That Autumn

Can We Go Back as Before?

In the end, I went with Shin Ah to her house. I have no other choice. She insisted. And.. Didn't she say she would call off her engagement to that short man? She still even has our rings. It's not wrong if I still hope. Moreover, she was the first to say she wanted to repair her mistakes in the past.

"Come in! Don't be shy." Shin Ah said as she let us in. I know the sentence she just said was aimed at Shin Woo because I didn't feel shy. I used to come here.

Shin Ah still lives in her old house. Not much has changed. Like Shin Ah, who looks exactly the same as ten years ago.

Shin Woo and I didn't bring anything other than the handbag I was carrying. I put my things in the station locker because it would be troublesome to bring that many things to the reunion, especially since I didn't have a place to live at that time. I also don't want to bother Shin Ah by asking her to pick up my things first. She looked exhausted. Tomorrow, I'll pick it up myself.

"Shin Woo can sleep in your old room while you're in mine." Shin Ah took us straight up to the second floor of her house. "Oppa is undergoing military service. So I can temporarily occupy her room."

Ahh. Jae Hoon Oppa isn't there. That means I won't meet him. It's been a long time since I last saw him.

The first time, Shin Ah took Shin Woo to the room the child would be occupying. Poor Shin Woo has to squint his eyes at the glare as soon as Shin Ah opens the door and turns on the light.

"Ah! My eyes!" Shin Woo turned to see the color so bright and hid his face with his palms. I could hear his low cursing. "Why must it be pink?"

"You didn't change the wallpaper?" I looked around. This place is exactly the same as the last time I left. Shin Ah didn't change anything. Not only wallpaper. Everything here hasn't changed.

"I don't have time to replace it." Shin Ah rubbed her nape while smiling shyly. She still looks adorable.

"Can I get another room?" Shin Woo looked at Shin Ah pleadingly.

"No!" I vehemently refused. Not that I don't like this room. I still like it. It's just that I prefer Shin Ah's room. The place where Shin Ah lived for the past ten years. A place where there is only Shin Ah's scent. Do not blame me. Shin Ah made me like this. She offered me her room. "It's impolite. Take what is given to you!"

"Okay!" With a sullen face, Shin Woo finally accepted. Isn't he a good boy? Even though he didn't like it, he still obeyed.

"I'll find clothes to change for Shin Woo. I think oppa has some children's clothes. He often buys them to donate to the foundation. And for you .." Shin Ah looked at the clothes I was wearing. This is a nice outfit. Really! It's just.. It's a little uncomfortable to sleep. Maybe that's what Shin Ah is thinking right now. "You don't mind wearing my clothes, do you?"

I nodded quickly. Of course, I don't mind. I haven't worn her clothes in a long time. Being in Shin Ah's clothes feels like Shin Ah is hugging my whole body.

OMG! What I think? Be aware Anna-ya!

"I don't think I need to show you your room because you know where it is," Shin Ah continued. "You can choose the clothes you like in the closet."

"Oh!" I'm a little disappointed that Shin Ah didn't take me. Also.. Maybe I was jealous. He got Shin Woo's clothes while I was told to take them myself. Shin Ah is picky!

"Don't hesitate if you need anything. I'm downstairs." After saying that, Shin Ah came out.

Shin Woo walked over to the bed then climbed onto it. "This bed is comfortable. Better than a sauna floor."

"You're talking too much today, Shin Woo-ah!" I started to scold him for his impolite attitude earlier. "You keep talking even though you have been warned!"

"I'm sorry. But.. I really curious. Is she really my dad? How could it be?" Shin Woo started asking for an explanation for what I hadn't had time to explain to him in ten years. I always avoided him whenever he asked about his father or anything that led to it. It was a little difficult to make him understand. And even if he does understand, I'm afraid he'll end up hating someone.

Looks like today I'm going to dodge too. I'll tell him later. Later, when he was older,

"Ah.. I want to pee. Goodnight Shin Woo-ah! Have a nice dream." I immediately got out of that place. Running away from Shin Woo. I know I can't avoid Shin Woo's curiosity forever. But for now, isn't it too soon?

