The Driver

CHAPTER 17 Izabela

                                      Izabela

        After he recovered from his coma, after two months of sitting next to him day and night, I proposed to him on the hospital bed. I did not want to lose him, and I did not want to lose my right to happiness. I proposed to him to be my husband before I told him I was pregnant.

        I did not want him to be somehow influenced to accept by the fact that I was pregnant.  I wanted him to accept me, as I was, with flaws and qualities. I found out I was pregnant three weeks after Alex had the accident.

       I was feeling worse every day and after I passed out a few times, Alex's doctor suggested I have a blood test. I thought it was because of the fatigue because I could not sleep.

        The test results came sooner than I expected, and I was shocked when I heard. I think I fainted at that moment because I found myself lying on a bed. I did not know whether to enjoy it or start crying.

        I did not know if Alex would ever recover or if he would ever want to fight for his life again. Especially after I left without telling him anything. I knew I had hurt him enormously, even though it hurt me too because I had denied my right to happiness.

        Sometimes I sit and think, I think if there is any point, if there is any point in loving, loving you for who you are. Are you my Universe? Sometimes I sit and think if you care about me, if you care about me as much as I care about you, so much that a paper top would not be enough to write it... I mean, I cannot explain in words how I feel.

        I feel something strange, but pleasant, and it drives me crazy! Sometimes I sit and think, did we ever think about each other at the same time? Sometimes I cried! I was not necessarily crying about your longing because I did not have you, but I wanted you, I was crying because I was stupid!

        I do not have the nerve to write to you, to show my feelings, to tell you that I love you with all my heart. Sometimes I did not sleep at night, because the thought of you kept me awake. I was wondering if you were okay, if you ate, if you needed anything, if you drank water, if you slept well.

        I wish I could have asked you these questions, but for now they are all in my mind. Sometimes I feel like I do not love you anymore, I feel like I hate you... A lot of times I felt like I was going crazy, because of you, when I was thinking about your hair, your eyes, your perfume, your voice, your jokes... I was just going crazy.

        I have two eyes that wanted to see you, I have two hands that wanted to hug you, I have two lips that wanted to kiss you, but I only have one heart that beats for you! You brightened my day with the sound of your voice, you brought me so many smiles and love.

        Love. All my life I have heard about it, I have read about it, I have dreamed of it, I have cried about it  and I have written about it. Now, next to you, I found it!

          Everything that's beautiful loves each other, everything that is loved is beautiful. You are so beautiful because you are so loved, and I promise you, you always will be. I promise to love you in all forms, now and always.

        I promise never to forget that this is a love you feel once in a lifetime. I adore you! Only in your presence I can breathe to the full feeling that I am finally alive; without you I truly suffocate! Without you, I cannot live.

        You are the most wonderful man in the whole world! I want to confess to you that all I feel for you is true love. Yes, I finally admitted it. What I feel cannot be described in words.

        I have never felt such a deep love. I love you! I love you because without you it is hard, and I cannot find myself. I love you for the peace of mind given to the moments with you, I love you because you know how to smile at me, because you know how to comfort me, because you know how to touch me, to hug me. I love you!

        I want you to know that every day I have been thinking about you, I would like to kiss you moment by moment and have you by my side forever. If in all history I could choose a moment that I could keep bright and lively, of all the days of my life I would choose the moment when I met you.

        The moment I was standing next to your car and you got stuck when you saw me. Even though I seemed indifferent and brave, I just wanted not to show that I was surprised by your beauty, too.

        Your eyes said a lot, and yet they were hard to decipher. You fascinated me from the first moment I saw you, but I could not afford to lose my temper just for a first appearance. I wanted to know you, but I knew I was going to put your life in danger.

        I preferred to love you so much in silence just to protect you. Love was a disgrace. That is how I saw it as a child and as a teenager. My parents did not tell me they loved me until my senior year of college.

        And not because it would hit them with a huge love that they could not keep in handcuffs, but because the therapist I was starting to go he told me that I lived like a victim all my childhood.

        Nervous that I didn't understand what the hell it meant to love the people around me and that I could not control my impulse to run blind lysing whenever someone tried to get close to me, I called them one day after I managed to get rid of Marcel.

        On the way to the subway I had a crisis on the phone and blocked their numbers. Both. I found it irresponsible and cruel what they had done. How could they raise their child without teaching it to love? How could they raise their child without loving it?

        It took me a few years to understand. I take it why, if you grew up with an alcoholic and abusive father, you do not know how to express affection! Why, if you were forever the child who was wrong, you cannot see other forms of love!

        My mom wrote to me on f*******: that day. She asked me to answer her and told me she loved me. That she always did. I knew she loved me, because of her love for me I am alive today, but she had never been able to show it. At least not in front of Dad.

        If he had seen that my mother was loving me or playing with me, I think he would have beaten her until she stopped breathing.

        I was very happy because my boyfriend had recovered. Yes, my boyfriend because I had given up that stupid promise and now, I had made one worth fighting for. That is to make him happy every day.