and peace offered by alcohol in those moments.

        I ordered a bottle of whiskey and six cans of Red Bull so as not to disturb the waiter with every glass he had to bring. I sat down at a table in a dark corner and started drinking. At one point there was a love song in the background and I started to cry.

        I think I was too drunk, I had already drunk half a bottle. "What do you mean, crying? Me?" That crossed my mind as I felt tears dampen my cheeks. I was more intoxicated than I could realize.

People started looking at me funny when suddenly, I heard the phone ring.

        The short sound of a message. It was past midnight, and no one was calling or texting at that time. Izabela had, however, decided to respond to my messages. I could barely read it because of how drunk I was so I had to read the message a few times to understand everything that was written there.

        "I'm sorry I had to leave like this. I had to run again. I did not run away from you; I ran away from me. I spent an unforgettable night with you, and I do not want to let my feelings for you ruin my plans. I was happy last night. For the first time in many years, I felt happy again. I felt loved and that scared me. I decided to leave because that is what is best for both of us. I am not ready for a relationship and I am not willing to give up everything just to be with you. Sorry. Please do not look for me anymore and try to get me out of your thoughts. Be happy and take care of yourself.”

        I think I started crying like a kid because the waiter came up to me and asked me if I was okay. He told me I looked like I saw a ghost.

        In silence and without much fuss left I finished drinking the rest of the alcohol in the bottle. I did not even bother to put it in the glass. I tried to walk as normally as possible and tripped a few times before I get to the door.

       The waiter insisted on calling me a cab when he came out after me, but I refused his offer. I told him that I have enough years of experience as a driver and I can drive even when I am drunk, and not only.

        I even insisted that I was not drunk but just disappointed. A bad brain that did not work even at negative parameters after so much alcohol. It was simply inert. I got in the car and put my head on the steering wheel for a few minutes.

        I was thinking about her and I could not understand why all this was happening to me. Why did I have to know her if I was going to suffer like a madman after her? "f**k you Izabela." I started the car and started driving with speed.

        Adrenaline was flowing through my veins and I wanted more and more speed, so I got out of town. How did I do that? I have no idea. I could not see where I was driving, but my driving instincts guided my steering wheel and pedals to drive like crazy.

        I ended up in the same field where I had sat with her on the hood of the car in the rain and started driving at even more speed. I do not know how fast I was because my image was blurred from alcohol and tears, but at one point I hear a deafening bang, and my eyes closed.

        I could hear sirens in the distance, and I could not understand what was happening to me. I could not open my eyes and I could not feel anything. I could only hear the sirens. I could hear vaguely, and I could not figure out where I was or what I was doing.

        Suddenly there were a lot of voices around me. I could not see anything. It was all dark until I saw a white light. I reached out and then it was quiet. Death came as a relief because I was getting rid of everything, I left behind my body and rose to the sky.

        However, there followed a period of adaptation, which I found rather strange. It also seemed familiar, as if I had done this several times before.

        After breaking away from earthly hardships and worries, from all that is evil. I found the perfect peace and tranquility that my temporal being had instinctively sought from the birth followed.

        Unable to define or gather all the components into one chalice, everything seemed to me as if it had always been known to me. I also knew about the light even though I did not believe in it.

        The brightest of all. Strong. Single. Welcoming. If I had to compare it to something else, I would have called it a welcome home or a return to a happy childhood, or as a reliving of the happiest moments of earthly life... just a little better.

        The light was simply pulling me towards her, as you draw a light breeze of fresh air. And I was willingly approaching, gladly. I was isolated in the light, but I was not sure. I felt like a shiny molecule in space, surrounded by billions of other bright molecules that I could not see but feel.

        I perceived their presence, their energy, their singularity, their merging with the whole. Now I was part of the whole; I had always been and will forever be. I was overjoyed, deep happiness.