The Grind

4. And your nights will never be yours again

4

AND YOUR NIGHTS WILL NEVER BE YOURS AGAIN

That morning, she came. She pushed open the door to the shop and as the bell pinged, she took in the interior. She spotted Jake. He was leaning against the counter talking. Mary couldn’t see much of his companion. Shadow hid all but the sleeve of an old jacket.

The man was sitting on a stool leaning back into an alcove. He tipped his chair forwards to look at whoever had just come in. As he did so, he revealed a greasy mop of grey hair and the left side of a deeply wrinkled face.

For some reason, his presence made Mary uncomfortable. This is foolish, she told herself, on the verge of turning and walking back out.

Then the old man leant forward and smiled at her. By that simple action, his sullen, craggy features were transformed. In an instant, he radiated friendship and welcome.

Mary stopped in her tracks, unsure what her next move should be.

Jake was at her side in a flash.

“‘Ello, princess,” he beamed. “How lovely to see yer again so soon.”

Closing the door and taking her by the hand, he led her to a wooden stool at the counter. At his gesture, she sat. Then he nodded towards his colleague.

“This is Thomas,” he said. “Ol’ Thomas will make you feel right at ‘ome! Ain’t that right, Thomas?”

The old man had risen from his seat by now. He came around the shop counter.

“Of course I will. I’d be delighted to.” He took her hand in his and shook it. “An’ what do we call you, dearie?” he asked.

She looked up at him, doubt flashing through her troubled eyes.

“This is Mary,” Jake declared.

“The pleasure is all mine, Mary!” he said, giving her hand one final shake before releasing it.

“Jake, get the young lady a drink,” he said. “A drink an’ something to eat, perhaps.”

He looked her in the eye,

“Are you hungry, dearie?” he asked, his brow etched into deep lines of concern.

It all happened so fast. Before she could bring herself to answer, a chunk of cheese and a shot of gin were placed before her.

“Drink up, dearie,” Thomas encouraged, “it’ll make you feel better.”

She did as he suggested. She shuddered as the strong, pungent liquid went down her throat, then attacked the cheese, ripping it apart with her teeth and swallowing it down in huge lumps.

Thomas poured more gin as they watched her eat. They had seen it all before. Both judged her situation with astonishing accuracy.

After a few more drinks, her head was spinning. She barely remembered Thomas leading her to the attic and showing her the bed she could now consider her own.

In the morning, she awoke with a pounding head. She lay still, listening to the sounds of the street outside. Next, she gave thanks for having made it through the night unmolested. Then, hardly believing her change of fortune, revelling in the first safe doss for many weeks, she rolled over and went back to sleep. She slept all day, only surfacing when her stomach spasmed with the sharp pangs of hunger.

Thomas knew how to treat girls like Mary. There was no rush. He listened sympathetically to her account of her recent hardships. Allowed her time to adjust.

As the days passed, she realised she was living in a house of sin. More importantly, she realised that neither Thomas nor Jake intended to a***e her.

I can leave if I want, she reminded her deeply hidden better self.

Go on, then! challenged her inner demon.

It was no contest. She was tired of hardship. Her personal wellbeing took priority over any moral objections she may once have harboured. How her new friends made their money was of a minimal concern, one that receded more and more each passing day.

Over the weeks, she actually began to settle in, to relax, feel at home. Although the slightest criticism was still enough to transform her in an instant back to her former nasty, confrontational self. In no time at all, the drinking, the late nights, the seediness, took on the veneer of normality. Under Thomas’s expert grooming, it wasn’t much longer before these things were perfectly normal.

This was when she allowed herself to be talked around, to be dragged in deeper. She felt she should contribute. If you sink into the sea of iniquity, how bad can it be? she asked herself.

Her first client was chosen with expert care.

He was a young sailor fresh to the dock. It was quick and painless and the money was good. Afterwards, she bathed. When she materialised back into the shop, the deed wasn’t mentioned.

Like everything, like finding herself alone in the world… like sleeping outside and freezing… like nibbling the good bits from the edges of rotten food; after the first few times, she got used to it. In Dorset Street, people did whatever it took to get by. It seemed nobody was judging anybody else. Mary was with Thomas and Jake, which was all the reassurance she needed. And if she chose to keep a slight distance, that was her prerogative. Folk gave her time to settle in.