I entered Shin Ah's room, which has now become my room. Should I thicken my face and just stay here? It was Shin Ah who offered first. But.. Is it too shameless?

Shin Ah's room is the same as mine. Didn't change much. It seems Shin Ah is really busy and she doesn't have time to rearrange her things. What had she been doing all this time to be so busy? She really didn't have ten years of free time?

I went to the bathroom to clean my body. Since arriving in Seoul, I haven't showered properly. In the sauna, I couldn't do it comfortably because there were so many people there. In particular, I can't leave Shin Woo for long. That child is not allowed to enter the women's bathroom.

After that, I got out of the bathroom. Because I'm used to and feel familiar with the place, I only use a towel that can only cover part of my body. I didn't think that when I opened the door, I would find Shin Ah standing in the middle of the room.

"I.. I.. I just took a few things." Seeing me only wearing a towel, Shin Ah looked away and turned nervous. "I knocked earlier, but no answer from you."

"Did you get it?" I fixed my towel to make sure it wouldn't fall off.

"Oh!" She showed some clothes she was carrying while smiling awkwardly.

Unlucky! This situation is really awkward. She's standing there while I'm there, almost naked. It wasn't her fault that she had only come to pick up her clothes. It's also not my fault that she has lent me this room.

"Then I'll go first." Sh nodded slightly before leaving. "Good night, Ji Woo-ah."

Ji Woo-ah. It's been a long time since I last heard someone call me that. Because all this time, Shin Ah was the only one. And it made me feel as if the ten years that had passed meant nothing at all. Makes me feel young again. Makes me feel that Shin Ah is still mine.

"Shin Ah-ya!" I ran after her, who was already right in front of the door. I hugged her from behind, wrapped my arms around her stomach, buried my face in the nape of his neck. "I miss you!"

"Me too." She held my hand. "I missed you so much, Ji Woo-ah."

Again she said my name. Ji Woo-ah. Makes me want to cry. Not out of sadness, but out of joy. What have I been doing all this time? Why did I have to leave her in the first place? Should I feel sorry? Now I don't know anymore. I did lose her, but I have Shin Woo. Then, should I be grateful?

Shin Ah took my hand off from her. She turned to look at me, then touched my face. "Hey, you're crying."

"No, I’m not crying." I shook my head. I tried my best to hold back the tears that were about to fall. Why should I cry at a time like this?

"What I have done to you is unforgivable. I made such a big mistake." She looked at me deeply. Much deeper than when we were together. She always managed to get me caught up with her gaze. And now, the only thing I could think of was to throw myself at her. "At that time.. You haven't given an answer. What should I do to make up for my mistakes? Even though you don't need me, I sincerely want to do something for you and Shin Woo."

Yes, I admit she did make a mistake. Not just distrust me. Her selfishness was an even bigger mistake. Even though what happened after that was a different matter, how could she have such thoughts?

Maybe she regretted it now. Maybe she wanted to make amends. But.. If she finds out what really happened, she will blame me. Because I was afraid to face her rejection, I was afraid to look at her and found that there was no longer any trust there. She would blame me because I was the one who left her. If I had been patient and waited a little longer, if I had not been consumed by my own fear and run away from her, had I also believed in her, she would not have lost me.

So, who loses more? Me or Shin Ah? Shin Ah is not selfish in herself. I also have my own selfishness. We were very young then. We each have our own egos.

And now, selfishness is back again. The selfishness that made me not want to lose her a second time.

"If you want to atone for your wrongdoing, even a lifetime won't be enough for your punishment." I said.

"I know. I realize I've been so cruel to you. If I had to be sentenced to life, I would."

"Then can you just love me? For the rest of your life?" Maybe this sounds shameless. I do not care. Isn't ten years too long for me to live without?

