The Phoenix's Maiden

Grievance

Amber’s Point of View

“I am sorry,” I heard Kamandag behind me consoling me for this sadness that I am experiencing right now as we watch Arthur build a tomb stone where the name of the Amaterasu is carved. Her body disappeared for some reason. Maybe her essence evaporated and became part of the aura around us.

“It’s okay,” I said to her, I told them what happened, the whole story, the betrayal, everything. Along the process my wound was reopened again. It still hurts but what else I can do, except to accept her death? I don’t have the ability to resurrect the dead except for myself. I don’t even know how I can revive myself.

But deep inside me there is this regret and wishing that I should be the one stabbed by Mir- Shyvana that damned creature. At least I can be brought back to life and I am ready to endure the extreme pain that the goddess is telling me whenever I die.

Even it makes me crazy, I will endure it, if it means keeping her alive, but that’s all inside my heart now. I don’t have the ability to travel time and bring the past back and change the future. I wish I could even if it means defying the taboo.

I can’t stop my tears while Kamandag beside me is continuously consoling me by giving me a tap in my back while hugging me. I appreciate this act, but I need to let this sadness out of my chest. I know I need to move on, but not this time.

Soon we are leaving this place and we will make our way towards the castle again and inform the king about the attack and the crystal. The goddess’s death, all of it. The enemies are moving and I can’t afford to stay put in here while grieving.

But not today.

After Arthur is done with his work I stood up and hugged her tombstone, I cried and cried until I feel empty inside.

“Thank you,” I told as if she is the one in front of me. “Thank you,” I repeated the phrase because in her very last moments in this world, she chose to be selfless, she thought about the many live that will be affected and my safety when I am about to hurt myself.

I remembered every lesson that she taught me and I realized that she is not entirely dead. Her lessons still live inside my heart. I will carry all of it forever. They will only die if they are completely forgotten and as long as I live, she will not die.

One of the dearest mystics in my heart. I will spread her act of kindness towards others and this will allow her to be remembered until the ends of times, even if I disappear in this world. Her love that she gave me will spread and another promise, as long as I live, I will continue to hunt down every force of Cain. He will pay, he left a debt unpaid, that his death is not enough to satisfy me.

I will haunt him until my very last breath.

They let me be, they let me grieve on her and I appreciated that so much.

.               .               .               .               .               .               .               .               .               .

I opened my eyes and found myself fallen asleep on the ground. I patch myself back up and clear my clothes because of the dust that sticked on my clothes. I feel my heart still empty and exhausted for what I did earlier but I felt my eyes dried up and can’t produce any tears anymore.

I stood up and I timidly walked backed towards the cave to clean myself and fill my stomach because I am feeling hungry right now, and after all that I will lie down on a more comfortable place.

I got myself in the kitchen and started cooking, looking at this place made me remind of the goddess cooking something for us. Everything inside this place reminds me of her and almost immediately my dried eyes produced tears again, but this time I cried silently.

I really can’t stop crying and while I cook my meal. Every stir on my soup reminded me of her. I really can’t stop thinking about her, while seeing all these things that reminds me of her. The candles that she is lighting up with just one click of her fingers. Everything here made me miss her existence right by my side and now she is forever gone. Just thinking that is making me cry hard.

I can’t do this.

“Hey,” I heard Kamandagm mumbled behind me. “Let me do that for you,” she volunteered to continue the cooking for me. I accepted her offer and I make my way through the table and take a seat. I cried silently while waiting for my food to be prepared.

After a while I heard that Kamandag puts the bowl of soup in front of me. I lifted my head and wiped my tears, she handed me over a spoon and I grab it. I started to scoop the soup and sip it. I embraced the warmth that it gave me from inside. As the soup travels through my throat until it reaches, my stomach. It made me feel better, at the very least.

I noticed that Kamandag is watching me finish soup and I ignored it and continue to keep on sipping my soup. For a moment there my mind drifted to nothingness, except for the taste and the warmth of the soup and I took my time to enjoy it.

“You feeling better?” after moments of watching me, she finally spoke and asked me the question.

“I guess so,” I answered unsure.

“You need more time,” she said and I know but I can’t because the enemy are still on the move and they cannot afford to stop. I will not let her death in vain, and will not just waste it over grievance.

“It’s okay,” I said to her. “Just a little bit, and we will go back to the castle,” I told her and she was surprised.

“Are you sure?” she asked me and I nodded at her. “But you need to rest your mind,” she suggested, sorry Kamandag but I don’t have any plans to rest longer, and wait for the enemy to make their next move.

“I am sure,” I said with dedication in my voice. “I will not wait any longer, we will move immediately and as sad as I can be right now, I need to move on,” I added.

“Okay, okay,” she said instantly regretting that she tried to talk to me in this situation of mine. I continue to consume the soup in front of me and a couple of handfuls, I am already full. I look towards her again, and she stared back at me.

“A glass of water please,” I requested and not bothered by the conversation earlier, she stood up immediately fulfilling my request. Moments later she hands me a glass of water and I carefully drink it, and this time I feel refreshed from the comfort of warmth because of the soup. “Thank you,” I thank her support.

“No problem,” she said. “I am always here for you,” she said with her soothing vice. I smiled towards her.

“I know,” I replied to her. “That’s why I am still alive,” I added.

I stood up because it is time for me to take a bath. I tapped her shoulder to show her my gratitude for her company and I went straight to my room. When I reached the room, I started to prepare clothes that I will wear during the journey. The same brown pants and red polo shirt made for women, and obviously the undies.

I went straight to the shower room and I soaked my self in the tub embracing the cold water. This is some sort of therapy for me as I can imagine myself inside a calm environment. I opened my and I find myself in the middle of a clear water environment.

Strange enough, I can walk over it, and I carefully stood up and take my first step. Every step I take the water reacts and some small waves are produced. Watching this is oddly satisfying for me and I continue to explore the area.

“Amber,” I heard the goddess’s voice again echoing in the place. I looked around and saw nothing. “Amber,” I heard another call for me again and I looked around again, but this time, more carefully, but sadly I still saw nothing.

“Where are you?!” I asked. My voice echoed in the area despite of it being an open area. Similar to the voice that I am hearing, so I cannot pinpoint her exact location.

“Please help me,” this time I heard her cry for help. “Find me,” she added and as much as I am confused right now. I cannot understand her call for help.

I ran around the place but all I see is clear clouds, and clear water. Once again, I asked...

“WHERE ARE YOU!?” I asked again but sadly I still can’t receive any proper answers from her so I ran around again in the area aimlessly. I started to feel devastated again, as I remember slowly that she is dead.

I opened my eyes and saw myself in the tub again.

I can’t help it but wonder.

Why is she calling for my help? I really can’t understand after some time I stood up and dried my body. I grabbed my new clothes and put it on, in order as it always should and I sit on my bed waiting for my hair to dry.

I am still wondering why she is calling for my help.

I shook my thoughts, and thought that this is all not real. These are just my hallucinations, all of it are not real. She is dead. It’s just my brain acting weird.

All I need is to move on and accept her death.

“Help me,” I heard the voice again.

-The Phoenix’s Maiden-