From her very first time, Thomas let her keep a few pennies. He wanted her to feel she was in control of her own affairs. He’d dealt with fiery individuals on numerous occasions. He was well aware that attempting to control her completely would guarantee a negative, troublesome, possibly volatile response.

He was an excellent judge of character. He knew Mary over-analysed every little thing, felt every perceived slight deeply and, if she deemed the occasion demanded, she had the temper of a cornered alley cat. So he allowed her space whilst skilfully reeling her in.

Before long, her days were her own but her nights truly belonged to him. In this surreal environment Mary could do more than merely survive. She finally had scope to let her thoughts run wild. She had all day to dream and imagine. There was no longer anybody to keep her in check or pour cold water on her more outrageous ideas, a role her siblings had once cherished.

It was strange how her wonderings would drift across a wide array of subjects but invariably come round to Jake. He just oozes confidence, she mused. He’d see you all right for certain. What has a girl to do to nab a fella like that? She wasn’t sure. What she did know, however, was that they would make a winning team.

She began to probe the other girls about Jake. He had risen fast for one so young. Everybody said so. He had talent in abundance. All the essential attributes needed to thrive round here. Mary hung around the store hoping to get herself noticed. Sometimes days on end would pass and there would be no sign of him. Other times, he passed by four or five times in a single day.

This was his first visit today.

“Evenin’!” she said, flicking a curl away from her eyes.

Jake smiled at her. “All right, princess?” he called.

“Yer, lovely!” she answered happily.

“Feelin’ better, are yer?” he smirked.

“What do yer mean?” she asked, frowning.

Jake crossed the room towards her. “I heard you was in the Bells last night.” He was still smirking.

Mary rested her chin on her hand and smiled lazily at him.

“I might ‘ave popped in,” she said, “I don’t really remember.”

He’d been told that she was blind drunk and threatening to take on the whole pub. Thomas’s men had had to drag her kicking and screaming out of the door. He pulled the stool closer to her and sat down. His face was mere inches from hers, but he still looked amused.

“Maybe the story I ‘eard was about some other girl then?” he said.

She nodded. “Yer, probably!” she agreed.

Jake had heard a lot of stories about her in the short time she had been around. Her indifference to danger intrigued him.

“All right, are yer?” he said.

Mary smiled at him. “I’m fine,” she answered. “Are you?”

Jake ignored her question.

“You walkin’ up the corner?” he asked.

Dusk was falling and they both knew that soon she would be heading onto the streets.

“Yer,” she said.

Jake nodded. “Let me go speak to Thomas. Then I’ll escort you to the corner.”

“Don’t be too long,” she replied.

He smiled whilst shaking his head. “Watch it!” he warned playfully.

Mary fluttered her eyelashes at him.

I’ll let people see her with me, he thought. Don’t want her pretty face getting all bruised just yet.

Jake nodded towards Thomas. “I want a quick word,” he said.

Thomas nodded back but didn’t move immediately. He waited until Jake had gone through to the back room before he rose from his seat. He strolled nonchalantly closer to Mary.

“You be careful!” he advised her.

“What?” Mary replied indignantly.

He shook his head and disappeared the way Jake had gone.

A few minutes later Jake reappeared.

“Ready?” He smiled.

“Let’s go,” she replied.

She’s certainly easy to look at, he thought. That always helps!

Mary brushed a speck from her sleeve and sashayed through the door he held open. Playfully, he bowed as she passed with her nose stuck in the air.

Outside, Jake stopped and lit a cigarette.

“Want one?” he asked, offering her a silver case full of professionally rolled smokes.

She took one without bothering to thank him.

Cheeky b***h! he thought. But her attitude intrigued him.

“‘Ow you settlin’ in?” he asked.

She looked up at him. He glanced back.

“Are you just being polite ‘ere, or are you really asking?” she wanted to know.

He smirked, scanning the street as he took a pull on his cigarette. “Well,” he said thoughtfully, turning back to face her, “I was bein’ polite but now I’m really curious!”

He looks more amused than curious, she thought. She shrugged. “It’s interestin’!” she stated.

Jake smoked around his grin. “Interesting?” he repeated.

He shook his head, scanned the crowds and took another drag on his cigarette. “You can earn a lot of money round ‘ere,” he said.

“I want to earn it now!” she shot back at him.

Jake looked at her.

“You can earn a lot so long as you don’t rush,” he continued. “Don’t go round makin’ enemies for no good reason,” he cautioned.

Mary shrugged nonchalantly.