She was silent. Thinking about my words. I don't think she can fulfill my request. Or did she feel the punishment was too severe for him? Okay. Perhaps, for her, the ten years without me was such a happy time that this sentence became too much for her to endure. Or.. Could she already love someone else?

"How can that be my punishment?" She still hasn't taken her eyes off me. "For a second I never stop thinking about you."

"Ck, don't lie!"

"I am not lying." She looked down to see my body, which was only wrapped in a towel. "Even now I have to hold myself so hard not to kiss you madly, then hold you tight and never let you go."

My face turned red when I heard her candid confession. "Then why don't you do it?"

"Wouldn't that be presumptuous and ignorant? I don't want to get you pregnant again anyway." She was silent for a moment, then hastily added, "Don't get me wrong! It's not that I'm running away from responsibility again. I just don't want to burden you. This time I want to do it right. I haven't even done anything to make amends before."

"Dummy!" I put one hand on her waist while the other around her neck, then pulled her body closer to me. "Why are you thinking about unimportant things when I'm standing right in front of you half-naked? Unless you're just looking for an excuse to avoid me."

"You provoked me." Shin Ah pulled my head closer to her. I closed my eyes. I could feel the tip of her nose touching mine when...

"HATCHIIIIII!"

Unlucky! Why should I sneeze at a time like this? Ten years! After ten years.. Should I sneeze when I was the one who teased her first?

"That's why you should put your clothes on as soon as you're done showering." Shin Ah laughed. She turned to turn the doorknob and left it slightly. "Looks like you caught a cold. I'll make a warm drink for you. I'll be waiting for you downstairs."

She came out after saying that. I ruined everything after ten years.

TEN YEARS!

And I screwed up such an important moment.

Okay, at least I know one thing. Shin Ah's feelings for me haven't changed. She herself said that she never stopped thinking about me, even for a second. It sounds redundant. But I'm not too stupid to swallow the whole sentence. I am still in her heart. That's the most important thing.

I even live in her house now. And I'm sure Shin Ah won't mind if I stay here a little longer. Then, can our relationship go back to how it used to be? I think going back to Seoul was the best decision I've ever made.

Immediately, I put on clothes. Shin Ah is waiting for me downstairs. I can't let her wait any longer. So I grabbed whatever I saw at first and put it on even though it wasn't pink. Shin Ah's doctor's robe. Not that I'm wearing this thing on purpose because it has a low collar, it's thin, and it's a bit short to show off my legs.

Alright, I purposely wore it for Shin Ah to see.

When I arrived on the first floor, I found Shin Ah sleeping with her head resting on the dining table. Did I take too long for her to fall asleep while waiting for me? It does not seem like that. I didn't even get to choose the clothes I liked.

Shin Ah woke up when she heard me approaching. She lifted her head so that her red eyes were visible, and her face looked very tired. She even took the time to come to the reunion in a state of exhaustion like this.

"Sorry I overslept. I'll warm the drink for you." She picked up the cup that was on the table and put it back down. "Ah, it's still warm."

"What's wrong with you?" I laughed at her awkward behavior and sat down in one of the chairs opposite her.

"Ah.. That.." She scratched her head. "I thought I slept long enough to get your drink cold. But it's still warm."

"That is not what I mean." I pointed at her face. "Look at that face of yours! Like a zombie! Are you that tired? How long have you not slept?"

"What's with my face?" She held her face. Trying to check if there's anything wrong there.

"You look ugly." My joke. "Your skin is so dull and the dark circles under your eyes are almost falling down your cheeks. You should rest properly. Aren't you a doctor? Doctors should be able to treat themselves first before treating others."

"Aigoo.. Your nagging!" She pushed the cup in front of her close to me. "Here! Drink it while it's warm. It's camomile tea. I added some mint to it."

"Hm.. It smells good." I took the cup and drank it. Consume it in one gulp.

"Is Shin Woo asleep yet?" She asked then.

"Maybe. Usually she's asleep at this hour."

"So." Shin Ah nodded. "Tomorrow, we are going to register with Shin Woo for school. There is an elementary school not far from here. And regarding your work.. Can you stop? Sorry if I offended you. But, I will take care of all your and Shin Woo's needs. ."

