The Driver

CHAPTER 2

            I was driving hundreds of miles every day and I loved doing that. As tiring as it was, I was holding out. I was driving all over Europe and I was happy. That was my only happiness in life.

        These were the only times I felt fulfilled and full of life. The steering wheel was my best friend. I was not driving a truck like Mr. Mihai once did. I was driving a 3.5-ton van.

        I even had a bed in the cabin. Not as big as the one in the trucks, but at least I was not sleeping on the car seat. There were days when I spent time in parking lots and days when I was driving like crazy.

        I was distributing very expensive car parts to various companies all over Europe. I always had to be careful where I park to rest because in many parking lots there were thieves stealing the goods.

        I was risking my life as well as my job if I did not take all the precautions. I had heard many stories in which drivers were asleep with a gas that was either inserted through the crack of the window because they left it open so they wouldn't die asphyxiated because of the heating system, or they were asleep through the car's ventilation system.

        Then the thieves even stole their wallets with documents and all the money. I met a lot of drivers in different parking lots who did not even have the money to eat.

        I always offered them what I was having with me. Every driver has a story to tell. Each driver makes sacrifices for his family, but among them were those who spent all their money on alcohol, s*x, or gambling.

        I also had the tragic experience of getting acquainted with death twice, in the same place.

        I woke up at the exit of the roundabout. It all lasted less than a minute, during which time I saw a woman on the car seat next to me who put her hand on my shoulder and tried to wake me up.

        The same story happened on my return from Spain when I went through the same roundabout. It is said that a woman died there who was run over by a truck while the driver had fallen asleep while he was driving.

        Since then many drivers who enter that roundabout fall asleep and are always woken up before they come out of the way by the same woman who appears next to them.

        I once had a wife. I met her in a parking lot in Arad. It was midnight when I arrived in Romania and decided to go to a hotel to rest.

        My back was hurting terribly, I had driven 36 hours without a break. I was not happy about sleeping in the cabin bed, being too small.

        I needed a big bed to stretch my legs and a hot shower. After I parked the car, I went to the restaurant to eat something warm, real food.

        I had been gone for two weeks and I was sick of canned food and sandwiches. I really wanted to eat beef belly soup. While I waited for my food to be brought, I watched lost in space.

        I did not have a specific point where I was looking, and I did not have a specific thought to pay attention to. Suddenly I heard a woman's voice. I did not understand what she was saying, but I understood from the tone of her voice that she was in danger.

        I did not know where it came from, but I went to see what was going on. There were a lot of trucks in the parking lot and no woman was seen. I looked everywhere and there was no sign of a woman in the parking lot. Even the prostitutes were not around at the time.

        I turned to the restaurant because her voice could not be heard anymore. I was probably too tired and started to hear voices. As I walked up the stairs to enter the restaurant, I heard a woman's voice again, this time much closer.

        I turn around and see her, she was on her knees in front of me. Full of bruises and blood on her face. Behind her was a man with a baseball bat in his hand. It was like a script from a horror movie and I was supposed to be her hero.

        I reached out to her to help her get up and threatened the guy to disappear otherwise I will call the police. It was simpler than I expected.

        I had a crazy, out-of-the-ordinary desire to beat him until he ran out of the air, but to my surprise, he ran away from us too quickly. After washing her face and eating together   she told me how she got into that situation.

        Being forced by the precarious situation in her family she decided to work on the street for a short period of time. She had started on her own and ended up in the hands of that man who was part of a mafia clan. That man was part of a prostitution mafia. Her mother was very ill and needed a lot of money urgently to help her treat herself.

        He had seized Maria and was going to force her into prostitution there in that parking lot. She managed to escape, but not before being disfigured by him and meeting me. I was her hero after all. A hero who married her.

        A marriage that lasted three years and proved to be a real burden on me. I did not realize that until I got rid of her. Maybe that was also the reason she did not want us to have a family, she did not want us to have kids.

         It is only now that I feel like I am alive. It is not for nothing that they say love is blind. Now I just want to enjoy my freedom and live everything I have lost in the last three years. I only lived for her and for her happiness.

        Whatever I did she was not satisfied. When I came home, I would only get reproaches, when I was away, I would only hear screams on the phone. I loved her and I was fooling myself every day that she would love me too, but she only loved my money.

        After the divorce, I decided to give up my job as a driver in the community. Mr. Mihai had told me that I would never have a normal life if I chose this job and yet I did it for fifteen years.