They stood smiling at each other until Jake threw his fag end into the road. “Just be careful,” he advised.

“Always am!” she replied.

“I gotta go,” he said.

Mary waved her fingers as she fluttered her eyelashes theatrically.

He winked back at her. She turned away.

He stepped into the pub, pondering as the door closed behind him.

She’s different, that one, he thought. She could be very useful.

The following day, as soon as she awoke Jake was the very first thought that came to mind. She relived his grin, the way he had flirted with her. The way she had relished being the centre of his attention.

I can’t shake him from my thoughts, she realized.

That’s because you want him! replied her inner demon.

Nothing wrong with that. Anyway, what is wrong? Or right? Who decides? She no longer knew or cared. These days, she was perfectly willing to stretch the boundaries until they suited her.

Mary was no fool. She was only too aware she was getting sucked deeper and deeper into the sort of world, the sort of life, which would absolutely horrify her parents… horrify all who possessed even a modicum of respectability. Yet, on the other hand, she had never felt so at home. She reached for the little bottle of laudanum on the bare wooden dresser, snapped off the glass neck and gulped down the contents.

This is just for the time being, she told herself. She meant the self-medication. With him, I can make it out of here. Get away from this filthy room.

The inner demon was on her in a flash. You don’t care about the room!

I do! she protested.

But her demon would not be silenced so easily.

You’re just using that as an excuse. Using it until you get a chance to use him!

Mary glanced at the little empty bottle and pretended it wasn’t so. She tried to justify it to herself. Most of the girls take laudanum, she thought. It was true. East End prostitutes poured as much gin down their necks as they could get their hands on. To supplement this, they weren’t averse to whatever mind-numbing substances presented themselves.

Nothing was illegal in England, and everything was attainable in London. She wanted to take away the pain but, more than that, she needed to numb the rage. Alcohol, combined with her burning sense of injustice, made her a danger to all and sundry. She needed the calmness of the laudanum to keep her drunken self in check.

She pretended she self-medicated to relieve the boredom, a lie she’d been telling herself for so long, she almost believed it. As the d**g took effect, her inner demon, her self-doubts and recriminations, all floated away. They would return to do battle again, of that she had no doubt. But for now, she was free and beholden to no one.

Mary lifted the latch and half stepped into the hallway.

“Liza?” she called.

She stared down towards the kitchen but there was no reply.

“Liza!” she called again, slightly louder.

She waited, listening, and this time she heard approaching footsteps. Small, feminine paces. She went back into the room and waited.

A girl did put her head around the door but it wasn’t Liza.

“She’s gone out.”

Mary flashed the young w***e a smile. “Thanks, darlin’,” she answered.

“Said to tell you she’d be in the pub later!” the girl added.

Mary nodded, indicating that she had heard.

The young w***e padded away.

Might as well go to the pub, Mary decided.

She descended the stairs carefully. She went through the shop, mumbling to Thomas as she passed him, “Tell Liza I’ll see her in the Bells.”

Thomas nodded. He could see she was under the influence.

Looks like she’s already on the laudanum, he thought, shaking his head in disapproval

Mary opened the door, grinning to herself. The simple act of walking through a door transported her from calm to chaos. She loved busy crowds when she was high as a kite.

Faces that she recognised came into focus, nodded or smiled as she passed.

“All right, Mary?” somebody called before she had covered ten paces.

“Lovely, thanks!” she replied over her shoulder.

Mary walked the length of Dorset Street, smile fixed in place, nodding and greeting acquaintances as she headed purposefully east towards the main road. She darted skilfully through the carts and wagons. When she crossed Commercial Street, she had already travelled further than most of her neighbours would in months.

At the first junction, she turned left and immediately she was in the quieter backstreets. She continued walking east, parallel with, but behind the Whitechapel Road, her eyes defiantly meeting the stare of every man whose path she crossed. One by one, they averted their gaze and shuffled away. But it was a numbers game, only a matter of time. Eventually, she was certain to get lucky.

True to form, she hadn’t got far when a gent held her gaze. He even smiled at her. Mary stopped and smiled back. Her smile was false, meaningless, but so skilfully displayed it was impossible to tell.

“All right, dearie? Where you off to then?” he asked.

None of your fuckin’ business, she thought, but she maintained the smile.

“Lookin’ for you!” she answered.

Looking for Liza, she thought.

”So now you’ve found me, now what?” he asked.