"My job?" How can I stop if I try so hard to start. Wait! Shin Ah doesn't know my job. I haven't had time to tell her yet.

"Your job at the diner. You don't have to go there anymore."

This is beyond my expectations. "You misunderstood. I don't work there."

"So?" Shin Ah put on a confused face that actually looked adorable. "You own it?"

"It is not like that." I laughed because this was funny to me. "At that time, Shin Woo and I had just come from New York. Someone should have picked me up and also prepared all my needs here, so apart from clothes and some other important things I didn't bring anything. I didn't even have time to change dollars into Korean wons. Then, when we arrived in Seoul, the person who was supposed to pick us up didn't come. Until now, he couldn't be reached. I don't know what happened. Usually he can be trusted."

"New York? You said you were in Sangju," said Shin Ah.

"I lived in Sangju for a few years, then moved to New York to continue my studies," I explained.

"Then why do you work in that shop?" Shin Ah asked then.

"Shin Woo destroys the squid aquarium there while playing ball," I continue my story. "The owner asked me to pay compensation, but I only had a few won in my wallet and she didn't want to accept dollars. She also didn't let me go out for a while to exchange my money. She thought I would cheat on her. So, I paid for the loss by working there for one night. "

"Aah.. So that's what Shin Woo meant by you having to go through it because of him."

"He said that?"

"Eoh .." Shin Ah nodded then laughed. "So he destroyed the aquarium? He's pretty naughty then."

"Why? You don't like him because he's naughty?"

Shin Ah shook her head. "Whether he is naughty or not, how could I not like my son?"

"I've finished my drink." I stood up from my seat. Actually, I wanted to spend more time with her, especially when it felt like something needed to be continued. But.. Shin Ah looks exhausted. She needs rest. I can't hold her in. "I'm going to sleep."

"Oh, okay!"

"Make sure you rest properly." I said again.

She nodded.

After that, I went back to my room. Tomorrow, I have something to tell her. Something very important.

***

I went out of the room when I smelled something. The smell of food. Someone is cooking something in the kitchen. I rushed to the kitchen thinking it was Shin Ah. But no, it's a smaller version. Shin Woo.

"You woke up early, my handsome boy." I approached him to see what he was cooking. "What are you cooking?"

"Breakfast," Shin Woo answered without taking his eyes off his cooking. "I make some for you and Shin Ah Noona too. Sit there, I'll serve for you."

I went to the storage cupboard to get three glasses there and then poured milk into them. After that, I set it on the dining table. I also helped Shin Woo to put the breakfast he made on the plate. Indeed, Shin Woo asked me to wait, but the boy wouldn't be able to reach the cutlery holder because it was too high.

"You act like it was your own house." Shin Woo put the filled plates onto the dining table. "I need time to find things, but you don't."

That is true. I just realized it. That's because Shin Ah doesn't change where she keeps things. Everything is in the same place as ten years ago.

"You too." I punched Shin Woo's cheek, exasperated. He said that while he was the first to act as if he was at home, "You are too comfortable to find food by yourself."

"I'm sorry, Mom!" Shin Woo looked down. Mistakenly, I thought that I was pinching his cheeks in anger. "I'm hungry, but you and Noona are still sleeping. Are you angry?"

"No, I'm not!" I sat on one of the chairs. "You can do everything you want here because it was your dad's home."

"That's right! Don't be shy. Make yourself at home." I was a little surprised when Shin Ah suddenly stood behind me.

"Noona! Good morning!" Greet Shin Woo, cheerful but full of falsehood. I think he's still afraid of getting angry. Especially when the owner of the house came and caught him. "I make breakfast for you."

"I don't mind you doing whatever you want here. But on one condition." Shin Ah approached Shin Woo and then lowered her head slightly to be level with the boy. "You have to get used to using Korean. If you don't start now, you might have a hard time in school later."

"Okay, I understand."