        I wanted to work in my country even though all the places were full of memories that will always haunt me. I had never been loved and appreciated in my three years of marriage.  My wife had only used me to escape from the prostitution mafia and secure a carefree future.

        She just wanted to take advantage of my kindness and naivety as everyone who knew me had. No one had ever appreciated me for the qualities I had, and they always brought out only the dark side of me. And that part was darker than darkness and more painful than death.

        I have long wanted to die, but I have never had the courage. I had the courage to take a chance and make many sacrifices, but still, I never managed to have the courage to end my days. I was always imagining how I could have done it, but I could not get to the facts.

        Perhaps I should have done it and not waited for death to appear in my life and ask me to go with it.

        I could not even trust my instincts anymore. How many times I have had it turned out to be a great disillusionment. I was happy driving because I was alone with my thoughts. Then I could imagine anything and dream of anything I wanted.

        I often imagined what it would be like to have a perfect life, to have a family that loved me and offered support when I needed it.

        A family that is always there for me, willing to make sacrifices for me. Now I am a lost man. And literally and figuratively. I am a man lost on the streets of foreignness and a man lost in his own pain.

        I miss myself and my smile. Whenever I look in the rearview mirror, I see a man increasingly sad, more desolate, and suffering. All I have left now is to stand up by my own strength and not let myself down. If only it were that simple! I have tried this a few times before and I failed.

        I had seen so many countries and met all kinds of people. A lot of times I had even had women who wanted me without asking me for anything in return. I always refused them because I was married and I swore, I would be devoted.

        I liked to keep my word even though I had no reason to.  That is how Mr. Mihai taught me. He told me that temptations would be at every turn and only I would decide if I would fall into their net.

        I could not be with another woman even when I found out that my wife was cheating on me. I wish I had gotten back at her and paid her in the same way, but I would not have been better than her.  I thought I gave her everything she needed.

        Even when I was away, I could give her attention and affection from a distance. I know it is not the same as standing near your loved one, but would that have stopped her from cheating on me?

        I have had the opportunity to do it so many times, and yet I have stayed faithful to her. I swore to her that I would stay that way until death broke us up, and yet perhaps it was better that only death would separate us. If I had the courage to call death sooner maybe I would not have slept with the enemy in bed.

        I had heard a lot of stories in the car parks in Europe- but it never occurred to me that I would have something like this. I had heard stories of drivers cheating on their wives whenever they were offered the chance.

        It is dangerous to work as a driver in the community, to be away from home for days or maybe even weeks away from the family. Either the wife will be deceived, or the husband will cheat. You know the day you leave home, but you do not know the day you come back or if you will ever make it home alive again.

        That is how I spent the last fifteen years of my life. I was not afraid that my marriage would break up, and yet it happened. Maybe I should have given up a lot sooner or maybe it was meant to be.

        There is no point in wondering why it all fell apart. The wounds are still open, and I certainly will not find the answer now. I must heal and be able to trust myself again. A man must be strong regardless of the suffering he carries in his heart.

        A man cannot cry in front of a woman because it would prove to her how weak he is, and she would take advantage of his weaknesses. A man cannot tell a woman everything that hurts him because he must be a superhero in front of her.

        I have had moments of weakness and maybe that is why I got here. Women think we men are inhumane. That nothing can bring us down and that we are invincible.

        Normally we should, but we are humans too, not robots. We have a heart and feelings. We suffer just like you women even if we do not always show you that. I know a woman wants to be able to always rely on the man in her life. That is what a man wants from the woman in his life too. Everything should be mutual.

        I had seen many accidents; I had lost even dear colleagues. Death is inevitable when you are behind the wheel. No matter how good you are as a driver, there will always be someone who crushes you under the wheels of a truck.

        Often drivers fall asleep while driving due to fatigue and that is when most fatal accidents happen. That is how many colleagues with who I used to have coffee within the parking lot once died. Sometimes I even wondered when my turn would come.

        I loved to drive, and I was not afraid of death. Not now that I had nothing left to lose. However, those drivers who died did not deserve such a fate. They had families, wives, and children.

        A few of them did not even get a chance to meet their first child. They died when the wives were pregnant, and I cannot even imagine their suffering.

        Lost souls who deserved the chance at life more than me. Most of them died because of fatigue. They were pressured by their bosses and not given the opportunity to rest.

        It was a boundless tragedy and far too many died in these conditions before action was taken against the patrons.