"What did I just say?"

"Ne, arraseoyo Noonim." Shin Woo nodded. His accent sounded a little odd.

"And one more thing." Shin Ah squats in front of Shin Woo so she has to look up to see the child. "Can you not call me Noona?"

"Then?"

"Eomma." Shin Ah smiled at him. "From now on you can call me Eomma, Shin Woo-ah."

"I do not want to!" Shin Woo crossed his arms with a sullen face. "Why should I call you Eomma? I just have one mother, and she was my Mom."

Patiently, Shin Ah tries to persuade Shin Woo. "Now, you have two moms. So you can call me Eomma."

"Shin Ah-ya!" I interrupted their conversation. I have to tell Shin Ah first before explaining it to Shin Woo. "There's something I want to tell you."

"I understand." Shin Ah stood up while rubbing Shin Woo's head, then took a seat with me in the dining room. "He needs time. I can't force him."

Not that. "No. That's not what..."

"Eoh! What is this?" Shin Ah didn't hear me. She was more interested in the plate in front of him. "American breakfast?"

"I made it." Shin Woo half ran to sit somewhere else. "Noona, let's try!"

"You made it?" Shin Ah tried the breakfast that was served for him. "Woah.. It feels like de ja vu. Just like what Mom made."

My stomach feels ticklish to hear Shin Ah call me Mom. "Shin Woo isn't that good."

"Thank you, Noona." Shin Woo eats his food while blushing.

"Ehem.." She cleared her throat while holding back a laugh. "I'm not praising."

"YA!" I kicked her leg under the table. "Don't eat it if it tastes bad!"

"I didn't say it tasted bad." Shin Ah quibbled. "Uri-Shin Woo made it for me. Of course I'll eat it."

"It's not really that good." Shin Woo comments on his own food. "But it's still edible, right?"

"Correct!" Shin Ah devoured her food until her mouth was full, then gave Shin Woo a thumbs up. "And I know what it means. People usually make something quick for breakfast, not something delicious."

She remembers it. Even small things like that.

"He looks a lot like you, Ji Woo-ah!" Shin Ah talks in between her meals.

"Are you making fun of me?" I glared at her but she just laughed.

"But a lot of people say I don't look like mom at all." Shin Woo's confession even provoked Shin Ah's laughter until it got even louder.

"You're having fun, huh?" Now I'm glaring at both of them.

Shin Ah continued to eat without saying anything else. But I could see she was secretly holding back her laughter. What's so funny? Or is she just having fun?

I started eating my food. Back in New York, Shin Woo used to cook this for me when I woke up late. I teach him. Of course, it tastes similar.

But.. Why now it feels like I forgot something? Something very important.

"Oh, yes! Today we will register for school. After breakfast, get ready immediately. OK?" She spoke to Shin Woo, to whom the boy nodded. She then looked at me. "You have to be ready too. You're coming with us."

"Of course I'm coming." I muttered.

"Then I'll go first." Shin Ah hastily finished her meal. "After you guys are done, just leave it. I'll take care of it."

"It's no big deal." I flipped through the sausages on my plate because they looked like some of them were burnt while some of them weren't cooked. "I can do it."

"Don't argue! And..." Shin Ah stood up from her seat and then approached me. I barely realized it when she came and gave me a quick peck on my lips. "Don't play with your food!"

After doing that, she returned to the room, leaving me frozen on the spot. She was very calm. So calm, as if she used to do that to me.

"No, I'm not!" Shin Woo talks while pretending to focus on his food. His face was barely touching the plate.

"What?" I still haven't realized my shock.

"I'm not seeing that." he said again. "So, I didn't know she was kissing you."

"YA! Shin Woo-ah!" Now I'm aware. And how could Shin Ah... in front of Shin Woo...

"I'm done!" Shin Woo pushes his plate after he finishes his meal. After that, he ran up the stairs. As soon as he got upstairs, he shouted to make fun of me. "Noona! Mom's face is turning red!"

"YA! WANG SHIN WOO!"